The stats will tell you that the people who get married within a year of knowing each other, have higher divorce rates. Amongst other factors is the age of the people getting married, age difference and ofcourse, if this is your 2nd marriage, you also have greater odds of being divorced.
I want to explore these stats and tell you, why I decided to marry quickly and go against each one of these stats.
I became divorced after being married for 10 years on Oct 7th, 2020. It was 17 years total in the relationship. I tried to remember one year that was good without drama, and conflict and I couldn’t. I accept the blame for the first 12 years. I accept the blame for dating a woman almost 11 years younger. Like many young men, I was about my respect and went about it the wrong way. In the end, I learned many valuable lessons.
- The song and saying, Age Ain’t Nothin But a Number is a lie, because maturity matters.
- Respect is earned and is not automatic.
- If you get divorced, why hire an attorney when your going to get screwed anyway. (From the male perspective anyway, so save 10k)
I learned many other things. In the end, marriage comes with the risk of divorce, as love comes with the risk of a broken heart. If you go for the goal and lose, you will pay dearly. If you don’t take the risk, you can also pay dearly or you can play it safe and settle for less. I will say, “Less” means, less companionship, less help, and less love and the list goes on.
I said all this to get to the stats against me and why I decided to take the risk, to get married within 90 days of meeting my wife.
The Stats Say, I’m a fool!
The Age Gap Study. There was a study done back in 2014 by Andrew Francis and Hugo Mialon, professors in the Department of Economics at Emory University in Atlanta, evaluating the association between wedding spending and marriage duration. (The odds will also be against me on that) Another student of Michigan State University, Randal Olson crunched data from that study and found that a larger age gap is related to a higher divorce rate.
Me and my wife have a age difference of 16.9 years.
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A 2015 study in the journal Economic Inquiry found that that couples who dated for 1 to 2 years were 20% less likely to later get a divorce than those who dated less than a year. Couples who dated for 3 years or longer were 39% less likely to divorce, than couples who dated less than a year. A 2006 doctoral thesis by psychologist Scott Randall Hansen found that the highest risk of divorce belonged to couples who got married less than six months after they began dating.
Me and my wife got married around 88–90 days after meeting online.
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The age you get married is important by the stats and the wife fell in a good category at 28 years old. Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociological researcher looked at data from a 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth, and those who wait until the ages between 25 to 29 to get married, the risk of divorce goes down to 14%, but the bad news is, it drops down to 10% if you wait until 30–34 to get married. Past the early 30’s, the odds of divorce increase by 5% per year of age.
My age at marriage was 45, so I am 50% more likely to get divorced.
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Last but not least, the divorce rate for second marriages is around 60%. I’m not a mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that puts me at around a 200% chance of getting divorced again according to the stats.
Here’s my “Why,” I got married within 90 days and don’t regret it.
To find a wife is a good thing. All the things that you learn from, are good experiences if you become better. If your divorced and you’ve learned from your errors and the other persons errors, and you have the intention of doing something different, then you didn’t waste time. It was part of a learning experience. Yes, you failed. As long as you can look in the mirror and accept your part in this and be a better version of yourself, there is not a reason to punish yourself by staying single.
At the age of 45, I looked back at my life. It wasn’t a mid life crisis, but seriously at the half way point, I thought, “Have I ever been happy and could I be, knowing what I know now?” After a few dating experiences after the divorce, I knew I was never the guy who would date for pleasure and fun without making a committment, so why start now?
Last time I got married, it wasn’t because I was in love. We put each other through hell and we had a kid together. I felt like I was doing what was right. This time there was a spiritual connection. Have you ever heard the saying, “The family that prays together, stays together?” I’m sure that isn’t a 100% thing and I know it’s not everyones thing , but I will take this over the other stats that are against us. This was the biggest reason why, besides her being beautiful and accepting my past, as I did hers.
In the end, knowing what I know now, even with the odds against me, I’m almost 2 years in and not everyday is perfect, but I can finally say, I have been consistenly happy for over a year and even more important, it is still about making her happy more than myself. If I can make that 10 or 20 years, then it was worth the risk.
If you find it stupid or risky, your entitled to your opinion, but I hope you see that as many stats are against you, if you find that person that has the things you desire most in common, and maybe the one thing you desired most and you both are ready to jump into the water and swim, then do it! But also know, that you worked on the person in the mirror, and your not going to make it about you, as much as your going to make it about them.
I hope this was amusing. If you want to follow us, we have a channel on Youtube called The Spenglish Life.
Resources: The graph and stats on age gap difference and divorce. https://www.marketwatch.com/story/the-bigger-the-age-gap-the-shorter-the-marriage-2014-11-11 by Quentin Fottrell
Resources: The stats on do marriages last longer if they dated longer. https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/do-marriages-last-longer-if-the-couple-dated-longer-first.html by Cari Romm
Resources: The stats on the age that you get married in relation to likelyhood of divorce. https://ifstudies.org/blog/want-to-avoid-divorce-wait-to-get-married-but-not-too-long by Nicholas H. Wolfinger
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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