3 Issues That Are Not Your Problem

You know, I often write about how we should be fighting for civil rights and reproductive rights. I write about how we should fight for our right to be who we are, and fight to have people take us seriously. I even talk about fighting against oneself.

Yeah, we do a lot of fighting in this day and age.

Is anyone else here feeling a little tired from having to try to convert people to the side of civil rights? Or feeling like everything is an uphill battle? In many cases, there’s an easy way to handle that feeling: walking away from stuff that’s not your problem.

It’s time to be honest. We cannot solve every problem that we see on the news, nor can we fight every battle we’re presented with. These problems, in particular, are ones I’ve noticed people need to back away from the most.

Stop trying to convince, cajole, befriend and negotiate with people who promote hate.

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Look, I’m going to come under fire for this, but it’s been true for a while. Some political beliefs are so heinous, they are absolutely deserving of severed friendships. And no, it doesn’t make you intolerant to refuse to tolerate hatemongers in your midst.

People who don’t want others to have body autonomy or similar rights fit into this sphere. Nazis fit into this category. Q-Anon followers fit into this category. So do incels, misogynists, racists, and hate preachers.

And you know what?

It’s time to stop trying to play nice with these people and it’s time to start shunning them. People who have politics based on hate are not going to argue with you in good faith. They don’t actually care what you have to say. ]

Don’t say they’re “good people” when they’re doing nothing but spewing hate. They may be brainwashed, but you know what? If they were decent people, they wouldn’t be saying racist and sexist stuff.

You are not going to convince people like this because they have already made up their minds. They just want to scream at someone. At best, you’ll be “one of the good ones.” At worst? You might get assaulted or threatened.

Trying to fight them on this or debate with them doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter how long you have known a person with these kinds of views, either. The only thing that works is saying, “You’re too hateful for me to be around.”

Seriously. Block them. Step away from them. Grieve, if you have to. It’s not your job to convert them to the world of tolerance. They know they’re wrong. They don’t care, and it’s time to know when to walk. They don’t get the right to have you play civil when they’re not civil with you.

Your goal is to avoid getting yourself involved in their stupid shenanigans, and you do that by distancing yourself. What happens to them as a result of their hatred is not your problem. So don’t make it your problem.

What others think of you is not your problem.

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You know, I have a lot of people who called me stupid, crazy, and a whore. I had a lot of people who told me I’d never amount to anything. I had so many people tell me I was not worth their friendship.

I, like many others in my position, did the “Pick Me” dance trying to get people to like me. We all want to be wanted, but truthfully? Nothing I could have said or done would have ever made them like me. It’s sad but true.

It’s not your battle to fight if people don’t think highly of you. It’s not your battle to convince them, because they don’t want to be convinced. It’ll just waste your energy and make them think even less of you.

Want to know what your real battle is? You need to find the people who are there for you and offer you real friendship. Your job, when you’re surrounded by people who talk shit about you, is to get away from them.

They’re not the people for you. More importantly, you shouldn’t want them around you. People who drag you down and think you’re shit on their shoes are toxic people. Lose them, and make sure they stay lost.

Soothing your abusers’ feelings is not your battle, either.

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I’ve seen a lot of people who have comforted abusers who’ve hit them, threatened them, and hurt them. I’ve been that person, too. It’s a weird thing to have happen, because you want to nurture them and you feel guilty if you walk away.

Deep down, you might believe that if you love them enough, the “Prince Charming” or “Princess Charming” will come back out. Deep down, you want to fix them or want to prove that you’re the better person.

Abusers bank on that as a way of keeping their targets in line. That’s why they foist responsibility for their emotions on others. It’s a game they love to play, and it helps them blame you for their failings.

Stop it.

It’s not your job to fix broken people. It’s not your job to soothe someone who treats you like shit. That’s not your fight to have, even if they try to make it your fight. You are not responsible for the feelings or actions of others.

Rather than fight for your abusers “sowwy widdle feelings,” fight for your own damn self. Stop feeling bad for having boundaries that protect you. Fight for your right to feel safe and respected in your home. Get angry at them! Leave them!

It’s your right as a human being to defend yourself, even if it makes abusive people angry. Trust me, you’ll be way happier once you walk out on people who treat you like shit. How they handle it is on them, not you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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