Just Because a Man Can Afford You Doesn’t Mean He Will Value You

Growing up, my father always said one thing to his female children that none of us will ever forget. “Marry a man who can provide for you and your children,” he would say. He told us that a responsible man should not only love his wife but should provide for her as well.

My father was so convinced that our upkeep and that of our children lay in the hands of the men we marry.

At that time, it made sense to me. And that set the stage for the type of men I dated. My dating profile has been “rich, older and taller” men for as long as I remember.

In my little brain, his being rich meant my children and I won’t go hungry or beg for food. The older means he’s wiser than me and can lead his family. His height signified his strength and ability to protect.

I grew up in an average African home. My father was the sole provider. He trained my mum in school until she graduated from Teacher’s Training College and got a job. We lacked nothing and we weren’t stubborn like most children of our age.

My dad was very strict in raising us. His parents died when he was four. His uncles tried to kill him too, so he ran away from home, sold himself to slave merchants and left the village. He practically raised himself through tears and sorrows.

My dad never failed to remind us of the hardships he went through as a child and he didn’t want any of us to go through that.

The reason women are attracted to rich and successful men is a part of social construct

Most women born in the 80s and earlier, can tell how helpless they were by men when patriarchy was still deeply rooted into our society.

Feminist movements and gender equality campaigns weren’t glamorized as it is today. This was during the second wave of feminism– after the Second World War and women were forced to return to be subjugated by men.

Women had no say in their families. You dare not question what your father or husband says. Women lived in fear of men and we were dependent on them for food and safety. It’s no secret that women married for money and procreation than for love in those days.

So when my father advised on the type of men that were suitable for us, I bought his ideology. I didn’t know I had a choice to become my own provider and protector.

Over the years, through my adulthood, my ideologies have changed. I no longer depend on men and I don’t see them as a means of survival. However, my choice of men has not changed. I still date the same specs — tall, handsome, rich and older men.

The truth is, as much as I want to dispute my father’s advice, I can’t. Because after dating a series of men- both young and old, some things remain unchanged. I’ve noticed that older men are more respectful of women’s choices than younger men. The sense of entitlement I see in younger men can be infuriating.

In my experience, younger men see toxic masculine habits like arrogance, ego and selfishness- as positive traits so they perpetrate subjugation more than older men who have replaced their masculine ideologies to fit in women’s ideologies.

Also, older men think their dating pool is smaller so they are more prepared to compartmentalize in relationships than younger folks.

This does not mean there are no entitled older men. The truth is with their years of experience, seeing civilization rise and living through the horrors of totalitarians, older men are wiser and more mature than younger men.

However, women are attracted to a man’s pocket more than their age. Whether young or old, women rate a man’s worth by the weight of his salary. Even men are taking advantage of the fact that women like them better when they spend cash around.

One study found that men give more to charity when women are watching them than when men are watching. Another study discovered that men show off their wealth by spending on luxury items to impress women, but also as a contribution to the greater good of the economy.

It’s no secret women have a soft spot for nice and generous guys. The ones who help the poor and needy without asking for anything in return. And if this guy is adored in Armani and Gucci he’s attractiveness spikes up to 10.

Unfortunately, wealth doesn’t signify good morals

Most women would go for a rich man over a handsome and intelligent poor man. They want men with plastic money who can buy them a Ferrari at the snap of their fingers. They want a man who can afford their expenses at Barney and spa massages at a five-star hotel.

Women often mistake what they want for what they need. They think riches make them happy so they seek out men with wealth. However, some women are beginning to realize that money doesn’t buy happiness.

Being successful and rich doesn’t mean he has the moral capacity to treat you nicely. I mean which sensible woman would be happy being with Donald Trump?

Lately, I have become Nancy Drew to my single lady friends. Even some of my married female friends think I’m best suited to advise them on how to make their husbands love them.

I’m getting sick of women complaining about their horrible male partners. And when I look into their relationships is always more of a one-sided love. The woman is committed and tolerant while the men just provide financial means for their comfort.

These women are miserably settling for no-good grown-ass men. I’m not saying I’m perfect, nor are my immune to horrible dates. However, I do know when and how to enforce my boundaries.

While it may seem like a safe bet to bid on rich and handsome men, women must learn to say “no” to the immature ones who won’t respect their values.

If he’s creepy, shamelessly self-absorbed or a glorified arrogant punk, be careful when accepting a second. He may be rich, but soon you will realize that your mental health paid a bigger price. The worst thing a woman can do to herself is to stay in a relationship that destroys her dignity and self-esteem.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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