Similar to love at first sight, compatibility may not be what you think it is.
Compatibility is like your rational best friend. The one that’s the brain of the group. The person who is the responsible designated driver after a night out. But it gets confused for other things in the love realm.
Despite its reputation, compatibility can be your secret weapon. The magical thing about compatibility is that it helps you navigate the challenges in a relationship.
I like to consider my significant other and me as compatible. This is because we’re in a long-term relationship and share common goals and values.
Have we changed throughout the years? Absolutely.
But the key is we’ve changed together.
Here’s what we get wrong about relationship compatibility when we’re all caught up in love or breaking up.
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We confuse compatibility with chemistry.
Mark Manson, the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, also dives into relationships in his other work. He breaks down the commonly interchanged words compatibility and chemistry.
According to Manson, compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two individuals while. On the other hand, chemistry represents the emotional connection present between two people.
What are some common values to look for in a compatible couple?
- Future: What’s your dream together? Is it to settle down in the suburbs and have kids? Or is it to ditch the typical American dream and live the solopreneur life on your terms?
- Preferences: While it’s good to enjoy your solo activities, what are common interests both of you like? And let’s not forget cohabitating. When people move in together for the first time, a clean freak and messy habits can collide to create more friction than you’ll ever know.
- Financial: Determine who is the spender and saver. And how big is the gap between you two? It’s essential to remain on the same page on your money philosophy. Having one person wanting to aggressively pay off debt while the other person swipes their credit card every day can get dicey.
Chemistry focus on emotions and feelings rather than lifestyle preferences.
- Physical: From intimacy to the way you cuddle as a couple.
- Laugher: The way your partner appreciates your humor.
- Words: The way your heart flutters when your significant other compliments you.
A compatible match isn’t exactly like you.
People tend to confuse compatibility with perfection.
Consequently, your ideal version of a partner is someone who exactly fits into their lives without compromise. When you think about it, sharing that mindset is eerily similar to wanting to date yourself.
Do you want someone who won’t complain when you take a lot of pictures for social media? Or a person who likes the same hobbies or eating the same food, so you don’t have to compromise? Or maybe someone who shares a common career mindset so that they won’t play interference when you make a career move?
Wanting someone that likes everything you do is the ultimate “humble brag.” That’s more like you want someone that doesn’t make you change your life, interests, or taste.
It’s often a fail-safe for people who aren’t ready for a relationship or don’t want to settle.
Compromising takes effort and may seem unfair, but the result is a lasting relationship worth fighting for.
When you enter a relationship, ask yourself if you’re looking for someone to fill a gap in your life.
Do you want a partner because you think it’ll make you happier? Or are you seriously ready to commit to your forever partner?
Ultimately, the perfect significant other doesn’t exist. But a close second is someone different from you.
Compatibility isn’t all or nothing.
In Psychology Today, Elliot D. Cohen Ph.D. believes that “compatibility is not all-or-nothing; rather, it admits of degrees on a continuum from incompatible to highly compatible.”
You can be more or less compatible with your partner. Think of it as a sliding scale and not a zero-sum game.
People are quick to judge on first dates. Oh, you hate hiking? We can’t date. You don’t drink?
Dating is going to be no fun.
It’s quick to brush people off without getting the chance to know them. However, just because you seem incompatible in one interest or area doesn’t mean the same applies to the rest of your dating potential with someone.
Sometimes we’re harsher on dating than a hiring manager looking for their purple unicorn while paying a below-market salary. But, you don’t need to move forward with someone that doesn’t meet your entire checklist in both cases.
Beyond interests, how do you complement each other?
Intellectual compatibility is often overlooked as the red-headed stepchild when physical attraction is the focus.
Both people don’t have to have a Ph.D., but a couple needs to engage in meaningful conversations.
My friend eventually stopped dating her boyfriend because they weren’t intellectually compatible.
He had a lot of half-baked ideas outside of his expertise at work. Discussing politics, culture, food, or anything out of his realm, expertise fell flat. They spoke like a genius in one area, but their life skills resembled a teenager depending on their parents.
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Final Thoughts
- We confuse compatibility with chemistry. Think about lifestyle preferences rather than those fiery emotions. Practical versus feelings. Having both is the Venn diagram sweet spot, and missing one can cause problems.
- A compatible match isn’t someone precisely like you. Don’t confuse settling with your pickiness. Dating someone like you is boring anyways.
- Compatibility isn’t all or nothing. You can be compatible in certain areas and incompatible in others. It’s healthy for you and your partner to share a strong foundation but hold your interests.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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