I used to believe the worst thing that can happen in a relationship is a breakup. The pain of a breakup is almost unspeakable: it’s like you are losing a part of yourself. I couldn’t imagine any pain worst than that.
Well, I was wrong.
Yes, breakups still hurt like a b*tch. But there are two types of pain. The first is intense and short. That’s the breakup: although it hurts, you have a (somewhat) clear deadline. You know it won’t last forever.
The second type is the worst.
This pain is like a needle. It doesn’t hurt much, but it can stay there for a long (or indefinite) time. You endure it for so long that you get brainwashed. You assume this pain is the new normal, so you adjust. You forget how it’s like to be without this pain.
The small things are easy to dismiss (they’re so tiny, aren’t they?). But they’re powerful.
Do you know how people say you fall in love with details? Well, you can also fall out of love with details. Small things add up with time, and without you realizing it, they can cost your relationship.
1. Not listening.
Imagine you had a fantastic day at work. Your customers were nice, your boss complimented your work, your coworkers invited you to happy hour, and you had a great time.
It was the most perfect day you can imagine.
Then, you come home and can’t wait to tell your boyfriend. You can barely stop smiling. All you want is to share the feeling with him.
Except he doesn’t even look at you: he’s too busy scrolling down Instagram.
When you think about it, it’s a really small moment. Your partner didn’t do anything wrong (he didn’t do anything at all). You could easily overlook this and move on.
Except, when your partner ignores you, the message he sends is: “your day doesn’t matter; Instagram is more interesting.”
This message makes you feel like your worth is the same as garbage: nothing.
What to do:
In the internet era, everyone fights for your attention (because it’s worth money). You don’t have to give your full attention to your partner all the time. But, when you never give them attention, there’s no point in staying in this relationship.
When you give attention to your partner (even for the small things), you say they matter. You make them feel loved.
So, even you think it’s small, listen. Ask questions, look them in the eye, and smile. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
2. Too much mocking.
Imagine you have an unusual hobby. Let’s say you like Harry Potter.
You read it as a child, and it shaped who you are. On a Saturday night, you turn on the movies. You want to enjoy the weekend, and a chill night with your favorite movie and a glass of wine sounds perfect.
You hit play only to hear: “I can’t believe you’re watching this child’s movie. Harry Potter is stupid.”
It’s just an innocent joke. There’s no reason to be offended, right?
Wrong.
Your hobbies shape who you are. It’s how you learn, relax, recharge, and spend your free time. They mean something to you. When your partner repeatedly mocks your hobbies, they also make fun of your personality.
There’s nothing worse than feeling unfit.
What to do:
These jokes seem innocent, but they are powerful if repeated over time. They hurt because they come from someone you love. You expected to find comfort, but you found judgment.
When you dislike your partner’s hobbies, try to keep an open mind.
Don’t think of it as “Harry Potter, the child’s book.” Think of it as what makes your partner who they are. This mindset gives you a broader perspective on things. Some things have sentimental value and mean more than you think.
3. Dismiss their concerns.
By now, you should know you’ll face conflicts in your relationship. Even the happiest couples disagree at times, and that’s not a problem. I’ll go further and say if you don’t have conflict, one party is too submissive.
What nobody tells you is: how you deal with conflict speaks volumes about your relationship.
Imagine you feel your partner distant lately. He doesn’t answer texts, go out with friends every day, and you don’t talk like you used to. You mention this concern to him so you can find solutions together.
Then, he says: “I’m sure you made this up. I’m not distant. You’re crazy.”
Your concerns don’t matter. He’s just not ready to talk to you because there’s no room for disagreement.
And, if you don’t talk, how can you maintain a relationship?
What to do:
Every relationship needs a good deal of communication. You can’t expect others to read your mind: it’s your job to understand and express your feelings.
But communication is a two-way street.
You want your partner to share their concerns, but you have to be prepared to listen (even when it’s unpleasant). It’s uncomfortable to hear you’re wrong, but there’s no way around it.
Next time you face conflict with your partner:
- Listen carefully.
- Validate their concerns.
- Put yourself in their shoes.
Poor communication is the silent killer of multiple relationships.
4. You take them for granted.
Long-term relationships make you feel safe. And that’s precisely what you expect from relationships, isn’t it? You want a partner that makes you comfortable.
Well, not quite. It might be counterintuitive, but relationships that get too comfortable tend to die. Let me explain.
Relationships are like plants: you have to water them.
What would happen if you stopped replying to your partner’s texts? On the first day, he’ll find it weird. On the second day, he’s worried something happened to you. After a week, he leaves you.
You did nothing wrong. You just didn’t reply.
Except not replying is enough to destroy a relationship.
Relationships take constant effort. The moment you get too comfortable and stop putting in the effort, it fades away (just like plants die without water). You want to feel comfortable but not sloppy.
What to do:
Relationships happen on the details. It’s a good night kiss, a random text during the day, a comforting smile, and an exciting conversation. It doesn’t take anything too exotic: the basics are enough.
These small moments are powerful.
The moment you let them fade away, it’s the moment you start falling out of love. They are so small it’s easy to dismiss. So set the alarm if necessary, send texts, and be present.
Never take your partner for granted.
. . .
Small things are powerful: they can make or break a relationship.
This happens because these moments become habits. You repeat them over and over again, and the small things add up. If your habits are loving, that’s great. But if they’re not, it might cost you your relationship.
So use the small habits to your advantage. Create tiny moments during your routine to bond with your partner: listen to their day, respect their hobbies, and validate their concerns.
Relationships are a daily effort, but it’s worth it.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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