Henna wasn’t always much of a talker. She is the type that will listen to you and make sense of everything you say no matter how silly they sound.
I admire her poise. Just like her name, her compassion, and her meek and humble nature makes her the epitome of womanhood. Although, she’s a bit of a mystery to those who don’t know her.
We’ve been friends for twenty years, but our relationship has been a long distant one since we left high school.
However, we talk more often than most of my friends around. Just recently, while we were talking about the past, our chat moved from crushes from high school to our children, then our love lives.
Suddenly, the line went quiet. Henna broke down crying. It was as if she couldn’t control her emotions anymore. My friend has always been a cheery person and she never shared any worries with me, except for her children’s mischief.
I tried to console her. I told her it was okay to let out her problems to me. God knows she’s a strong backbone for me when need a friend.
I let her cry while my head was spinning as to what was making her heart heavy. My perfect dutiful wife and friend needed a shoulder so I lent her mine.
That night I felt my range take over me after hearing what she said. Her husband was having an affair with his long time ex-girlfriend.
She had welcomed the women into her home because he said they were besties. She became friends with the woman to avoid being that jealous wife who detects who her husband should be friends with or not.
They’ve kept the affair coordinated and left no footprints that could have been traced back to them.
“How did you find out?” I inquired.
I don’t know her husband too well only what Henna told me of him. I was of the impression that whoever Henna chose must be deserving of her because she was wise and smart with her choice of men.
She found out through a friend who bumped into her Husband and his supposed bestie at a restaurant close to Rockefeller Plaza (about 25 miles from where they live). Her husband didn’t know she was friends with the woman who saw them so he had no idea Henna knew what was going on.
Henna didn’t believe it at first, but her friend had no reason to lie to her.
They have been married for thirteen years and dated a year before getting married. She was shocked to discover her husband had lied to her all these years.
She decided she needed concrete proof before confronting her husband. She kept her discoveries to herself.
She looked into her husband’s personal financial records and discovered expenses made from luxury stores, spa bookings, and flight trips she never had and wasn’t aware of.
She never suspected her husband could be so conniving and deceitful to keep such secrets from her. She found out the affair started around the time she had her second baby, three years into their marriage.
That was when the woman moved into their state. She also found receipts of their recent trip to San Diego, the same date as their anniversary. Her husband has been paying the woman’s rent since she moved into their town and she had no idea.
Henna was broken. She was confused. She doesn’t know if she should confront her husband with the truth. That will mean walking away from the marriage. Or if she should keep the secret hidden and pretend she is cool with the affair.
Confronting a cheating partner is painful, but necessary.
I tried to put myself in her shoes. From all angles, I knew I wasn’t going to continue making a full of myself and I told her so.
Eventually, she will need to set her fears aside and have a one-on-one conversation with her husband. Either she does that or she will live the rest of her life in pain — suffering inside every time she sees her husband with his mistress.
As much as I wanted to comfort my friend, I also wanted her to make a decision she will not regret. Confronting a cheating partner can be treacherous. Most relationships do not recover from such betrayal.
But if it were me, if I discover that the man I married has been lying to my face, I will confront him so I can begin my healing process. I see no point in stretching lies and deceit when I’m hurting by them.
Why did your husband cheat if he loves you?
Too many questions run through the mind of a cheated spouse. And they can’t turn it off until they have gotten their answers.
First, you begin with the curious questions, “Does he love her more than you?” “Why hasn’t he filed for a divorce?” “Why keep the affair a secret for years if he’s happier with her?”
“Where did you go wrong?” “What is he not getting from the marriage?” “Doesn’t he love you anymore?” “When did he realize he still loved his ex?”
And then you move to the guilt trip to justify the affair. You think you did something to throw him into another woman’s arms.
You ask yourself “if you have been a good wife?” “Maybe he hates how I make his favorite dish?” “I shouldn’t have argued with him when he complained about blah blah blah?”
“Maybe I don’t satisfy him sexually?” “Is it that I haven’t been paying attention to his personal needs?”
But no matter how many times you interrogate yourself, the answer is not in your head until you’ve heard from the culprit himself.
That night as Henna rambled on the million questions sprawling across her mind, I told her I couldn’t explain why her husband cheated on her. She was trying to justify his action and that will only hurt her even more.
She’s only 39. She has a full life ahead of her. She doesn’t deserve a man who plays on her emotions. No one does. Let alone defend his actions.
I can understand if he had a brief affair for a month or two, but as a married person, keeping an affair for more than a year is just not acceptable.
So instead of torturing yourself with questions that make no sense, the best thing you can do is accept the reality in front of you. And make up your mind whether to stay or leave.
Can you forgive your cheating husband?
Cheating shakes the foundation of a relationship. It’s very difficult to forgive someone who cheated on you multiple times, but not impossible. It will take time and effort to fix a broken relationship, and both of you will have to keep trying.
When we speak of forgiveness we often assume we are doing it for someone else. But no.
Forgiveness is for your peace. Unless you want the person who broke your trust to continue to hold your life in their palm, then set yourself free by forgiving them and… yourself.
You need to forgive even if you don’t forget. Because human memory takes a record of every experience and stores it for a long time, you may never forget the cheating experience.
Forgiving them doesn’t mean the pain will go away. No! You will need to work on that. However, when you let go of the pain burning in your heart, fresh energy flows inside you. You become optimistic about the next chapter of your life.
First, the cheater will have to quit the affair if he’s remorseful about his actions. Then you need to access how the relationship was before the affair. Were you happy but you suspected something was off about him? Or have there been previous grievances that weren’t resolved?
After you’ve done your assessment, it’s time to decide if the relationship is worth saving. I know some people are quick to tap the divorce button, but sometimes, an affair can reveal other sides to a couple they can bring into the relationship and make it better.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened, it was not your fault. Your husband is a full-grown man and he knew what he was getting himself into. He knew the truth will hurt you that’s why he kept the affair a secret.
And don’t be in a rush to make a decision. If you live together with your husband, ask him to move out — to give you space to process the situation. You need to be by yourself to rebuild the part of you that is broken by the betrayal.
Besides, you have other options like ‘ethical non-monogamous’ relationships (ENM) if you also want to explore your freedom like your husband did. Loyalty and commitment in marriage should not be expected of women alone.
But if you decide to stay monogamous, be prepared to change. You must understand that the old relationship you had is gone. A new one has begun and you will need to meet your husband halfway to patch things up.
It will be a tedious journey but you are strong to go through the process because you are courageous to give your man a second chance after everything he put you through.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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