Why Love Isn’t Enough To Save a Relationship

No matter how bad things get. No matter what happens along the road. If your love is pure, you will be together, period!

Let me ask you something. Do these lines give a fuzzy feeling in your stomach?

If you say yes, I don’t blame you.

This sentiment has been fed to us all our lives. On the surface, it seems innocent. However, if you dig deeper, you will find the root cause of all your relationship problems.

Love is all you need.

This message had been hammered into our heads by all those poetries, songs, novels, movies, and ad campaigns. The notion had been so contagious most people don’t stop to ask themselves, “Is love enough to make a relationship work?”

And why don’t they ask this question? It is because, to most people, love = relationship. Nevertheless, it cannot be further from the truth.

• Love is an intense sense of affection that we feel in our hearts for the other person. It is more of a personal feeling.
• A relationship, on the other hand, is an agreement and structure. It is more about cooperation, compatibility, and coexistence.

While love is the cornerstone of any romantic relationship, it is not the entirety of it. Nor is it enough.

You can be in love and still want different things from life, have communication issues, and be on different emotional maturity levels. All of these are real-life dilemmas. And guess what! The magic of love doesn’t heal them.

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When You Are Incompatible — Is Love Enough?

When we first get to know someone, the rush of pure euphoria hits hard. Both parties bring in the best of themselves. Later, as time passes, the sheer attraction starts fading. Then there is only one thing separating a healthy relationship from the unhealthy one.

When it comes to relationships, compatibility comes right next to love in terms of importance. Lack of it can lead to potential breakups. When it does, even the purity of the love falls short. Following are the three most common compatibility issues to look out for:

1. You might want different things in life.

Life isn’t a one-size-fit-for-all item. We all have different views, requirements, and plans for ourselves.

For example, you might desire a relationship where you get to spend more time with your spouse. On the contrary, the other person might want to prioritize his/her career for now. Or you might wish to have babies while the other person isn’t sure about it. How do you get by such situations?

Now, using if-you-would-love-me-you-would-do-it-for-me goes two ways:

1. Forcing the other person to sacrifice according to their own views.
2. Getting forced to change themselves for the sake of the other person.

You won’t find any of these options suitable for a healthy relationship. Yes, if you or the other person want to compromise, it is all well and good. But you cannot use love as bait to push someone into something they don’t want. It would be a one-way ticket to a dysfunctional relationship.

There is no singular correct answer to these issues. Different people handle these things differently. And it often includes breaking up the person you genuinely love.

2. You grew to achieve different maturity levels over time.

I don’t see many people talk about this aspect. When two people fall in love early in life, things can go way one of these two ways:

1. They grow into each other, making for a solid romantic relationship.
2. They grow to be different human beings with time, ending up in separate stages of emotional maturity.

In High School, I fell in love with a girl. The relationship lasted for six years before we finally split. For the first couple of years, our vibes matched well. We used to go out, fool around, occasionally fight, and patch up fast. We were so sure of a future together. However, with time, things started changing. With each mistake I made, I learned a lesson and tried never to repeat them. My girlfriend, on the other hand, refused to grow up.

Even in our early twenties, she would pretend like we were teenagers. The more we were growing, so was the drama. Instead of focusing on her studies and career, she kept demanding more from our relationship. Eventually, it started taking a toll on me when I was juggling between my college and part-time shifts. She, herself, could see how it was affecting both our lives. Yet, she could not help it.

It went on for the next five years. Even after our graduation, my girlfriend kept throwing teenage tantrums. By the time she had spent seven years obsessing over the relationship. As a result, her grades dropped, she lost touch with reality. She didn’t even have any idea what to do with her life beyond that relationship. Worse of all, she blamed me for not doing the same.

Inevitably, the relation collapsed despite us loving each other from the bottom of our hearts.

3. You are not communicating well.

Communication is one of, if not the most crucial factors of compatibility. It can make or break a relationship in matters of hours. If you are good at it, you can resolve most conflicts with utmost ease. If you suck at it, even the tiniest thing can escalate into a heated argument.

There are two fundamental components of healthy communication:

• Saying clear: We, as human beings, like to talk. So, in theory, saying shouldn’t be a problem. However, we prefer to communicate fast and loud instead of speaking clearly. As a result, we often say things we either aren’t sure about or don’t mean. Taking some time to process our thoughts before actually communicating to the other person can help a relationship.
• Listening patiently: We don’t listen to understand. We listen to respond. And when we can’t bring ourselves to care about what the other person is saying, it creates a hole big enough to drain even an ocean of love. Again, a simple mindset change can help the case.

Sadly, instead of working on their communication gap, many people opt out to give up as they believe their love wasn’t “pure” enough.

. . .

When You Are Unhappy in a Relationship — Is Love Enough?

Do you know what’s wrong with the initial ecstasy of love? When it dies down, and it sure does, you never know where you will land yourself.

If you are lucky, you will find yourself in a deeply satisfying relationship. And if you are ill-fated, you will end up in a place where you are not happy despite loving the other person.

Following are the three most basic scenarios where love would not be enough to make you happy:

1. You lack emotional intimacy.

In his article, John Amodeo, Ph.D., MFT, the author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships, states:

He further explains, when we feel emotionally safe with someone, we let our guards down and let them in. On the contrary, when we don’t get the much-needed assurance, we turn defensive. As a result, we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the other person.

The lack of safety can come from:

• Our own unhealed wounds from past relationships, either with our partners or our family.
• Or it could be some actions of our current significant other.

Regardless of its origin — it prevents you from feeling free as yourself.

2. You are going through abuse.

If you are an abuser or victim of ongoing physical, verbal, or emotional assault, love will certainly not do its trick. There is really not much to discuss here.

In case you are not sure if you are on either side of an abusive relationship, it can be emotional abuse. Of course, if it would have been physical and verbal, you would know it.

3. There is no trust.

To many, this one might seem confusing. Can you love someone you don’t trust? In most cases, no. But what about the situations where a loved one breaks your trust? Does the act of infidelity or betrayal dissolve the love for good? Not really. But it does torpedo the bond of belief. That’s how we get relationships with no trust but glimmers of love in them.

Do you know what’s worse? When the other person keeps finding newer ways to break your trust. Even one act of adultery is enough to kill a relationship. Yet, some couples do their best to leave it behind, learning from the mistake. But when things like these don’t stop, it shows a lack of intent and character. In such cases, the hope of a healthy relationship is next to nothing.

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One-Sided Sacrifice (in the Name of Love) Is Not a Long Term Solution

While discussing how we want different things from life, I suggested spontaneous compromise as a means of resolution. Now, me speaking against sacrifice could sound counterintuitive to some. In that case, I would like to clarify.

Compromise and sacrifice are two separate things.

According to Colorado-based counseling center Maria Droste:

• Compromises require the work of both partners on their relationship. It is more about willingness to reach mutual satisfaction.
• Sacrifice means disproportional giving on one partner’s part. It is about making it work at the expense of one partner.

While discussing the toxicity of one-sided sacrifices, Chiara Mazzucco, the author of The 9 Mirages of Love: How to Stop Chasing What Doesn’t Exist, records something notable. People often drain themselves to the extent of emotional exhaustion. Why do they do it? They do it chasing the romanticized image of sacrificial love.

At the core of it, it is always about fear. We are often afraid of losing someone whom we love. And as we think love to be the only contributing factor in our relationship, losing it feels worse than death.

So, we provide whatever it takes to make it work. And often, we do it without even realizing it. Here are four signs you are the only one making sacrifices in your relationship:

1. You’re more in tune with the other person’s requirements than yours.
2. You are always on the giving side.
3. You are afraid of how the other person would react if you refuse to sacrifice for once.
4. You are too busy caring for the relationship; you always run out of time to think for yourself.

If your relationship shows these signs, you must understand one simple fact. It is not practical for an individual to be the only giver in a connection. Eventually, the giver will burn out, and the taker will never be satisfied.

. . .

Do you know what’s the worst about this love-is-enough notion? It doesn’t allow you any room to work on the lacking areas of your relationship. According to this, if you address compatibility issues or any toxic pattern in your relationship, your love isn’t pure.

In reality, acknowledging these concerns and looking beyond love can save you a lot of pain. Most importantly, it can also help you protect relationships that are worth saving.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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