You’ll know you’re with the right person when you want to be with them all the time.
You won’t have to tell the right person what you need, because they’ll give it to you freely.
The right person will never hurt you.
The right person won’t ask you to change.
The right person will love all the things that the wrong person hated.
I’ve heard people utter some semblance of these statements and more and I’m always left befuddled. But I’ll admit that I’m usually left befuddled by people’s understanding and expectations of love and relationships. I’ve always found it odd that when many people speak of love, they’re speaking solely of romantic/sexual love. That’s odd to me because there are different types of love, and none are any less important than the other. It’s also odd to me because I think when speaking of romantic/sexual love, many people confuse attraction for love.
I’m a proponent of love. I think love is the greatest gift there is. It’s a superpower honestly. I also think that because many of us have yet to fully experience love, we don’t know how to operate in it, and we confuse a lot of things (codependency, hatred, fear, manipulation to name a few) for love. But that’s not my point, so I’ll move along.
When you’re in the attraction phase, you’re not truly in a state of love. You’re acting on the impulse ignited by your physical attraction to the person and truthfully, initial physical attraction is a poor indicator of if a relationship will last and its success, especially when you believe any of the aforementioned statements.
In our quest to deter ourselves and our loved ones from entering or staying in unhealthy relationships, we give advice. That advice, like most of the advice that we give and receive in life, is fragmentary. It’s based on our experience, which we fail to admit is limited. As such, we speak of circumstances that we may not fully understand or that may not actually apply, even more, may not even be true. We sell stories of love to our friends, family, and the general public. Stories that are downloaded, recycled and regurgitated ad nauseam until the collective begins to believe it. We have so many false thoughts of what the right one for us will do, and what the relationship will be like. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I think so many of us have seen and experienced dysfunctional relationships that we want to correct. The thing about correction though, is that we can tend to overcorrect. We view life through such binary lenses that we cling to an all-or-nothing approach to most things, relationships included.
It’s true that there are elements that will be present when you are with the right person for you. There will be respect, cooperation, a sense of value in you and the relationship. And most important, there will be compatibility. However, those things don’t include or make for the absence of difficulties or less than desired components. Since the more intimate we become with a person, the more likely we are to see their (and our own) flaws, weaknesses, and bad behaviors. When that happens, and if you’re open, you will learn a lot about yourself, your partner, and the relationship. So, here are some unpretty truths that we don’t say about what you can experience in a healthy relationship with the right person.
The right person for you will not understand everything about you. Of course, they will love, respect you and they will want to understand you. However, there will be things about you that no matter how much they love you, they simply will not get.
The right person for you will hurt your feelings. They most likely won’t intentionally do so, but inevitably they will say or do something hurtful. They will fail you in some way because well, humans. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you nor does it mean they’re not the right person for you.
It may not be love at first sight when you meet the right person. I blame rom coms for creating this unrealistic idea of you’ll know the second you meet “the one.” *cue dramatic music* They were standing across from one another in a room when they looked up. Suddenly, their eyes met. Time stood still, and everyone else in the room disappeared. They smiled and suddenly, they just knew. Makes for great movies and books. And while it’s true that there are people who have experienced an instant connection, that’s not the norm. You may experience a slow and steady burn, or you may not even consider the person when you first meet.
The right person for you may not come in the package you expected. Since we have our very own movie projectors in our heads, we tend to hold on to the image of what we’ve created in our minds as the perfect one. We know our type. But that can sometimes get in the way of us accepting the right one when we meet them simply because they didn’t match what we saw in our heads.
The right person for you will have some behavior or traits that you may not like. In other words, they will get on your nerves. You know those behaviors you have that family, friends, and even exes have brought to your attention as ones you should work on? Your right one will have those traits and so will you. Love and compatibility don’t mean that you two will love everything about one another. You will push one another’s buttons, annoying one another.
The right person for you will go through things that you may not be able to help them work through. No matter how deep the love, you are still two separate people. There will be times when one of you will experience something that while as much as you want to make it all better for them, you can’t. It will be up to them to seek help or help themselves and you will have to stand by and support them from the sidelines.
The right person for you won’t always know what to say or do for you. I know I said love is a superpower. However, it doesn’t include mind reading. They won’t know all the right things to say or do simply because they love you. You will have to use your words to let them know what you need and desire.
The right person for you will want to spend time away from you. As much as you love one another, you will want to have a moment to yourself. You may want to spend time with friends and family outside of one another, and it’s healthy to do so. You’re still two separate people.
The right person for you won’t always agree with you. You’re going to have some opinions that they will disagree with. You’re going to do some things that they won’t think are the right things to do. You’re going to say some things they may wish you hadn’t said. You’ll have interests that don’t appeal to one another. And as Janet sang, that’s the way love goes.
A relationship with the right person will always require work. No matter how right the person for you may be, you cannot generate a relationship out of thin air, and it will take time and work to build a thriving, fulfilling, healthy relationship. You’ll have to work at it even once in an established relationship with your person, and you’ll have to work for the duration of the relationship. You both are going to have to work at communication, respecting one another’s boundaries, growing together, and prioritizing your relationship. The beautiful thing is that you when with the right person for you, you’ll want to do those things and you’ll enjoy doing so.
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Previously Published on medium
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