What Romance Never Taught Me (And Failed Relationships Did)

The media presents the idea that romance and relationships should be this colorful, grandeur event from beginning to end. There are no real issues, partners are always imperfectly compatible, and someone is always willing to change for the one.

Real, healthy relationships, on the other hand, are pragmatic and their success is based on the ability to communicate, compromise, and maintain boundaries. But, I never really knew this.

Healthy relationships were not something I was familiar with. After a traumatic divorce between my parents at five, my mother entered a relationship with a highly abusive, narcissist who became my stepfather. Knowing something was wrong with their relationship, I relied on movies and books for a “normal” representation of romantic relationships. Of course, those weren’t normal either.

The presentations of romance in movies, combined with my mother’s abusive and volatile marriage with my stepfather, infused an extremely bipolar perception of what romance and relationships should be. This unrealistic, unhealthy view was responsible for the demise of each relationship, as I searched for greener pastures. It took five (more or less) failed relationships to persuade me to enter therapy. And it took several therapy sessions to realize how distorted my perceptions were.

Failed relationships taught me everything that the genre of romance never could.

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Romance Never Taught Effective Communication

Our partners are not mind readers. Neither are they award-winning, problem-solving detectives. They cannot sit there and examine any minuscule thing they did or said to offend us. They are independent people with problems and worries of their own. Therefore, it is the job of both partners to learn Effective Communication Skills.

It is based on the willingness and the ability to approach and perceive issues in a non-judgmental way — Birgit Ohlin, MA

We need to be able to approach, explain, and listen effectively. We cannot grow quiet and stonewall — my largest and most obnoxious defense mechanism — and we cannot tell them nothing is wrong.

By ignoring the issue or hoping it will resolve on its own (which it never does), we build resentment and distrust that will inevitably damage the relationship over time.

For example, using “I” statements to explain how we feel about our partner’s actions is a commonly used communication skill. Nobody can invalidate your feelings.

My ex-boyfriend, *Steve, forgot we had dinner plans one night and made plans with his buddy. Rather than simply remind him, I ignored his calls and messages until he figured out what he did wrong. This is the opposite of healthy communication and this is where I could have used “I” statements.

In movies, the characters appear to magically know what they did wrong and eventually apologize through a grand, romantic gesture like in Friends with Benefits or Something Borrowed. Since this did not ever happen, I would cut and run once the resentment started to boil over.

In my mind, either relationships were movie perfect or they were doomed to a bitter, hateful marriage. Flashes of my stepfather throwing picture frames at my mother’s head and my mother screaming vulgar remarks at him come to mind. Communication is frightening.

At least until I entered therapy and started forming a healthier perspective on communication. You were hurt by your partner’s actions and you would like them to know. What is the worst that could happen?

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Romance Never Taught Compromise and Boundaries

We are independent human beings with our own lives. There will always be something we do not want to do. If we want a relationship, that means we want to share our life with someone else. Therefore, we will share aspects of our life and compromise aspects of our lives.

Selflessness gets you more than you could ever want — Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. LMFT

You can compromise and maintain your boundaries too. If you compromise and settle with the idea of your partner going out every other Saturday night with their friends, you can set a boundary if you are not comfortable with certain activities. Just make sure they are within reason.

This is where I found some of my own flaws too. When boyfriends tested boundaries, attempting to invite friends to a romantic getaway, attending strip clubs when we have dinner plans, prioritizing their weekends for video game marathons, I would compromise my principles and never maintain healthy boundaries.

If I speak up, he’ll call me controlling. Plus, shouldn’t they just know what girls are not okay with? I’d naively think to myself. The men in He’s Just Not That Into You all seem to know exactly what they are doing.

By not maintaining boundaries, I suffered through a lot of disappointment and resentment until I left them without explaining why.

My mother and stepfather did not maintain any healthy boundaries between them. Both were constantly on each other’s phones, scanning through each other’s web browser history, demanding each other’s time, and kicking each other out of the house.

My therapist explained there needed to be healthy boundaries in every relationship for it to be survive. It maintains balance and minimizes conflict. And, there needed to be consequences when boundaries are violated. It had nothing to do with being controlling.

“You need to value boundaries to prevent resentment,” Dr. Rodrick reminded me.

Whether you are a creature of habit or you have lived your life to suit your own needs for the last few years, it is a positive trait to listen and learn to compromise when you know there is flexibility. And, never compromise on personal boundaries, particularly if it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.

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Romance Never Taught Accepting Your Partner

The ability to change for the one you love is the largest misconception found in romantic comedies that warped my perception of relationships.

Accept your partner may never change simply because you love them. They have to want to change.

Accept your partner for who they are rather than who they could be. Your partner can obtain a few healthy habits by spending time with you, however never expect them to fully change who they are simply because you want them to.

People show their true colors within the first few months. If there are too many poor behaviors you cannot live with, you can set boundaries and consequences, but you cannot expect them to change. Another flaw of mine was finding bad habits early on (drinking, smoking weed, job-hopping, laziness, etc.) and deluding myself with the belief that they would be perfect if they changed that one thing. Then leaving them when they didn’t. But, movies told me they would always change. What was I doing wrong?

Movies like She’s All That, Cruel Intentions, Hitch, and Crazy, Stupid Love tell the audience that people can change their ways if they find “The One.” If we invest the time, stand by our principles, and tell them how much we love them, they will eventually change for us.

Ask yourself, can I live with this if nothing changes — Karl Pillemer, Ph. D

It took several heartbreaks to accept change was not going to happen and I needed to trust people when they showed me who they were. Either I accept them or I move on.

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Romance Never Taught Me Therapy is Sometimes Necessary

My unrealistic expectations, based on the superficial relationships of films and my dysfunctional upbringing, influenced me to abandon my relationships whenever there was trouble.

The end of each relationship pushed me closer and closer to therapy and salvation. My perceptions and expectations of romantic relationships were delusional.

Like Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, most of us carry some form of trauma related to our childhood which inevitably bleeds into our relationships if we do not work on it. Although I’d been in therapy for depression when I was younger, I never thought I might need it to establish a healthy, romantic relationship with a partner.

The genre of romance in films and books only took me so far. It took a few failed relationships, a smattering of self-help books, and therapy to accept all relationships will always be a work-in-progress. We are independent people who need help, motivation, and elevation from each other. Not a sudden escape route.

Failed relationships and therapy taught me we have to be willing to give what we expect to receive. We have to examine our bad habits and character flaws and make an effort at trying to repair them.

Overall, failed relationships taught me what the genre of romance never could.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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