How to Establish Boundaries When Your Partner Has a History of Toxic Behavior

Your relationship sucks.

It’s just unhealthy, damaging, and causing you a lot of harm in many ways even.

I’m sorry, but we both know that it’s your partner, and brushing it off because you think “they were having a bad day” or because “you’re overreacting” isn’t and won’t ever help matters.

But what if you only have one thing to do about the whole situation and experience positive changes?

What if there’s something you could do about the constant criticism, controlling behavior, lack of trust, and emotional or even physical abuse? You’ll feel less anxious, and depressed, and even have higher self-esteem after putting the situation under control, right?

Is that what you want? Good! You’ve found it. All you need to do is work towards setting ironclad boundaries that’ll protect your safety and well-being. And it begins with getting the first and most dangerous thing about toxic partners out of the way.

Understand the cyclic pattern of their behavior.

It’s very difficult to break free from the rabbit hole of a toxic relationship. A lot of people may not realize that they’re in a rabbit hole until they’re well into the cycle of abuse.

They have been buried and held captive by their toxic partners that they’ve become blinded due to endless emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and other tactics that make them doubt their perceptions and experiences.

I’ve been in the relationship coaching business for years and one thing I usually notice about toxic relationships and their victims is that the cyclic pattern of abuse can feel like a rabbit hole to the victims—such that it feels like they’re been pulled in deeper and deeper—making it even more difficult to escape the cycle.

You’d be surprised by how many of them fall in love with the abusers thinking “he’s everything I want in a partner.” Of course, these toxic and abusive people often come across as charming, attentive people who always know how to make their prey fall hard for them.

I usually hear stories like: ‘He was charming and sweet that he swept me off my feet, but over time I started to see the darker side of him.’

That’s what happens when the victims begin to feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells around their partners as they’ll never know when the abusers will blow up over something so small.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who’ll just blow up over something that didn’t matter or someone that’ll just pick fights over nothing making you feel like you’re always doing something wrong, then guess what: Correct, that’s the tension-building phase of the cycle of abuse.

In this case, they’re preparing you for something even worse. It’ll suddenly feel like a switch has been flipped. You’ll be grateful to get yelled at or called names because it’ll even be uglier when you get hit or physically abused.

But just when you’d think things couldn’t get any worse, they’d switch back to the reconciliation or honeymoon phase where they’ll apologize profusely, promise to change, and even shower you with gifts and affection.

As a result, you’ll suddenly find yourself wanting to believe them, to believe they’ll change even if a better part of you feels it’s just temporary.

And if care is not taken, this cycle of abuse can run for years until you don’t know who you are anymore and have lost all sense of your self-worth.

But there’s hope because if you understand this cycle, you’ll stand a better chance of establishing ironclad boundaries that can help you deal with such a relationship.

That’s why you need to truly know what you can and what you can’t take.

This brings us to the second point.

Decide if you’re willing to condone their toxic behaviors.

You always have a choice in almost every situation you find yourself in. Even when it doesn’t seem so.

If it feels like your choices in an emotionally and mentally draining toxic relationship are limited because of certain circumstances that feel beyond your control, like your financial dependence on your partner or any other thing, there are still choices available for you.

You could work on building your financial independence and even seek help from a therapist or support group.

If you just sit down and do nothing, that’ll mean you’re in some ways, enabling the other person to continue their negative behavior. I’m saying this out of empathy and not judgment because I believe we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

You can’t control how other people behave towards you neither is it your fault if you’re stuck in a toxic relationship.

But it’s ultimately up to you to determine how you’ll react to the way others treat you. Just like it’s up to you to set clear boundaries of what you can take and what you can’t—assuming you can’t bring yourself to leave.

When you ask yourself if you’re willing to condone their toxic behaviors (because you could deal with the situation in more productive ways),

You aren’t only permitting yourself to consider the consequences of doing nothing, but you’re also acknowledging that you deserve to be treated well. And that you have a choice in how you respond to the other person’s toxic behavior.

The result? You’ll courageously confront your toxic partner about their behavior. Assertively declare your non-negotiable boundaries or what you can’t tolerate. Or even ultimately decide to quit the relationship.

That’s one big reason to always decide if you’re willing to condone terrible treatment from someone as soon as their darker sides start to surface or when you realize you’re stuck in a toxic relationship dynamic.

Because when you’ve realized how important it is to always prioritize your well-being and safety over anything else, dealing with toxic partners and relationships will be a lot easier even if you have to seek support to do it.

No is a complete sentence.

Here’s where a lot of us unwittingly make countless mistakes that could keep us stuck in a toxic relationship for years.

We can’t win against our people-pleasing selves. We simply can’t stand the thought of disappointing anyone even if it means sacrificing our own needs, wants, and happiness.

So it’ll just feel like we have no rights whatsoever to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty or obligated to explain ourselves.

Our partners’ jealousy and possessiveness which seemed like subtle signs of their love for us would suddenly become more toxic that they’d get angry if we didn’t answer their calls right away or they’d make us feel guilty for spending time with our friends and family.

But as soon as we express our displeasure with such treatments and they react angrily, argue, and maybe even plead with us, we’ll try to explain, negotiate, and eventually give in.

Or when they inconsiderately demean, dictate or control us in the worst possible ways, the thought of how they’ll react will either make us want to explain ourselves if we manage to express our displeasure toward their behavior or it’ll make us shy away from doing so completely.

At the end of the day, we’d find ourselves in difficult and unhappy relationships we have no idea how we can get out of.

The surest solution: learn to unapologetically say no. Slowly switch from a helpless people-pleaser who couldn’t afford to offend anybody to an assertive person who’ll always stand up for himself. Stand up against requests, behaviors, and treatments you aren’t comfortable with.

See, the next time your partner asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with or treats you inappropriately, take a deep breath and say no. Don’t offer any explanation or try to justify yourself. No is a complete sentence!

And you don’t need their permission to decide what is good or not for you.

I know this is easier said than done, but you have to do it for the sake of your well-being and safety. And it might not go down well with your partner, but if you stand your ground enough, they’ll respect you after realizing that you aren’t going to back down.

However, if they insist on disrespecting your boundaries no matter how hard you stand your ground or if they go overboard in trying to force you to back down either by abusing you physically or any other way, you’ll need to leave such a disaster.

You simply don’t need to conform to or tolerate things that don’t align with your values or make you uncomfortable in any relationship especially when you’re been forced to.

You deserve better than that.

Put yourself first.

At first, setting boundaries can be difficult, especially in a toxic relationship where the other person may not acknowledge or respect those boundaries.

Then when you stand your ground and refuse to back down, they’ll either get used to it and respect you or force you out of the relationship. And no, it doesn’t in any way, mean you’re selfish.

Imagine this scenario: Your relationship used to be all fun, sweet, and satisfying.

But as soon as things started to change — as things started to become more and more toxic, doing something you know you should about the situation feels like you might come across as selfish or too demanding.

This is the time when the subtle people-pleasing voice in your head prompts you to ask yourself the question: “Doesn’t this make me selfish, too demanding, or difficult?”

Answer: “Nope baby, it doesn’t!”

Standing up for yourself can in some ways seem like being obnoxious especially if you deep-down dread coming across as such because you don’t want to offend, hurt, or disappoint others.

But if you shy away from standing up for yourself when you’re been treated unfairly because you don’t want to come across as selfish or whatever, you’re only being uncompassionate, unkind, and even cruel to yourself.

Again, setting boundaries isn’t selfishness but rather, an act of self-care and self-respect.

Thinking of it this way will make it even easier for you to stand up for yourself, tell the other person when his behavior is unacceptable, and refuse to be treated poorly.

Know and accept yourself just the way you are.

I can’t overstate this enough.

Having no or zero need for someone else to validate or make you feel good about yourself is crucial to dealing with toxic partners and relationships.

Insecurity is a universal enemy. We all have one, a few, or many things we are insecure about.

But only a few things can be worse than the insecurities that fuel validation-seeking tendencies in an individual.

Struggling with this insecurity often means you’ll have a deep-seated need for external validation and approval from others.

This, my friend, will make it easier for toxic people to manipulate and control you by using your weaknesses and flaws against you.

Because the truth is, no matter what you’ll do, it’ll be difficult to avoid falling for the wicked tactics of a toxic and manipulative partner who derives joy in dominating, controlling, and manipulating you if you lack a strong sense of self and a knowledge of your worth.

The relationship will be more or less like an emotional rollercoaster where the other person does nothing but make you feel insecure, inferior, or unworthy so that they can maintain power and control over you.

But, if you have a strong sense of self and know your own worth, their tactics will be less likely to work on you.

Because if you know and accept yourself just the way you are, flaws and all—as you strongly believe you don’t need any validation from anybody, it’ll become harder for someone to manipulate or control you by using your weaknesses or flaws against you.

What’s more? When you know and accept yourself, you’ll be more likely to recognize when someone is treating you poorly or crossing your boundaries. You may be more likely to speak up for yourself and take action to protect your well-being either by reinforcing your boundaries or walking out of the relationship if your boundaries can’t be respected.

Make them respect you or walk away if they can’t.

Remember that the theme of this post is about setting boundaries that’ll protect your well-being from toxic partners and relationships.

So to wrap everything up, I’m urging you to make them respect you by setting ironclad boundaries or walk away if they can’t respect them.

Again, I know that setting boundaries and standing your ground behind them isn’t the easiest thing to do. Neither is it straightforward to leave a toxic relationship.

But like earlier mentioned, your own safety, mental and even physical health should be your topmost priority in a situation like this.

So you should summon up the courage and decide that enough is enough. Sit down with the other person and calmly explain to them that their behaviors are unacceptable and that you can’t tolerate them anymore.

Set some clear boundaries around how you expect to be treated and communicate your needs and expectations.

If they’re willing to change, apologize even, and promise to do better, expect them to keep to their promises while being patient with them because they probably won’t be able to change completely overnight.

But if over time, their behavior isn’t improving and if they often slide into their old toxic and even abusive patterns, you’ll need to make the difficult decision to walk away from the relationship.

You might need to seek support from friends, family, and even professionals that can help you leave safely.

Yes, it won’t be easy because you might have not only invested a lot of time and energy into the relationship but might have your life built around it. However, the ultimate goal should be to build a healthy and fulfilling life for yourself where your safety and well-being aren’t threatened.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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