Gay Sex Worker Finds Confidence in Himself & His Work. “What Is There To Be Ashamed Of?” [Video]

My name is Tomik Dash. I  am from Brooklyn, New York.

Nine years ago, I was living in London, England. I  went there on the plan to be there for two weeks.

All these things started happening that  made it feel like I was supposed to stay.

I found an apartment. I found a job in a  salon and I ended up staying for six months.

The salon I was working in, it wasn’t like a  salon where you walk in and you’re just busy

right off the jump. It was kind of  like, you have to build your clientele.

And so I needed money and I began doing sex work.

At the time in the salon, right from when I  started working there, I met this beautiful boy

and we started dating really quickly and we  fell in love really quickly and this was the

first relationship that I was in, where I  was doing sex work at the time and I was

really kind of self-conscious about  disclosing that to him, so I didn’t.

As time went on, he found out. And the way he  found out was because he went through my phone.

And I just basically told him everything. I told  him the reason that I was doing it. I told him

how much I was enjoying the  benefits I was reaping from it,

so much to the extent that I  actually wanted to quit the salon.

He was just very self-conscious about me quitting  the salon because he lived with his family and

he’s like, “Well, what will they think if  you’re here and you’re not working? Like

how are you making money? What am I going  to tell them? I can’t tell them that.”

So I really stayed at the salon for him.

Being in London made me realize, I think I want  to move to New York. We had discussed it and

decided to move to New York together. I kind of  went there first and kind of found the apartment

and got everything set up. The room was $1,800  and a three bedroom apartment. We were meant to

be splitting it and he wasn’t really making enough  money to split it. Found a job at a salon. That

still wasn’t enough to cover $1,800 on my own,  so I was supplementing it with sex work again.

That relationship ended up  dissolving, not because of that,

but there was a lot of lessons  learned from that, for sure.

After that breakup, I ended up meeting another guy  and we started dating and I also did not disclose

to him what I was doing. We were together  for almost a year and… similar situation,

I was asleep and a notification popped  up on my phone and he read it and

he never said anything about it. Towards the  end of our relationship, we were having…

our thing was issues with communication. As  that came to a head, he brought up that he knew

what I was doing and just asked me. He was like,  “Well, why didn’t you tell me?” But that point,

the relationship was ending and we  broke up and I got into therapy.

One of the things that I really wanted  to focus on was my shame around what

I was doing. My therapist was like, “Why  do you feel that way?” They’re like, “You

live in New York City, which is a very hard city  for people to live in. Everybody doesn’t make it.

You pay all of your own bills. You keep a roof  over your head. You are taking care of yourself.

What is there to be ashamed of?” And kind of like  focusing on that and really thinking about how

they were right. Therapy was very helpful  because once I got into the next relationship,

I had a lot more confidence.

I met this guy who I was catching feelings  for and I remember, probably a weekend, like

just in text messages, I was just like, “Hey,  I want to tell you something. I escort.” And he

sent me a message back and he was just like, “Wow.  Thank you for telling me. That’s not a big deal to

me. And also by the way, I am HIV positive.” So  it was kind of like a way for him to disclose

something as well and it’s kind of like… I was  like, okay, now we both have our cards on the

table and it feels really good kind of going into  something with open communication and honesty.

That relationship lasted for about two  years. So halfway through that relationship,

while I was still in therapy, I decided  that I wanted to start a podcast

and I wanted the podcast to be about sex  work. It’s actually called “Sex Werrrk!” The

podcast premise was basically me providing an  opportunity for people who don’t have any kind

of experience or interaction with sex workers,  to get a glimpse of who we are, what we do, and

it was also an opportunity for other sex workers  to listen and be able to feel like you have peers.

I remember after I released  the very first episode,

I get a phone call from my mom and she’s like,  “Hey babe. I’m in the car with your godfather and

we just listened to your first episode  of the podcast. I’m really proud of you.”

She was like, “I didn’t know what to expect,  but it was really educational and it was really

enlightening. I’m glad that you feel strong  enough to kind of stand in your power and do

that.” I remember feeling if she doesn’t care, I  really don’t give a fuck what anybody else thinks.

So today I am the president of a nonprofit  organization out of Fire Island that advocates

for racial and transgender equity in Fire  Island Pines and Cherry Grove. It’s called

BaBEC, which is the Black and Brown Equity  Coalition. Also, I am the publisher of a regional

LGBTQ Fine Art Magazine that goes out in Fire  Island and in Provincetown in the summertime.

They are called Fag Rag Fire Island and Fag Rag  Provincetown. I still do sex work to support that.

Just looking back from where I started with kind  of being very ashamed and being like doing this

whole thing, like clandestinely and in the shadows  almost, and not having anyone to talk to about it,

to being completely open about it and  proud about it, is just a nice kind of arc.