Growing with major emotional baggage and self-doubt, I used to consider myself unlovable.
The whole notion of me not being good enough and deserving of love wrecked all relationships in my life. My relationship with myself resulted in difficulties in my other relationship. My flawed projection and insecurities were then thrown into my relationships.
Since I wasn’t aware of myself and my needs, I ended up with people who weren’t right. It caused me mental exhaustion and terrible heartbreaks, but I learned profound lessons that are now fundamental for any relationship I get involved with, both intimate and platonic.
It was a tough phase, but it turned out to be a silver lining that introduced me to self-love.
During my healing and recovery time, I read books on relationships and psychology and watched tons of videos of relationship coaches like Mathew Hussey and Mat Boggs.
A quote from the book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower and a movie with the same name revolutionized how I think about love.
The seven words taught me more than anything else before.
The quote by Stephen Chbosky is the only love lesson I didn’t know I needed.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
It may sound simple, but this one line can make you rethink every area of your relationship.
In earlier years of my dating life, I’d happily accept the drama and toxicity thrown at me because I believed that it’s what I deserved. Unfortunately, I had no idea the boundary between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
I accepted what was given without expecting anything from people because the words expectations hurt were tattooed in my brain. So I kept my calm without expecting anything and settling down for how I was treated.
Since my relationship with myself was flawed, I had some trust and self-esteem issues, which created drama in my former relationships.
How my partners treated me was a reflection of how I treated myself. We don’t even realize how we set examples of how people should treat us the same way.
If you don’t respect yourself, you’ll find a person who doesn’t respect you.
Understanding the concept of self-love helped me part ways with my limiting believes and rekindled my self-confidence. As a result, I became self-aware, a better friend, and an understanding lover.
I accepted those unsatisfying relationships because that’s what I thought I deserved.
. . .
Choose Love Over Fear
If you don’t believe that you deserve to kind of love you dream about, you’ll settle for way less than you actually deserve. You’ll stop dreaming, and you will never take a chance on the love that is meant for you.
You won’t believe a person who thinks you’re amazing and beautiful because your confirmation bias will make you feel otherwise, and you’ll think that person is cajoling to impress you.
If we don’t accept this, we might end up alone.
It happens around us all the time. A person madly in love gets heartbroken and marries the next person they date. Not really because they’re in love, but because of the fear that they’ll lose what they currently have and thinking who else will love them again.
Rings a bell? I fell prey to that belief right after I ended my 7-year long relationship. That was the only love I had known. After that, I was terrified to be alone.
The thought of not finding love again haunted me 24×7, and it forced me to date someone who wasn’t an iota of what I wanted.
It was red flags from the moment we started dating. Needless to say, it didn’t last more than a couple of months. When we choose fear, we end up getting hurt.
Stephen Chbosky’s quote reminds us to choose love because we all deserve it irrespective of our beliefs.
. . .
Settling Down Doesn’t Promise A Secure Future
Since we’re kids, all we are prepared to do is settle down, especially in Indian culture. Settling down can turn out to be the best decision of your life, but it doesn’t promise a secured and happy future.
Rushing to get married because you’re reaching that age or you’ve been single for too long is the worst reason to do so. Unfortunately, that’s the primary reason people get married in my country.
We are taught to compromise when we’re not happy. We’re primed in such fashion that we learn to live in an unhealthy marriage when it’s the most virulent thing in our life.
When you settle down for a person who doesn’t treat you right, you subliminally accept that you deserve it.
You’re not a slave living in the 19th century; you’re a free human being who can make their own choices. But how often do we do that?
Don’t settle down for way less than what you deserve
You may have heard that romance and deep connection only happen in movies but do you really think that you’re the only person who’s into old-school romance and all things unicorn and rainbows?
The quality of your relationships with yourself determines the quality of other relationships in your life. You don’t have to lose yourself to gain someone else. You don’t have to disown your individuality to merge with their personality.
“If you imagine less, less will be what you undoubtedly deserve.” — Debbie Millman
There are 7 billion people in the world. And you only need one person who loves you the way you want to be loved. That’s what those seven words remind us about waiting for what we deserve.
You don’t have to leave your friends to make them feel secure. You don’t have to stop being yourself to become a part of their being. You don’t have to love yourself less to love them more with your heart and soul.
People will tell you that you won’t get everything in one person and that they can’t be perfect. And I agree with the fact that no one is perfect, but some people try their best to be perfect for you. They are not the jack of all trades, but they are kind of spade in areas which you can’t compromise.
Their shortcomings aren’t an issue if they’re making you feel content and loved. It is possible to get people who respect you and do not want anything in return. They want to be with you and love you for who you are.
They’re the yin to your yang.
It is possible to find a beautiful face and a beautiful soul. It is possible to find people who believe in your dreams and help you attain them.
It’s possible to find someone who does not suffocate you.
It’s possible to find people who love you the way you are without an ounce of change!
Because that’s the kind of relationship that blossoms.
Until you find that person and the relationship, don’t settle.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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