How Do I End a Dying Friendship?

Dear Doctor NerdLove,

Here are the basics: I have a friend, we’ll call her June. Me and June go to the same school. Both of us have social anxiety, and she has ADHD. Both of us don’t have a lot of friends (I am planning to make more, the school year just started anyway). I am trying to decide whether or not I should just stop being her friend.

June doesn’t talk to me much. She’s a not a great conversationalist and can go several minutes without saying anything if I let her. I don’t like the silence and I prefer to talk to friends when I’m with them. We have some interests in common, and hang out occasionally, even having a few classes and clubs together. When I’m around her, I feel like I can’t be myself. The friendship feels half-dead and kind of obligatory, the only reasons I’ve stayed thus far being that we both don’t have any other friends. I don’t like the idea of being alone again, as I know making friends takes time and I already have trouble with it, but I don’t wanna be around June anymore and I feel kind of bad stringing her along. I don’t really like her and it feels selfish to pretend I do just because I don’t wanna be alone. I don’t hate her, but I don’t like her either. She’s just tolerable.

Also, even if I stopped talking to her as often, we share a few classes and clubs, so I’m not sure how things would be if I just stopped being her friend. I could just only interact with her in those environments, but I’d still like to get your perspective if possible. I appreciate you!

(a separate but related issue: I don’t feel like I’ve really had any totally comfortable friendships where I could be myself. Some superficial ones, but none yet with any emotional depth)

Moving On Down

I wish you gave me your age along with this, MOD, because that can make a difference – especially if you’re still in high-school or younger.

I admit, I have to wonder how June feels about things and whether she’s on the same page as you regarding your friendship or not. You all sound fairly different from one another. It doesn’t seem like you have much more than proximity and a lack of other friends to act as the glue to this relationship. You have different temperaments and, from the sounds of it, different social needs. She seems to be the sort that’s comfortable with silence and parallel play, you need more interaction. She may well be feeling as mixed about things as you are.

I also have to wonder whether you’ve ever actually tried seeking more emotional depth with people – June or otherwise. It sounds like you’ve been coasting along on fairly shallow, low-effort friendships, which could be part of the problem. Friendships require investment from both parties. A lot of seemingly shallow friendships are only shallow because nobody actually put the effort in to see if there was more – or missed the other person’s bid for greater connection.

If you want closer, more emotionally connected friendships, you’re going to have to actually make the bid for it. If you’re waiting for someone else to take the lead, you may well be waiting for a long time. Someone needs to make the first move and if that’s what you want, then it may as well be you.

That having been said: you aren’t obligated to be friends with anyone you don’t want to be friends with, any more than you’re obligated to stay in a romantic relationship when you want out. You can end a friendship for any reason, same with a romantic relationship. If you’re done with June, then you’re done with June and that’s all you really need.

Now, not every friend break up requires an actual discussion or saying “hey, we’re done”. Many friendships don’t end with fireworks or high drama; many just quietly fade until you realize you haven’t talked with ol’ wazziname in how long? It’s not impossible for you to just quietly let this fade out as you both just do your own thing and spend less time together. This happens more often than you’d think; not a conscious decision so much as just one week of not hanging out becomes two, then three and so on.

But this is also why I asked about how June feels about things. She doesn’t sound terribly communicative in general, but sometimes a friendship fading away hurts more than you’d expect. That feeling of “wait, why did we drift apart” can sneak up on a person like a snake in tall grass. So too can the feeling of “did I do something wrong?” That lack of clarity and self-doubt can be deeply unpleasant, especially if that triggers any hidden anxiety landmines.

It’s also kind of a shitty thing to do to someone you presumably liked and who likes you. I don’t think you necessarily need to say “hey, we’re done, peace out cub scout”, but the impact of ghosting someone after a first date vs. six months in is pretty significant. It’d be a good idea for you to consider how it would make you feel if someone (other than June) were to pull the fade away on you deliberately.

What I wouldn’t recommend is trying to Tarzan your way through this; hanging on to this friendship until you’ve got another one that you can grab onto. I understand that you don’t like feeling lonely – very few people do – but “I only stuck around until I had another vine to swing on” is the sort of thing that feels personal, pointed and frankly, more than a little callous and incredibly disrespectful. If you don’t want to be friends, don’t be friends, but don’t make her your safety net until you find someone else. That’s just needlessly painful, and in any break up you should do your best to avoid unnecessary pain.

Now, seeing one another afterwards is going to be somewhat inevitable. Unless you’re going to a fairly large college or university, you’re probably going to be running in similar circles. Much like dealing with a romantic break up, the key to dealing with your ex friend or ex-lover is to be polite and respectful. They deserve at least that much. Unless things were really bad or ended badly, you don’t need to avoid her like she’s got the latest COVID strain. That’s only going to add insult to the injury and cause more unnecessary pain. Even if you don’t want to spend one-on-one time with her, you can at least show her respect. You can be friendly without being friends. You can be polite and distant if you absolutely need to, but you can’t skip the polite part.

If it helps, think of this as treating her how you would prefer to be treated by an ex; after all, they’re not going to just disappear into the ether after things end any more than you will if someone breaks up with you.

Meanwhile, if you do decide to talk about why you’re ending things – or if she brings it up – keep it short, simple and about you. Using “I” statements here are important; she should understand that it’s not that she did anything wrong or that there’s something wrong with her. You have different needs and different temperaments, that’s all. It’s still going to hurt – there’s no avoiding that – but, again, you want to avoid unnecessary pain, and letting her think that it’s her fault is very unnecessary.

Good luck.

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Hi Dr. Nerdlove,

I’m a single gay man in my early 40s. I was doing fine dating despite the relatively small pool of age-appropriate gay- or bi- men in my Rust Belt city. The assorted apps were quite helpful in finding prospective partners, given both population size and a lot of my hobbies being fairly solitary. Then the pandemic began, and the idea of spending indoor time with strangers whose risk tolerance was likely greater than mine became really unappealing, so I essentially stopped, especially when I found out that the guy who had been an FWB turned out to be an anti-vaxxer.

I have reluctantly concluded that we’re likely going to be dealing with repeated waves of Covid for years, and probably the rest of our lives, given the public’s general attitudes towards vaccination and wearing masks. So this is the new reality of dating, and wishing it were different isn’t going to change anything. But: I’m a biology professor. I know in quite a lot of detail how high the risk is of long term complications from this virus (substantially higher than with Polio, for goodness’ sake), how easy it is to catch, etc. I’m still masking in the grocery store, picking up take out instead of dining in a restaurant, working out at home, etc, to limit my risk.

How do I find a balance between not really wanting to be celibate for the rest of my life, wanting to keep my risks fairly low, and also not come across as a complete nutjob to potential dates or hookups (for this reason, at least)?

Love In The Time Of COVID

The timing of this letter is… I don’t think fortuitous is the right word, but certainly well-timed, seeing as (at the time of writing) we seem to be looking at a potential surge of new COVID cases. There’s currently a lot of discussion about risk management and mitigation, especially when mask requirements and risk mitigation have become politically charged in the extreme.

Right now, a lot of people are trying to gauge their own risk tolerances and to what extent they’re going to try to avoid getting COVID (or getting it again), and there’re many who kept to a heightened state of vigilance, even as cases receded. So you may take some comfort that you’re in good company, at the very least.

I wish I had some easy answers for you. The politicization of just wearing masks made prevention and mitigation a minefield, and it can be difficult when you feel like the only person bothering to mask up or keeping to previous restrictions while the rest of the world acts like COVID disappeared entirely. Pandemic fatigue is very real, and even people who were religious with their preventative measures may have reached a point where they just feel exhausted by it all.

Of course, this is matched by the most vulnerable of our population, who feel – with reason – that they were abandoned and told that their safety was worth less than “returning to normal”.

And it certainly isn’t helped when grifters, bullshit artists deliberately poison the information well and some well-meaning-but-misinformed make it that much harder to get real, meaningful and accurate information about population spread and risk. It’s hard to gauge risk when some of the loudest voices seem to be dramatically overstating or understating the dangers and what may or may not happen to folks who get multiple infections or the long-term effects.

The good news is that, unlike at the start of the pandemic, we have far more resources than we did before. The vaccines don’t give 100% protection against infection, but it does make infection far less likely and far less dangerous than before. We also have more treatments for people who do get COVID that make the vast majority of infections inconvenient and unpleasant, rather than life-threatening. We’re much better positioned now to weather the storm than we were before. It’s still potentially deadly – influenza still kills tens of thousands every year, after all – but circumstances now are better than at the start of the pandemic by orders of magnitude.

But hey, you know this already. The question you need answered is “so, what now?”

Well… that part is trickier. There’s less societal support for the sorts of preventative measures than we took at the start and we’re all dealing with a metric shitload of PTSD and trauma from 2020. Some people want to act like we’re back to pre-pandemic times, some people are swearing up and down that they’ll mask up and stay home until the bitter end and most are somewhere in the middle. And it’s easy to say that something’s a risk that you’re willing to take, but that often leaves out the other people around you who didn’t consent to that level of risk.

But that level of risk tolerance is where you start. All dating is, in part, about balance of risk vs. reward and risk tolerance. Right now, you know the degree of prevention that you’re comfortable with. If you don’t feel comfortable a more elevated level of risk than you currently accept – by whatever measurement you feel is relevant – then your risk tolerance is going to be your filter. You’re going to want to look for people who are more or less on your level with regards to their prevention efforts.

Practically speaking, that means making it clear in your app profiles (since you’re not going out and meeting people) that you’re only interested in dating people who are as risk-conscious as you and who are willing to meet that level of mitigation. If that means strict masking, outdoor dates only and COVID pod rules, then make sure that’s front and center. You’re still going to be accepting a certain amount of risk – think of how many people discovered that people in their pod were playing fast and loose with who they were seeing – but you’re never going to reach perfect safety. There’s always going to be an element of risk; it’s just a matter of how much risk you’re comfortable with.

However, this also means that the tighter your requirements, the smaller your available pool will be. You may well find that you’re one of a handful in your area who are willing to take that level of risk management. If that’s the case… well, you have to decide whether the tradeoff is worth it. Either you have to be willing to accept a much more restricted dating life, or decide if the reward (more dates, more potential partners) is worth the risk (higher chances of COVID infection).

And unfortunately, this is a case where demographics aren’t going to help as much. The larger, more cosmopolitan cities may have a higher population of gay men, but that’s not likely to track to an equally higher number of potential partners who’ll have a similar level of risk tolerance.

Now, maybe you’ll get lucky and find the Frank to your Bill right off the bat. Or you might have to give it more time until the current surge fades, new vaccines increase COVID sterility and immunity and the dominant variants become more akin to the modern flu (as opposed to The Grey Lady of 1918).

At the end of the day, my opinion on the matter is irrelevant. You’ll have a much better grasp on the risk to yourself and your loved ones than I would. Under the current circumstances, you’re the only one who can decide what level of avoidance and management is right for you and what trade-offs you’re willing to accept.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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