The world is full of lies. No matter how much you try to escape, even statistics can deceive you.

I want to discuss a specific type of lie.

It’s the lies that you’re told repeatedly while growing up — by your parents, movies, songs, and even your friends. You know, the lies that shape your views of the world and dictate how things should be.

We create this image in our minds of how things are. Good people are kind, generous, and hardworking. Bad people are greedy, selfish, and try to take advantage of others.

Likewise, we grow up with ideas of “being a man.” Boys like blue. Boys don’t play with dolls. Boys like soccer. Boys like superheroes.

It feels natural to us. And, as we grow up, we don’t realize the effects that these ideas have on our behavior as adults. While this is a mechanism to make sense of the world, it can be harmful at times. It stops us from accepting feelings, pursuing hobbies, making connections to other people, and embracing who we truly are.

Overall, it stops people from living fulfilling lives.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. I believe there’s a way to break these stereotypes. Here are the biggest lies about men and what to do about them:

1. Men don’t cry.

We’ve all heard the saying “men don’t cry.” It fits the persona of the macho man, who overcomes challenges without any help — the macho man believes accepting help makes him vulnerable.

But this idea doesn’t make sense. It implies that men shouldn’t have emotions — and, if they do, they should never show them. So what do they do instead? They suppress their feelings.

Emotions, even the negative ones, are part of life.

As humans, you cannot expect not to have feelings. Whether you like it or not, a life without feelings is an incomplete life. Besides, you can’t selectively numb emotions. If you numb the negative feelings, you also numb the positive ones.

And this means that, yes, men can cry.

What to do about it:

Denying your emotions doesn’t make them disappear. On the contrary, it will only make the problem worse. Ignoring something requires energy. And, the more energy you put into something, the more it expands.

Instead of ignoring them, try to understand them. All emotions have a purpose. So try to find out what the emotion is trying to tell you. If you’re constantly upset, it might mean you have to change something in your life.

Here’s how I make sense of my feelings:

• Recognize the emotion. Start by accepting the emotion. How does it feel? Does your heart race? Does it make you smile? Cry? Is it good or bad? Don’t deny it, just recognize that it’s there.
• Ask yourself what it means. Emotions are there to help you. For instance, if you’re anxious because of an exam, it means you have to prepare more.
• Take action (or not). Once you reflect on your emotion, make a list of what you can do. But remember: not all emotions require action. Sometimes you have to deal with the pain.

Dealing with your feelings is uncomfortable in the short term, but it saves you a lot of trouble in the long term.

2. Men should sleep with as many women as possible.

Another lie about masculinity is about the relationship with women. It associates sexual relationships with masculinity — the more sex the man has, the more masculine he is.

Sleeping with a lot of women is a sign of masculinity.

I remember during my bachelor’s, I had this group of guy friends. Whenever they’d talk about girls, it’d go like, “dude, did you notice how hot Jessica looks?” They’d never complimenting her for her skills or personality. The only priority was a girl’s looks. Hanging out with them destroyed my self-esteem — before I knew it, I praised my looks before anything else.

This mentality hurts them just as much as it hurts me.

They are men with a decent education who come from healthy families. And yet, they are encouraged — by their peers and society— to objectify women. Objectifying women is the idea that women serve to fulfill men’s needs.

It’s a harmful way to see relationships, focusing on the shallow aspects. There’s no partnership, friendship, or even respect in most cases — no genuine connection.

What to do about it:

To change your mindset, answer this question: what do you expect from a relationship?

Yes, sexual attraction and looks are important. But they’re not the core of healthy relationships. As a guy, you expect to create a genuine connection with your partner — one that goes beyond the physical aspect.

The best way to create genuine connections is to be authentic.

So don’t be afraid to open up. Share your story, your fears, and your dreams. Don’t be afraid of commitment. In relationships, quality is more important than quantity.

3. Men are always strong.

Masculinity and strength go hand in hand. Society expects men to be strong both physically and mentally. Showing vulnerability is the same as being weak. Having feelings is for girls: men are too strong for that.

But there’s a misconception of what a strong man is.

Strength is not about muscles. A strong man shows his value during the difficult times — by finding creative solutions, overcoming his internal barriers, and expanding his comfort zone. And yet, we are conditioned to value muscles more than emotional strength.

The truth is: nobody is strong all the time, and it doesn’t make sense to expect is from anyone. It’s an insanely high burden to carry.

Being strong is overwhelming. It forces you to make complex choices, take risks, and constantly get out of your comfort zone. In reality, sometimes, you’ll need a break to recover.

What to do about it:

There are two ways to overcome this lie:

• Adjust your expectations. Think of the men you love the most. Do you expect them to be strong all the time? I’m guessing you don’t. So why would you expect this from yourself? There’s no shame in taking a break or admitting that you need help. There is strength in vulnerability, and recognizing your limitations will make you go further.
• Change your meaning of strength. Instead of appreciating the body builders for their strength, appreciate the men who are emotionally strong. For example, the ones who are disciplined, creative, and hard-working. This will give you a more realistic — and kind — perception of what aspects are important.

4. Men are not sensitive.

The gender stereotype for men includes specific characteristics — risk-taker, strength, confidence. Likewise, there are other characteristics traditionally associated with women — being delicate, sensitive, and caring.

However, many men believe that having these female characteristics makes them “non-masculine”. This mindset stops them from pursuing certain hobbies that might make them look too sensitive, like dancing or painting.

This belief is utterly wrong: men can be sensitive as well.

Life is not black and white. While some characteristics may be dominant in one gender, it doesn’t mean that the other gender can’t enjoy them as well. If a man likes to dance, wear makeup, or babysit, it doesn’t make him less of a man.

In reality, men are extremely creative. Creativity is the art of letting our minds run free. It’s the expression of our souls. So, when you think about it, creativity is the ultimate manifestation of sensitivity.

What to do about it:

Your hobbies shape your personality. However, these lies may stop you from pursuing your interests. And when you don’t allow yourself to experience things, you may never discover a significant part of your personality.

The best way to overcome this is to identify your internal barriers. What are the beliefs that shape your behavior? Do they hurt you or help you? What created these beliefs? Do they even make sense at all?

For instance, men are not encouraged to like cosmetics. So if a man enjoys doing a skincare routine, his friends will likely mock him. However, as long as you respect others, there’s nothing wrong in doing what makes you feel good. And enjoying a skincare routine doesn’t make a man less masculine.

What stops you from doing what you want?

. . .

Gender stereotypes shape many aspects of your personality, from your hobbies to the way you deal with emotions. While they’re not always harmful, they may stop you from getting in touch with who you really are.

Identifying these lies and overcoming them is an everyday task. It requires you to question your perception of the world and bring in new references to become better. It takes courage to face this lies and be true to yourself — but not doing so comes at a high price.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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