What Makes a Long-Term Relationship Truly Healthy

In my early 20s, I had a couple living next door who wanted to kill each other every other day.

I wish I was exaggerating.

They’ve been together for years, it’s all great on paper. They’re also good at pretending that they get along so well at social gatherings.

But on the inside, they couldn’t even stand each other’s presence.

Their relationship has taught me that being in a long-term relationship doesn’t mean you’re in a healthy relationship.

Most times people stay in one because they have to, not because they want to.

So what makes a long-term relationship actually healthy? Here are some signs.

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They might fight over the same thing but they also know how to fight fair

It’s no secret that a healthy couple in a long-term relationship knows how to fight. They don’t just argue with each other when there’s a disagreement, they also stop and talk about a solution.

But what’s more important than it all is, they listen.

In his book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, Gottman states that couples who last long are those who can listen to each other even during heated arguments.

Of course, this isn’t easy to do.

Especially when you believe deep down it’s your partner’s fault. But pointing the finger in a relationship is the worst idea.

Sure, you can win and feel good that you’ve proved your partner wrong. But it costs new resentment and over time if it happens again and again, you might lose the connection altogether.

So when you find you both keep fighting with no end solution, maybe it’s a sign of incompatibility and something has to change to break the current dynamic.

They constantly develop healthy habits together

Couples in long-term relationships are always keen to help each other grow. They don’t just sit there and wait for the other person to change for the better.

One thing I notice from these couples is that they actually develop healthy habits together.

Here are some examples:

Going for a walk every evening around the block
Scheduling 45minutes a week just to check up on each other and reconnect
Going grocery shopping and cooking dinner together
Reading a book together before sleep
Reminding each other to not have too much sugar

These habits might sound like a small thing and most of you have probably done them. But they do count on making the connection stronger.

Love isn’t enough to keep a relationship lasting long. Being each other’s best friend is also a huge factor.

You’ll be surprised how many couples out there don’t actually like others. They hate every little thing their partner does.

They never do things together anymore. They feel irritated just being around their partner. Yet they stay because they think they “love” them.

Things like that don’t make sense but of course, if you’re looking at it from the outside, that’s how long-term relationships operate. But it’s just untrue.

No wonder young people now think being in one means you’ll have a boring life.

Couple therapy isn’t just for those who are broken

Couples in long-term relationships aren’t ashamed of asking for help from the outside. They don’t always know how to handle certain situations.

Many people sadly think that going to a couple of therapy means you’re screwed. And they don’t like that feeling. They want to fix whatever happening in their relationship on their own.

But what happens next is usually they end up destroying it.

If you don’t know how to have a fair fight yet you refuse to learn it, then the relationship is going to stay toxic.

Long-term couples who are in a healthy relationship aren’t necessarily perfect for each other. They embrace each other flaws but are also willing to work on them.

A true definition of a healthy long-term relationship

When people hear about a healthy long-term relationship, most of them think it’s that one couple who never fights. Or simply a couple who are in love all the time.

But it’s far from the truth.

They still fight. They might argue about the same thing for years. They don’t always like each other. And some days, they just want to be on their own.

We need to stop romanticizing what a healthy relationship actually looks like. It’s not always romantic and definitely far from what Instagram has shown us.

Couples in healthy long-term relationships are those who are consistent in putting in the effort every day. Some days can feel magical and other days feel stagnant.

But they embrace it all. Because they know it’s worth it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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