3 Keys to a Deeper Connection with Others

I was talking to a friend a few days ago when he told me that I have what he thought of as an admirable social intellect. He told me that this showed especially a while ago before I chose to become more of an observer in social contexts instead of actively contributing to them. By social intellect, he meant an ability to easily forge deep connections with others, whether they’re new fellows or friends I’ve had for a while. He was trying to highlight that it’s always been one of my strengths and that he’s wondering why I gave up on embracing it and became more socially withdrawn instead. I wondered, too.

This had me thinking of the number of times I got called a curious cat for asking too many questions and wanting to know more. Maybe it made people feel like their privacy is being invaded, I thought. “No one is interested in the questions you ask”, my ex-boyfriend also bluntly told me back then. He claimed on top of that that I miss out on important social cues by being focused on getting an answer. Was I, really?

Frankly, I thought I needed to change something back then. I didn’t want to make people feel uncomfortable in my presence. Over time, this has led me to become merely a listener with minimal contribution to the conversation. The curious cat in me was still alive, but it had to be silenced.

Little did I know that people actually did very much enjoy what I had to bring to the table. My friends asked me several times why I stopped posing questions that had them thinking and digging deeper into their worlds. Some of them were worried about me and thought I was going through something that made my sparkle dim. Then came that one friend at last who told me clearly that this very thing I was trying to change was actually a strength of mine.

Of course, my first thought was to write about it. I wanted to figure out what I did right to be able to do it again, and that’s exactly what this listicle is about. It’s about the keys that have allowed me to connect with others on a deeper level over the years and everything I gave up on because I doubted myself instead of asking for proper feedback.

As Brené Brown says: “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

So, what does it really take to connect to others beyond surface level? Below are 3 things that I believe help with that.

…

Curiosity

If I’ve learned anything from being a curious cat, it’s that people actually like to be asked questions. They like to talk. The only rule here is to know when and how to ask the right questions. You cannot, for instance, suddenly walk up to your colleague at work and ask them whether or not they’re happy in their current relationship. However, you can surely talk to them during lunch break about how they feel about the job and what they’re aspiring for. As one question leads to another in a way that isn’t invasive but rather curious, you signal to them that you’re actually genuinely interested in understanding them better at a pace that they are okay with. This is something you figure out as they respond to you.

Genuine curiosity is also important because it allows you to judge less and be open to learning more. Instead of being biased towards your own subjective perceptions of people, it enables you to stop projecting your own expectations onto them and creates a safe space for them to just be — to stand tall in their own authenticity. It signals that you don’t have all of the answers and are willing to leave that up to them, making them feel comfortable in your presence.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about being in the here and now. It’s about being aware of both your current thoughts, emotions and reactions as well as being attentive to other people’s attitudes, behaviors and what they say. So, instead of being self-absorbed, mindfulness actually fuels your curiosity about others, helping you recognize their different emotions and needs and allowing you to be in conscious control of your responses towards them for a better ability to connect.

Additionally, as you pay attention to the details, you draw your perceived image of the other person with more accuracy. You see, we are all potential mirrors for each other. Some of these mirrors can be very blurry and won’t reflect a true picture of the subject, while others are really rich in detail, depicting a reflection that closely resembles reality. These are the kinds of mirrors people want to look at. Similarly, people are more likely to connect with those who see their true essence.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the courage to be open to another human being. It’s daring to be yourself — unapologetically. It is being able to say: “Here I am — my flaws, my fears, my affection.” With the right people, this, in return, invites: “Oh, I see you there. It’s okay, you’re safe. And here — here’s me.” It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging — all of which are just synonyms for deeper connection.

People who dare to be vulnerable are simply people who believe they’re actually worthy of connection. This makes them more likely to move towards others — to express their love, their gratitude and their affection. Even when connection falls short, they are less likely to blame this disconnection on their “unworthiness”. They just know that there are definitely other people out there they’ll connect with.

When we’re vulnerable, we encourage others to also share their vulnerability with us. This creates a safe space for two people to get to know each other on a deeper level beyond the guards and shields that they put up to protect themselves from potential hurt. It makes way for a potential bond and a genuine connection like no other. This is because the more vulnerable we can be in the presence of another, the more connected we feel to them. This is why vulnerability is so important.

…

I’d like to express at last how happy I am to have put my thoughts about this topic into words. It has helped me recall and put before my eyes the most important tools in my opinion that have always helped me build closer connections with others. I’m now all set up for trying to do this once again with the next “right” person I meet. I’ll most likely need to work on the third point more than the other two. As I wrote about it, I realized that I’ve recently had my guard up in most of my interactions due to having been disappointed by some close friends a while back. As I’ve learned to set better boundaries for myself, though, and to keep my expectations in check, I’m ready to let those guards down once again and embrace the art of being vulnerable.

Which of these points did you find useful? Let me know your feedback in the comments below!

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***