Don’t Say Your Marriage Is ‘Fine’ if It’s Not

The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 5 years is to be in one for 5 years and one day.

Dr. Phil

Fine means “well or healthy”. It also means “superior in kind, quality, or appearance: excellent”

So is your marriage really “fine”?

Since the divorce rate hovers at around 47% and many marriages just limp along, I have to believe a lot of them ARE. NOT. FINE.

And even if you think yours meets the above definitions, does your partner?

I get that you might want the outside world to think your marriage is really humming along. (Though I think it would be much better if we all could acknowledge that it might not be.)

But inside your marriage, you need to be honest.

If one of you thinks something is off, it is.

So why do we hold so hard to “FINE”?

Because you’re truly okay with the aspect of your marriage your wife is struggling with. You don’t have a problem with that area so there isn’t one. (Ahem, WRONG!)

Because you agree things could be improved but you don’t know how to get there. (Better.)

Because you’re afraid that if you acknowledge what isn’t working, you could make things worse. (Bingo.)

It’s probably some combination of all three.

Think about it. Is there really no area of your marriage that you wish was better? Amount of sex? How money is handled? Running the household? Work/home balance? Nothing?

I call BS!!!

You and your wife may have agreed that a particular aspect of your marriage could be better but it’s “good enough” for now. Be willing to revisit this decision regularly to be sure it still holds.

If you haven’t reached a clear and acceptable resolution that you both can embrace and implement, letting things slide can be harmful.

Dismissing the other person’s concerns on any matter may seem like a great idea at the moment. But long term, it’s dangerous.

Take a “listen to understand” approach to each other’s concerns. Don’t look for a solution until you’re both clear what the source of distress is. And it’s important to remember that understanding doesn’t mean agreement. You can still have different feelings about the same thing.

Once there is understanding, then you can look for solutions. If your partner is the one with the concern, they also may have some suggestions for what would make it better. Don’t dismiss them out of hand. See if you can find points of agreement as a place to start looking for a solution.

Finally, fear won’t stop bad things from happening. It will only get in the way of taking positive steps to address your challenges. It might be scary to really open up in the beginning.

But moving through the fear and taking the other steps will be worth it if it actually gets your marriage to really be fine.