What You Wish For

When I was 8-years old, Dad yelled, pointing his finger in my face for doing something wrong, for not being good enough. I so wished that I could be some Badass. Dad scared me to my very soul. I was helpless. There wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about that. I was small. Dad was bigger, stronger, and very angry. I wished that when I grew up, that I would be a badass. Then no one would mess with me. Especially, not Dad.

Emerging from my abusive childhood, I got that I was weak, that I wasn’t strong enough. That I wasn’t good enough. I was the short fat nerd through high school and college. In graduate school, I started working out. I got into weight training. I continued when I moved up to Los Angeles for work in satellite systems engineering. At one point, I could bench press 250 pounds. That wasn’t bad given that I weighed 145 pounds. Yet, stronger would never be strong enough. Rather, 8-year-old Jon was still scared inside.

I got back into Aikido, which Mom made me take as a teenager in Hawaii. I thought that if I could get my black belt, then I could really be some badass. Deep down, I had something to prove. That I was good enough. That I wasn’t scared anymore.

The late Mizukami Sensei got me, got what I needed. He was 2^nd generation Japanese American like Dad. Sensei was Old School. Whereas Dad wanted me to be like him, Sensei created space for me to be myself. He saw my greater-than versions that I didn’t yet distinguish. Sensei said, “Just train.”

Sensei said, “Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.” Yes, that was for executing iriminage (clothesline technique to the head) for the punching attack. In the bigger picture, Sensei taught me to take the glancing blows, to be uncomfortable for what’s meaningful to me. Sensei taught me what it is to be a good man, to heal myself. Aikido Founder O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome myself, not others. Just saying.

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Mizukami Sensei taught Ishibashi Sensei and me. Now, Ishibashi Sensei is my Sensei. Sensei instructs, “Apply the (Aikido) technique to yourself.” It’s only me against me. The attacker and the attack is irrelevant. When I defend against the attack, I can be defeated. That goes for me, too.

A few weeks ago in Aikido practice, I took a fall and strained my groin. When I made contact with the Aikido mat, I tensed up. I defended against the fall, instead of letting go. After class, Sensei, who’s a trained healer, stretched me out. I was good enough to go home. I had a big bruise the next day.

Later Sensei texted me, “FYI the injury today was a release and healing!” Absolutely. The purpose of Aikido for me and Sensei is to release fear, our fear inside.

Someone attacks. I enter the attack and die with honor. I get under the attack, under the sword, enter the danger. I choose who I am, what I do. I release my fear. My fear from the past. My fear of Dad, the fear of not being good enough. No, that fear inside may never completely go away. Yet, I purposefully let some of my fear go every time I practice.

I worked with my acupuncturist Dr. Pan and my chiropractor Ali Oshinomi to heal my injury. After about 4 weeks I returned to Aikido. I still feared that taking falls might reinjure myself. I let that go.

When I took my first fall, I didn’t think about it. Mushin (empty mind). Instead of defending against the fall, I let everything go. I was fine. I got the lesson. I release my fear inside.

When I was 8-years, I was the frightened little boy, who wished to be some badass, someday. Now, I’m Godan (5^th degree black belt) in Aikido having trained for almost 35 years. Yeah, I’ve trained to be a badass, who doesn’t fight. In the bigger picture, it was never about being some bad man, some tough guy. I had to find my measure of peace and learn to release my fear within.

Sometimes, what you wish for isn’t always what you get. It could be far more. Just saying.