Whether our past has left us with superficial scars or deep wounds, it should be remembered: we are all wounded in some way. A lonely childhood, bullying by schoolmates, a tortured love affair, or an abandonment or betrayal of trust by someone we loved has seared into our memory and left its mark on our mind and soul. Even if we are unaware of the wounds, or they are from the distant past, they can still influence our feelings and behavior in the present.
As with physical wounds, some psychic wounds are deep lacerations caused by severe traumatic events, which can take years of concerted treatment in order to heal. Some wounds are simple abrasions that, left alone, will clear up by themselves. Some will never heal.
No matter how slick and well put together a person may seem on the surface, every one of us humans has a sad, scared little child buried somewhere deep inside. Sometimes the more slick and glossy the surface we exhibit to the world, the deeper the wound and the more we feel we must hide it. This wounded child is in need of love and comfort. If we deny, conceal or ignore our inner child, or judge him as weak and needy, we will be compounding that original injury or abandonment. It’s not helpful to tell him, “You’re weak, get over it, it’s not a big deal.” In order for the scars of the past to begin to heal, we need to offer loving kindness to that inner child when they are in need. A safe environment and a non-judgmental atmosphere can shine light into dark corners and facilitate healing.
Rather than the go-it-alone, stiff-upper-lip pose that guys sometimes use when faced with unsettling emotions, maybe some gentle self-acceptance and encouragement would be more needed. That loving kindness, focused inward, is a soothing balm and can transform us if it comes from our own self. It is also transformative if it comes from someone who loves us and who we love.
Though we are usually more tuned in to our own wounds and imperfections, it is important to remember that our partner also carries their own wounds and imperfections. This will help us look upon them with more patience and forbearance. They too judge themself weak and needy. They too attempt to hide their vulnerable inner child. Their demons may be as terrifying as our own, their wounds as deep and painful.
As we maintain the awareness of our partner’s vulnerable inner child, we are more apt to offer them empathy, forgiveness, praise, and support, all elements which will help bring about their healing. And through being a safe refuge and reaching out to our partner with loving kindness, we also bring about the healing of our own wounds.
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This post is republished on Agents of Change on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
