Two Years and No Feelings, What Is Wrong with Him?!

Before I start with him, I want to blame myself.

I’m a simple-minded crazy for love type of girl, who rarely got true love.

I started dating guys when I was 16 and all along I did my best to keep things going. did I make mistakes? absolutely! I had no one to guide me. my parents banned me from having boyfriends with religious views and I had to learn things all on my own.

I made a lot of sacrifices to keep my men a bit longer and that’s so far my biggest flaw in a relationship. I give too much to receive a tiny bit of love that makes me survive. I bet that’s okay as a girl who never received love even from her parents but the way men treated me caused some problems every now and then.

After all, I gave to men in relationships I barely received any. I have no point in my life that I can feel I’ve reached there thanks to my man. I was all on my own and in fact, a man’s presence in so many ways brought me down for their demanding manipulating behaviors.

They somehow found a way to knock me down and make me disappointed in man, again;

For a little while…

…

I started dating this new guy two years ago. we found each other on social media during the early pandemic time when there was no cure found yet and everybody was scared of making physical contact.

I was warned before not to date Turkish men. in my country they don’t have a good reputation. they’re known to be cheaters and aggressive in their relationships.

Regardless, we found each other and started dating. not gonna lie we were both craving human contact. I needed some male support after all I’ve been through to survive an uninvited migration and he was going through a tough time in many ways too.

These and many other reasons made us rush things fast. we ended up naked in bed sooner than expected.

He was single for about a year and I was single for years, this is why we accelerated things a little bit.

Once our desires got less and we came back to our senses, we started exploring each other’s personalities. it was the time that we figured out how different we are despite the intimate bond we have.

We bonded sooner than usual while we needed more time to know each other. I’ve got to tell you that I’m terrible at the bonding stage. I completely get blind and due to my low self-esteem, I do everything to keep my man around.

And I did.

I gave him a lot again because I didn’t want to get hurt one more time. being in my late 20s I had fewer expectations but he made me regret it. this time I hurt myself for giving him too much as well.

I no longer wanted to make sacrifices and feel sorry all the time. I didn’t want to fix things on my own anymore. so even if took me hiding my phone away so I won’t rush sending the “I’m sorry” message, I did. but I wasn’t strong enough around him. he always acted like a submissive partner because he had no feelings.

He kept saying how he hates feelings because of his emotional background. to me, it sounded selfish. he was sabotaging both of us for the love and trust that we deserved but that wasn’t his problem. he never found women reliable for any affection and that hit me hard when it was a little too late to discover.

I was too scared to lose him so what I had to do was move on, again. yeah, that’s me making sacrifices again.

I moved on with his weird attitude and it always felt like something is missing between us. the fact that we never had anything romantic was disturbing me in the guts.

I was aching for some slow dance, for a first kiss memory, for some hug from behind and kiss on the forehead but even holding hands was not possible if I haven’t initiated.

could it be more heartbreaking than that?

I started doubting everything because he wasn’t romantic. anything he did to me seemed to be done out of pity, not of his heart. I asked him about this but he gave me no straight answer. I wanted a clue to shut down my overthinking brain but it seemed like he didn’t want to open up anything to me.

I don’t know who hurt him in his past, but he literally shut down his emotions;

Something I really needed.

…

There was a time that we were having fewer problems and I was feeling hopeful again. then I started to give too much again. in my desperate mind, I was thinking maybe he wants me to take the lead of having feelings and he will follow me. a couple of times he carefully discussed how having feelings is a feminine thing.

I worked hard to be the source of feelings in an emotionless relationship. I took baby steps to not scare him away but no matter what I did, he was sort of uncomfortable. nothing seemed to get to his heart. it was like a forbidden castle with an army on defense. I failed to find a way in, I was literally not allowed.

This was a harsh stage of our relationship for me. the more I pulled him closer, the more he pulled me away. it was the time that we started seeing each other once a month despite the little distance between us, I had to stop before things get more complicated.

I had to stop all I dreamed for that I built myself. no more goodbye kisses, hugs are fine. no more checking up on each other, he will call me when he’s free. no more wishful dreams about the future even if he says he has plans because he can cancel them anytime, “he’s just casually dating” (he said it just like that), and no more prolonged stares at bouquets and romantic gifts out of regret, because I’d never get one.

It’s been two and a half years that we’re together and what is left of us is a broken trust on both sides and a lot of bridges burnt behind.

His lack of expression doesn’t allow any of us to open up to each other for %100 but he doesn’t understand how vital that is. he also doesn’t understand that I’m tired of asking men for some bare minimum rights I deserve in a relationship.

I shouldn’t fight for something so basic. I deserve better!

I decided to shut down my feelings. I’ve become quieter and more indifferent. I’m done working on something that can’t be repaired. but he doesn’t like that either.

He just thinks I’m hiding something when I’m quiet. I am! but it’s not what he thinks! he thinks I might be dating another guy to satisfy my emotional support. he knows he’s doing wrong but instead of making it right, he becomes skeptical.

He doesn’t know, and will never know that I’m hiding nothing more than the damage he’s done. throughout my life whenever I opened up about a man’s own mistakes, they blamed me for it or used those expressions against me.

I don’t want that anymore. so I’m keeping things inside.

I’m hiding my feelings for him and I’m fighting so hard for them because I don’t want him to be the next man who breaks my heart again, he has no feelings and he’s capable of anything.

He’s a dangerous man!

…

I miss our early days when things were better and when we could see some hope in each other. perhaps he was pretending or he changed for a reason I don’t know about. anyway, this is his real side now that hasn’t changed for over two years.

It’s killing me to be in a situation like this. I don’t come from a background where women are treated right at all. but I still know that there are some basic things a woman should have in a relationship — that he thinks are Hollywood movie expectations! — and if two years haven’t been enough to provide that, then I cannot waste more of my precious life on a broken record…

No woman deserves to beg for loyalty, for some true love, or for some commitment. no woman deserves to fight for securing her territory in a relationship. it has to come naturally and with the support of each other.

I’m tired of being the giver one, the hardworking sacrifice-making one, and this time, I blame him. I was ready to leave all my trauma behind and give him the love he deserves but he denied that.

So day by day, I shoved a knife in my heart and killed the love I had for him so it doesn’t hurt when he stabs me in the heart with his cold emotion-free behavior.

However, he still managed to hurt me. my heart has been broken a couple of times so I’m just moving on from him and his crazy irrational world of rigged masculinity. perhaps this time I move on from all men and that’s how I feel.

I’m just disappointed in all men. I expected one of the dozens of relationships I had to work and I don’t have to deal with confusing situations in my early 30s.

My 30s is the time I always imagined myself in a mature relationship and based on my not-so-good history of men who drained me, I have no energy left to give them another chance.

It could be because I’m a weirdo magnet or I fall for men easily. whatever that is, I don’t have any patience left to examine it. I spent the last bits of my tolerance on this relationship and I’m not going to do more.

From now on, everything depends on him. I’m making new business plans right now that will most likely require moving to a different city. he says I won’t survive without him, but I’m going to prove him wrong and for that, I’m going to improve my life all on my own.

No more men, no more trouble!

Perhaps I stay alone for the rest of my life and prevent myself from dating by living a spoiled life having Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers” on the loop.

I want to shape everything in a way that I’d never ever need a man in my contacts list or my household so I can finally feel how I’m better off without them and most importantly, he finally realizes that he was just a helpful person, not a god!

if his arrogance allows him to…!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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