It’s no secret that romantic relationships are a source of deep fulfillment for some of us, making them one of the significant aspects of life. But finding, building, and nurturing healthy and satisfying relationships is everything but easy.
And like everyone else, you must have also tried to play your own part to make sure that almost all the relationships you’ve ever found yourself in work out fine.
But the thing is, some of the things we think define love aren’t always true. In fact, believing them to the core is one of the things that hurt us the most.
Because all they do is force us into frustration and disappointment as we have little to no success or happiness believing and practicing them in the wrong way.
But I finally noticed that there are a lot of better practices and beliefs hidden beneath a lot of popular beliefs that are sometimes counterproductive. And here are some underlying truths about loving someone buried beneath the exaggeration of the dating world.
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1. It isn’t love simply because they always make your day.
It’s easy to believe that you’re in love with someone simply because they’re the best part of your day as they cause your day to be pleasant or happy. But that isn’t always a healthy sign.
Because depending on your partner for happiness even when you think you’re independent but somehow rely on your partner to feel happy and fulfilled, reeks of codependency.
For sure, it’s normal and healthy for your partner to be one of the major sources of happiness in your life, but if your partner seems to be the only source of happiness you’ve got, there’s a problem. It’s even worst if you’re generally unhappy with your life and your partner serves as an oasis for you.
Besides, no one can truly make you happy or provide all the things you need for happiness until you make yourself happy.
The truth is, casting your happiness on your partner will be simply frightening and discouraging for them especially when you make it obvious to them and they sense that they cannot always make you happy which will, in turn, force them into fear of abandonment if they consistently fail to make you happy and that’ll further hold-back their ability to make you any happier.
But what you should always aim for is a relationship where you and your partner maintain some level of independence in almost all aspects of your lives including your sources of happiness outside the relationship.
Because when you’re happy with your life and your partner adds to it, you stand a better chance of enjoying a truly happy and fulfilling relationship with yourself and your partner.
That’s why you shouldn’t allow yourself and your feelings to be too dependent on your partner. And if you’re already in such a situation, it’s possible to regain your independence as long as you’re willing to work your way out.
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2. It isn’t love just because you prioritize them.
When we are in love with someone it’s only natural of us to care about their wants and needs but when you prioritize your partner in a way that tears you down, you become prone to disappointment. Which might, in turn, crush your hope of building a healthy and happy relationship with that person.
In essence, just because you prioritize your partner’s needs and wants isn’t enough proof that you love them neither will it be enough reason for your relationship to stand the test of time.
It might even have the opposite effect.
For sure, prioritizing your partner and relationship is one of the underrated acts of love that leads to great relationships.
But the problem? When you compromise your own wants and needs or measure your value by your ability to make your partner happy, you’re getting it all wrong.
Instead, you should hope for a relationship where both of you make conscious efforts to meet each other’s needs and prioritize each other. As opposed to tearing yourself down in the quest to prioritize your partner and make your relationship work.
Besides, prioritizing your partner in this way, simply means that you’re in a one-sided relationship. You wouldn’t want your relationship to be described as such right?
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3. It isn’t measured by how much they inspire you to be better.
This point sounds pretty controversial. I know. And I’m sure you must have heard countless times that you should find and hold on to a partner that inspires you to be the best version of yourself.
Only that you don’t have to always seek out such kinds of partners. Actually, you shouldn’t. You already know how daunting it is to be imposed upon. And how draining it is to have someone so bent on changing you.
That’s why you should always bear in mind the differences between someone who truly inspires you to grow and become a better person, and one who wants to change you to what they think is the best for you.
I fancy being around people who want the best for me, but some people go overboard with wanting the best for others that they tend to have little or no respect for the opinions and choices of others. And being judged heavily for not taking someone’s advice gives rise to resentment, confusion, and distance between one another.
The truth is, even though good role models have the same effects on us, having a partner that inspires you to grow and become better in life is kind of cool, only when they inspire you to achieve your own vision of a good life.
But if they try to force their own ideal down your throat, you should know that that isn’t love. Because love never imposes. You don’t have to live your life on the opinions and ideals of another.
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4. It isn’t always measured by how much time, work, or effort you’re willing to put in.
I understand that relationships require hard, loving, works or endeavors of commitment. But putting in the very best efforts you can, might not always be the best thing to do.
Healthy relationships indeed come with huge and extraordinary endeavors of commitment, in fact, you’ll struggle to keep your relationship if you aren’t willing to make conscious efforts to make it work. But this doesn’t mean you should slave your ass off all in the name of keeping a relationship. Especially when you’re putting too much effort and not getting enough back.
That’s why you should always strive for a give and take kind of relationship instead of one that might require you to give up your success or turn down your social life simply because your partner isn’t comfortable with them.
Because you don’t have to be in an unbalanced relationship where you have to give things up to focus on the needs of your partner when that partner of yours cares little about your own needs.
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5. Being selfish or self-absorbed isn’t always bad.
Love isn’t selfish. Love is patient. True love is humble. Love is sacrifice. Love puts the other person first…
But what about loving yourself? And what do you think about nurturing the most important relationship in your life which is the one you have with yourself?
I believe in and usually care for the needs and wants of my loved ones but I know that depriving myself of love, respect, and compassion will affect my love life negatively.
I know that a lot of people are selfless enough to always give until there’s simply nothing left for them. They care for the needs and wants of their significant others even at the expense of their health, wellness, or self-worth. But they don’t know how insane it is. Self-love isn’t selfish!
Helping, caring, compromising, or even giving up your own needs for that of your significant other consistently simply because you don’t want to appear selfish might actually make them take you for granted. They might even think you’re stupid.
Self-love isn’t just about self-care. For sure, it’s also important but self-love also has to do with treating yourself with compassion, and respecting yourself, your self-worth, your values, and your boundaries.
Because if you are not showing yourself love and respect, or treating yourself with compassion and care, you can’t expect others to.
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Final thoughts.
Quite often, we are been told that healthy and great relationships come with huge and extraordinary endeavors of commitment.
And while this may be true, we might just waste the time and efforts we’ve put in trying to nurture and make our relationships even better if we keep holding onto some misguided beliefs in a way that causes us a lot of pain.
Throw those counterproductive exaggerations on the refuse dump.
Open your eyes to the truths hidden beneath a lot of popular beliefs. Don’t blindly do things even when they have the worst effects on you.
Because that won’t help your relationships thrive by any stretch of the imagination.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Scott Broome on Unsplash
