Instead of Celebrating the Length, Let’s Celebrate the Depth

Why is it that we applaud relationships that span decades? We bow to those who have stayed married for 30, 40, or 50+ years, and we ask for their secrets to staying married.

But what if the secret is the decidedly un-sexy advice, “Just don’t split up?”
What happens if instead, we ask how long someone is happy in their relationship and if they feel truly seen by their partner, rather than how long they were able to tolerate the relationship dynamics?

When you are focused on your partner’s good qualities and show them the same kindness, warmth, respect, and generosity of spirit that you would your best friend, your relationship has the greatest chance of not just surviving but thriving into its later years.
— Sophie Winters

My marriage ended after 14 years together, and while I loved many things about the life I lead — the house we had thoroughly remodeled, the entrepreneurial community where both our businesses were located, the many friends nearby, the miles of forested hiking paths just steps from the front door— my romantic bucket remained empty. We dealt with one hardship after another and ultimately couldn’t sustain the connection. The middle seven years were extremely rough as we navigated health trials, business issues, a foreclosure on my first home, and more, and by the time we hit the final four years of our marriage, the relationship was really just withering.

I know of several 50+ year marriages that didn’t break up, despite multiple affairs, anger issues, and addictions. While I adore the romantic notion of being married for 50+ years, I also don’t want to model my relationship after those. I don’t want their secret, which might be something like, “Turn your head and pretend not to see; Don’t rock the boat.” Perhaps that’s a generational thing — to feel like you need to stay married no matter what. Or perhaps authenticity in connection isn’t as important to those folks.

On the other hand, any long-spanning relationship — whether it’s a friendship, or marriage, or something in-between — must have an element of forgiveness to it. Every relationship has its rough patches. We inadvertently say or do hurtful things. We get annoyed by listening to the same story a hundred times and we make our feelings known. We prioritize other friends and the things we want, instead of what’s best for the partnership. We drop the ball on events that are important to them. We stifle how we truly feel — that effort to not rock the boat — until we can’t bottle it up any longer, and it explodes out of us wildly. We ignore our boundaries or steamroll over theirs. We dismiss their concerns or make our partners feel less-than.

Only through open, honest communication, a genuine desire to repair things, changed behavior, and authentic forgiveness can the relationship continue safely and happily.

Consistent, reciprocal effort will triumph over longevity or years already invested. For now, that’s the blueprint I’ll be working from. And I’m happy to be with my partner for as long as this is true of us both.

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Previously Published on medium

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