The #1 Lesson I Learned From My Break-up…

Have you ever been in a phase of your life, where you have been the happiest, felt the lightest and your heart was full of new hope and love, and yet, you felt so much anger and disappointment and frustration, mostly with yourself?

Sounds very confusing, I know. I was just recently in that phase.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 5 months ago, the first thing I felt was a relief and complete lightness. However, my overthinking nature soon took over and I replayed our last conversation over and over again in my head and I felt confused, betrayed and angry. Yes, I initiated the break-up, however, he said some things that evening that gave me the impression that he was not fully committed to the relationship for the past few months. Whereas, I was determined to make it work, until the last moment when my heart couldn’t take the pain and frustration anymore — which was two days before I broke up with him.

The following few weeks, I kept thinking back to the 16 months we spent together and saw all of the red flags so very clearly. Not that I didn’t see them before, but at the time I was more generous with my patience, and my forgiveness and gave him all the benefit of the doubt. However, post-break, this quickly turned into a constant feeling of anger, sadness and frustration towards him. How dare he promise me things, he never intended to deliver? How dare he say he is “all in” only to shut me out emotionally? How dare he convince me to give my heart and soul to him, only to treat it like it isn’t the most precious thing that he ever had?

And that was when the realisation hit — and it hit me hard and knocked me down. I realised that all this time, the anger, the sadness and frustration that I felt wasn’t towards him — but towards myself. I was angry at myself for putting up with his shit for too long. I was angry at myself for ignoring my gut feelings and instincts. I was sad because I started to not be 100% myself around him and I allowed him to inspire that change in me. I was frustrated because I tolerated behaviours from him that I would never tolerate otherwise — I wasn’t being true to myself, true to who I had become in the past few years. I was disappointed in myself, because, at some point in the relationship, I stopped treating my heart and soul like it is the most precious thing to me.

It took me years of effort to unlearn certain beliefs I was raised with and reinvent myself into the person I am today. So I was angry at myself for ignoring my deepest instincts, just to protect the ego of a man I called my boyfriend. Someone who convinced me that he is in this relationship for life, even though his actions did not reflect his words. I don’t blame him though. I don’t think he realised what it takes to be my life partner. But I did, and if I am honest with myself, I knew it deep down that he did not have what it takes to be my life partner a long time ago. But I stayed in the relationship and tried to make it work and I blame myself, for not ending it sooner and saving both of us a lot of pain.

So I realised, to fully move on and get closure, it’s not him who I need to forgive. It’s myself. I needed to forgive myself for ignoring my instincts. I needed to forgive myself for not being true to myself. I needed to forgive myself for being too naive. But most importantly, I needed to forgive myself for attracting him into my life in the first place.

Dearest readers, as you might already know, forgiving oneself is not an easy task. We are our harshest critics and we are the hardest on ourselves than anyone else on this planet. So, it took me weeks to get to gain some perspective, make some much-needed realisation and fully kick start my healing journey. And it all started with me being more kind to myself. I am still on that journey — it may take me another few weeks, months or even a few years to completely heal and fully move on. However, I am here today to share a few things that I have learned so far in my healing journey.

1. Write down 5 positive things that you learned from it.

Whenever I felt like my anger was starting to get the best of me and ruin my mood, I sat down, took a pen and paper and wrote down the positive things I gained and learned from my relationship with my ex. I learned that I was capable of loving someone so deeply to an extent that I initially thought impossible. I learned what I need from a relationship, things that I initially thought weren’t so important. I also learned what my boundaries are and how to communicate them firmly, yet lovingly. But my biggest learning was the importance of communication in a relationship — communicate openly, communicate often and communicate respectfully about the good, the bad, the happy and the uncomfortable things. That is the biggest factor in a successful relationship.

Writing these things down, helped me to bring my head back into that positive mindset and reset my mood. After all, we are all here to learn from our experiences and become a better version of ourselves through them. So, I don’t regret my relationship with him, and whenever I tend to forget that, writing it down helps me remember it.

2. Take deep breaths, whenever you feel that anger or sadness creeping back in.

I used to feel random spells of anger and sadness in the first few weeks after the break. It used to come up in the least favourable moments, such as when I was driving, travelling by bus, or walking back home from grocery shopping. Moments where I could very hardly use the first tip, that I mentioned above. So, instead of dropping everything and reaching for a pen and paper, I took deep breaths and focused on them. I focused on how I felt when the air fill my lungs, held it in for a second and let it all out and focused on how it felt when the carbon dioxide left my body. I took up the habit of consciously taking deep breaths in and out solely through the nose. It helped me stay in the present, connect with my body and remind myself that I was alive and healthy and a better version of myself today than I was 5 months ago.

3. Say 5 things for which you are truly grateful. Say them out loud.

Another method that helped me to bring my head and heart back into that positive mindset was to say out loud at least 5 things that I am truly grateful for. The first and foremost thing on that list of mine was my mother and how I feel when I am in her arms and talking to her. That instantly reminds me how truly loved I am, which is an easy way to fill your heart and head with loads and loads of positivity.

So whenever you feel any form of negative thoughts starting to plague your mind, think of at least 5 things you are grateful for. It will remind you how blessed and loved you are and help you tackle those negative thoughts like Hercules tackled the Nemean Lion.

4. Take a hot shower.

Or a cold one. Whichever you prefer. I realised that any sadness or anger I felt towards the evening was the strongest because I was tired or had a long exhausting day. So, taking a hot shower and focusing on how the hot water felt on my body, helped me physically relax, ease up any tensions that I have in my shoulders and back and help me let go of any negative thoughts or emotions that I am feeling from the day. The feeling of water flowing down my body always felt like it was washing away not only the tiredness from the day but also my sorrows and frustrations.

5. Move that body.

Shake that booty and move that body. Dance, exercise, do yoga or even masturbate. Anything to get your heart rate up, help your feel connected to your physical self and remind yourself that you are alive and breathing!

I started working out regularly after my break-up. This helped me to channel my frustrations into my workouts and I have always felt so much better and lighter after a 30-minute session — may it be strength training, cardio, or yoga. I also started randomly dancing more often — while cooking, cleaning, and taking a shower. And yes, I started masturbating on a daily basis. All these helped me feel more connected to my body, connected to my soul and inspired me to be unapologetically myself. Now isn’t that what we all want by the end of the day!

All these little practise and mantras remind me that I am human and here to live and to learn from my experiences — the good and the bad, and to be a better version of myself each and every day. It has helped me massively on my healing journey so far and I know I still have a long way to go and will learn a lot more along the way. But for now, I am happy with where I am presently and the direction that I am headed.

I hope this will inspire you in your own journey too!

All the best! I am rooting for you!

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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