When I married at age 24, I had no idea what I would do to support myself, let alone my family. I had $1200 in my pocket, which I thought would last us an entire year. To say I was totally out of touch with reality is an incredible understatement — my poor wife.
Reality hit hard in a series of stupid jobs and side gigs that never paid off. I became depressed and despondent of ever succeeding as a man, husband, and father. But one day, while driving down the NJ Turnpike on my way to another MLM meeting and listening to a man share his story on my cassette player, I was inspired by his powerful words: “I will always be a breadwinner in my marriage. I will always be a provider and never leave supporting my family solely to my wife.”
At that moment, something shifted, and I made a personal commitment to myself and Gd that, come what may, I would succeed. That my wife could always work but never have to. And as I have shared elsewhere, within five years, I was earning close to $300K as a software developer. This was back in 1999.
One lesson I’ve kept with me through the years is that our personal resolutions and commitments become the driving force throughout our lives. And, making a commitment to yourself, your family, and Gd can give you the strength to make it come true — to bring what you have in potential to the surface, where it belongs.
But on a deeper level, pulling back and viewing my situation from a wider lens, I now understand that I had no idea what being a husband meant. I courted a woman and got married with barely a hunch of what was to come — of who I needed to become.
And neither does she. Today’s woman doesn’t know whether to focus on her career, herself, relationships, or marriage. She’s as confused about what will bring her future success as I was 30 years ago. In a world of crumbling marriages, she was taught to be financially independent, just in case. Or that coming to the relationship debt-free and cash positive is attractive to men, who, along with everyone else, struggle to get ahead. Or that men aren’t looking for a child to care for and desire a strong woman who can fend for herself.
On the other side of the spectrum are the women who desperately want to be mothers, housewives, and homemakers. They aren’t looking for a handout to live a carefree life but instead, a partner who values a stay-at-home mom to raise the kids and craft home-cooked meals.
The reality is, is that every marriage comes with a plethora of unforeseen challenges that will force you to change, grow, and see the world so differently. We will end up very different than we ever imagined, having taken on so many roles and responsibilities we could never have seen coming.
As my wife gave to me, we need to give each other grace to figure things out together. It’s easy to point fingers and critic a person because their approach is shortsighted, immature, or perhaps even a bit irresponsible (guilty as charged). However, if you select a devoted partner who values marriage and is willing to go the distance, you both will come out the other side better people and connected in a way you could never imagine.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: ActionVance on Unsplash
