Want to Keep Their Attention? Do Not Chase; Do This Instead

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We all know we won’t connect with everyone we meet . . . but one of the most frustrating situations we can find ourselves in is one where we feel an initial spark and a connection, but things just don’t seem to progress. And in the end, they end up fading as we feel a lack of momentum. Rather than giving in to our desire to double down on communication, there’s a simple shift we can make on a date that allows unique attraction to grow. And it’s the kind of thing that will leave them thinking of us long after the date has ended . . . If you’d like to learn what this ingredient is and how you can add it to your next date, don’t miss this week’s brand-new video.

Matthew Hussey posts new love life advice for you every weekend on YouTube.

Transcript provided by YouTube. Edited lightly with AI.

Are Flirting and Good Communication at Odds?

Are you gonna do the videos that, like, that? Yes. What’s wrong with this? It looks awkward. It’s comfortable, Jameson. I’ve been making videos with you for over 10 years now. Can I be comfortable just once?

I got a question recently and I thought I’d bring it to you today because I think it’s going to help a lot of people. This person said, “I feel stuck. Last May, I got out of a 10-year relationship I was in since I was 19. I’m doing a lot of self-development and I found that when it comes to love and dating, people don’t seem to be attracted to open, good communication at first. I’ve been told I get into deep talk really fast, but then I keep getting friend-zoned by really attractive people because of it. Wouldn’t it be better if I could just be this healthy, communicative, open person and then attract that kind of person? Or are flirting and good communication often at odds?”

Why There’s No Second Date

I thought this was a great question because the answer gets to the heart of why so many people do not get the call at the end of a first date. We all have our superpower – the language we know the best, and that superpower can be an incredible thing. In this woman’s case, it’s her ability to go deep, her ability to empathize, her ability to be sincere and to have meaningful conversations. But when taken to its extreme, it can become a disadvantage. In her case, she’s getting friend-zoned by people she’s attracted to.

Contrast Creates Attraction

There’s a principle I want to give you – contrast creates attraction. When we’re one thing, let’s say in this case, we’re able to have these meaningful conversations, but then we can switch gears to something else – perhaps being flirtatious, teasing someone, being playful. All of a sudden, there’s a contrast between those two things, and that contrast is sexy, unexpected, engaging. It’s like having a meaningful conversation with someone at the bar and then they go to the bathroom, and when they come back, you suddenly take them in as a romantic interest.

Unique Pairings

I call these things unique pairings, when you have two different qualities that you don’t normally find in the same person. So now you have someone who’s not just playful but they can be sincere, someone who’s not just sexy but can be intellectual. Unique pairings are what make us think, “I need to be around this person.” At the extreme, they make us feel like someone is irreplaceable.

When Jameson Knew We Were Going to Be Friends

Remember Jameson telling me a story of when he first realized that he liked me, not just as someone he worked with, but as an actual friend? We were on a plane on the way back from Seattle to LA. He was sat in a seat that didn’t have any room in front of him, and I had double the legroom. At a certain point on the journey, I shot him a little look and said, “So hard to concentrate with all of this legroom.” He laughed. Years later, he told me this story as a moment where he realized, “Oh, he’s funny, and we’re going to be friends.”

Finding Your Unique Pairings

Some people will listen to this and think this sounds like so much work, having to be all these different things. But you don’t have to be all of these things all of the time. There are certain things we want to be as much of the time as possible, like kind and compassionate. But there are other things like being funny or flirtatious that are like seasoning – we just add a little bit here and there.

The Two Questions to Ask Yourself

Two questions for you: What muscle have I overdeveloped that I’m using too much? What muscle has atrophied, become weak from not using it? We all have these parts of ourselves. Don’t stay in one place so long that it becomes the only language you know. Join the Love Life Club for more coaching and practical ways to build your unique pairings.

Thank you for watching this video, and I’ll see you next week.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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