Relationships are one of the best teachers in life. Having to strip yourself naked in front of someone else — not literally, but also — teaches you so many lessons! It allows you develop your views on the world, yourself, and on the connection with others.
Below there are five lessons I learned in five relationships with women in my life. Maybe they will shed a light on what you’re going through right now, or make you feel less alone in your experience. Either way, I bet you can relate.
1. People Make Mistakes but That Doesn’t Define Them
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
The Holy Bible is probably not the best reference on an article about relationships written by a lesbian, but you get the point.
We all have made mistakes, and we all have been faulty in our relationships. There are mistakes worse than others, but it’s human nature to be imperfect. Hopefully, your relationship is with a human… So don’t expect them to be perfect.
Work hard to understand how the other person felt when they committed their sin. Learn to put yourself in their shoes and practice empathy. A lot of issues can be fixed if you are a bit more lenient and put things into perspective.
Once, I had a relationship with someone I knew. We had been friends for a few years before our connection developed into something more. The relationship lasted about a year, until it started fading and we found ourselves in the friend zone again. One day, months after breaking up, I asked her if she had cheated on me during that fading period. As I suspected, she said yes.
It hurt, but it would hurt more to lose one of the most important people in my life. I reflected on all the good, kind, beautiful actions she had had towards me over the years, as a friend and as a partner. She had been “my person” for so long.
I decided in that moment that I wouldn’t let one day define her. One day out of the 2,000 we had been in each other’s lives. She’s still one of my best friends.
2. Some People Insist on Their Mistakes — That Defines Them
Before that relationship, I was with a girl who committed a lot more than one mistake. She abused me emotionally and verbally for almost 3 years.
That’s a very long time to learn and correct course, but she never did. She kept the same abusive behaviour, and I kept letting her — this was my mistake in that relationship.
No matter how much you love someone, if they regularly hurt you, in one way or another, they’re not good for you. Hard as it may seem, don’t make the same mistake I did. Leave!
3. Good + Good = (Maybe) Bad
Only because two people are good on their own, it doesn’t mean they are good together. Quite logical, right? Yet, it usually takes us a hard while to comprehend this simple fact.
I once had a girlfriend to whom, to this day, I refer to as “the kindest person I ever met”. She was a sweetheart. A great girlfriend, supportive, caring and fun. I was decent with her too. Yet, our relationship was not exactly what you would call good. We didn’t argue often, it was more this lingering sense of not fitting together somehow. We respected and cared about each other, but we weren’t the right person for one another.
I’ve also seen a different version of this lesson. Two of my friends were in a relationship, and they were both great people on their own. But in the context of the relationship they became like two lions fighting for their life. They argued constantly and treated each other in ways they never treated other people. They brought out the worst of each other in a very clear and intense way. Needless to say, it didn’t last long.
A relationship is not a sum of two people. It’s those two people plus everything else surrounding them, resulting in a separate entity, which is the relationship. And only because both parties are good and decent, it doesn’t mean the result will be the same.
4. Life Circumstances Matter More Than Love
“Love conquers all”: the biggest bullshit you were ever told about romantic relationships. Love can help overcoming adversities. Relationships that face hard times can strengthen, endure and come out healthier on the other side . But that’s the happy version.
Life circumstances play a major role on relationships. Money issues are the second largest divorce reason in the US. Other times, it’s geographical problems: long distance relationships might seem romantic but the constant absence takes a toll on you. Or maybe one of you wants kids but the other doesn’t.
Once I had a relationship that started to crumble down because I wanted to move abroad but my girlfriend didn’t. We broke up eventually. She still lives in the same place, I have been away for a few years now. Would I change my decision? No. I loved her, but I was young and wanted to explore the world. Had I stayed, I would be bitter and resentful. This way, I got to live the life I wanted, and eventually I had other happy relationships.
5. Choose Someone and Love Them
In Bo Burnham’s “Lower your expectations” song, there is this line:
If you want love, just pick a girl and love her.
Blunt as it may sound, it’s wise advice. As he sings in the song, our expectations of love and relationships tend to be unrealistic. They are based on movies, books and other media that propagate this faulty idea of love as something that happens to you.
Successful romantic relationships don’t simply happen, they are the result of hard work from both parties involved. This is probably the hardest lesson to learn. It requires you to let go of your preconceived ideas and have the courage to sit through the hard times. Yet, it’s the only way to develop and maintain a long-lasting, meaningful relationship.
Before You Leave
Some of these lessons are painful. Others just come to you as a clear realization of something that you knew all along but were too blind to see.
Hopefully, with each relationship you learn something that you take to the next one. Not as baggage, but as lessons that give you the skills to do better next time.
—
Previously Published on medium
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community. A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities. A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.—
Photo credit: iStock
