The Devoted Man

A 5 step guide taking you from dating apps to marriage

I’m a 53 years old African American man. I have been through challenging times when it comes to dating. Following life-giving principles turned it around for me. The success I discovered I am inspired to share. Fellas, let us try some new ways of dating. Dating apps used with positive intentions are God-sent.

We all know the definition of insanity; it takes different choices to be sane. The great King Solomon put it like this in Proverbs 26:11

“ Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his foolishness.”

Proverbs 26:11

So, where do we start? It all begins in us. Self-improvement. Yes, it takes courage, but it is worthwhile in the long run.

Excerpt from the short read “The Devoted Man.”

Let’s talk about the definition of insanity for a moment. Insanity is where it all started for me. I thought the same things about dating for years, even though that approach wasn’t working for me.

“Generally accepted wisdom is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.”

That said, It’s time to stop the headaches and build a great life, starting with a wonderful wife.

“Find a good spouse, you find a good life and even more: the favor of God” (Proverbs 18:22 MSG).

We will build. The biblical truths will be our boundaries and foundation, and we will add on my helpful insights and experiences.

These spiritual truths will guard you against the ditches, mud, dirt, and sideshows of dating, saving you and the women you meet time, trouble, and heartache. To understand how these biblical principles operate, consider how the staff in a bowling alley might raise bumper rails for young and inexperienced bowlers to keep their balls from going into the gutter. The steps in this book should serve as bumper rails for you.

It’s great that we can now be of the same intention as others looking strictly to find a spouse online. Make the beautiful dating app helpful, a tool.

We agree that God knows what’s best for us, right? Let’s take a gander into God’s design, his plan.

My story

I’ve always been interested in marriage, and I’m a believer. Now I’m even more of a believer. Why? In 2017, I decided to attempt to find my wife using not my understanding but God’s ways. Where did I look? Where did I go to find her? A dating app. Dating apps were starting to get a more trustworthy reputation. To get a more reliable reputation. I was frustrated with the looking-here-and-there approach, so I decided to focus on a dating app to find her, as it offered a way to date that would save me time but not shortcuts. The way I was dating previously was a waste of time. My behaviors during dating back then were casual and uncommitted at best, unfocused dead ends. Then my relationship with the Lord started to grow, and I decided to date his way. The Red Sea parted.

So here we are. I decided to write this book to help and even coach men through their journey to marriage. Fellas, you may need some encouragement as you navigate the road of dating in the digital age, and that’s OK.

As for me, I was a guy who always looked at the outside appearance of a woman. I gave it the most weight in evaluating that person for a potential relationship. The lady had to have a specific skin tone, height, and the right hair length. These were very shallow criteria, as you can discern. My old views were that if I could find a woman whose looks attracted me, I could work to change the inside stuff I didn’t like. Another perspective I had was that sex had to be off the charts; the truth is we shouldn’t have been having sex before marriage. I cringe as I recall those old views now. My actions came from the lust of the eyes and flesh. People in relationships on this level only use each other.

Magazines and videos filled my mind with how they wanted me to think about the opposite sex. I was caught in the culture of the world. I had it wrong. I was shackled, chained deep with others’ perspectives. I was being filled, like a dumpster, with trash, not the truth.

So, where do we find this truth? We all need reality, and where better to get it than from the manufacturer of it all, our creator. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

I had an earthly father, but he wasn’t the type I could go to for advice. He was trying to get it right himself and survive. I never felt that I could go to him for life wisdom. He didn’t live in the household and never married my mother. I didn’t have a model of how a successful marriage should be or what made up healthy relationships. I didn’t have principles or precepts to draw from or a successful couple to emulate growing up and into adulthood.

Where have you been getting your guidance from?

So, where do teens and young men in this situation get their learning? Their peers. The problem is that most of my friends had the same knowledge as me and came from the same brokenness.

I cringe again at the misinformation passed along blindly, doing more damage than good through the years of friendship. The talk about the opposite sex and relationships was typical guy stuff-notches on your headboard, with no bona fide substance, not one ounce of godly wisdom anywhere to be found. I’m glad most of us eventually got it right, but there was so much time wasted, at least on my part.

So, where do we start to get the correct information? We gain knowledge and wisdom on dating from trusted sources- those in successful marriages. Then there is the first place to seek: our guide, Jesus. He is the light of the world. He is our moral compass. “I am the way, truth, and life; no one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14: 6 AMP)

Slowly, by the grace of God and with his divine assistance, I became aware of the errors in my thinking. I could see clearly that my behaviors and thoughts toward women weren’t true or righteous. They were selfish and not selfless. A change started, and a shift began to happen in my consciousness. It didn’t happen overnight, but I knew I was now on the right track.

Taking sex off the table

Along the way, though, even when I thought I was ready, I wasn’t. Few unsuccessful relationships brought heartache and lessons. Learning from my mistakes and wrong approaches led me to my wife.

What is the one thing that causes the most problems in dating and relationships before marriage? Sex. It can complicate every area of your life outside of marriage. Why? First, sex clouds your perceptions and blinds you to the essential character traits of your partner. Second, sex before the wedding takes you further away from your goal of marriage rather than closer. I abstained from sex for over a year.

Quick sidebar on one of the clues dropped by my wonderful wife that showed me she might be the one. We were not together in person but planning a camping trip on the phone. At this point in my journey, I had already made a vow of abstinence until marriage, and my future said as we were planning the trip camping that she would come up to the campsite for the day, but she would not spend the night. Ding, ding, ding!

Now I’m on a journey to help and coach guys to become their best selves for themselves and their future spouses. There is hope no matter what stage of life you are in.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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Photo credit: Derrick McQueen