My client Simon was a top dog in the software industry. A founder and CEO of his own company. He prided himself on the outcomes he achieved in his business.
If only he could say the same thing at home with his wife. There, it was a lot of complaints, never good enough, and a lot of conflicts.
Do you wish you could create better outcomes in your marriage?
Many of us guys are mystified that the strategies that help us achieve success on the job do not work in relationship.
And often it leaves us at a loss, wondering, how the hell do I figure out this relationship stuff?
And when it gets bad, we can lose all confidence, stay stuck, and like Simon, even start to think, I’m a loser, my marriage is falling apart, I’m screwed.
Do you experience negative self-talk when it comes to your marriage?
“I don’t experience that at work. I’m upbeat. I’m positive,” Simon told me. “But at home, it’s like I’m another guy.” He dropped his head in resignation.
Here was a guy who had no idea that being so good at creating outcomes on the job actually harmed him in his marriage.
Take note of these words that I told Simon and don’t forget them.
Your wife is not a project.
She’s a human being who
can’t be fixed, rescued,
or strategically managed.
Attempting to fix her is
killing your marriage.
Read that again. And again if necessary.
And now, consider this. Something radical. A new way of thinking and acting that is at a totally different level than the one at which your marital problems were created.
Take a breath before you read this. Because if you’re like Simon, it will scare the living crap out of you.
Forget the outcome you desire altogether. Yes, forget the goal.
Maybe you’re thinking, what the hell are you saying?
I know it may make your head spin. But trust me on this one. I’ve been coaching guys successfully in relationship for 17 years and I’ve seen it time and again.
What gets you success at work will not get you success at home.
And that has to do with the fact that in your marriage, unlike at work, you’re in the DIZ, what I call the “deep intimacy zone.” That intimate and vulnerable zone that only your wife sees and knows.
That zone where like Simon, you often feel like a scolded little boy. That zone where deep internal parts of you get activated. Parts like your inner boy, your core wound, your family of origin stuff, and your inner critic.
These parts of you DO NOT speak the language of outcomes.
Instead, they are concerned with your efforts – how you are showing up wisely, strongly, and consistently. Like a stable leader who does not throw in the towel when things get tough.
Are you showing up like a strong leader in your marriage?
If not, here’s the key – focus on a better effort and let go of the outcome.
Let go of the fear of not getting the outcome you want – be it the perfect family, the wonderful marriage, or the great sex life. Let go of the fear of divorce.
And start getting free to focus on wiser, better, and more battle-tested efforts.
Only then, will you be in a powerful position to create the marriage that you want.
Simon did it and you can too. Discover how in the video below.
Are you willing to get free of fear, in order to finally transform your marriage?
A lot of guys won’t because they fear losing what I call “outcome control.” It’s that thing they illusorily chase.
They prefer to cling to an outcome they’re not getting than achieving the one they can’t even yet imagine.
When I said this to Simon, he got it.
Why continue with the same shitty strategies to get the same shitty outcomes?
For Simon, answering that meant letting go of fixating on what wasn’t happening in his marriage. And instead, to start focusing on how he could show up differently. Remember this.
She’s your partner.
You’ll never change her.
Work on you
and invite her
to meet the new you.
That’s what Simon did and his wife met him.
And it all started for him with one simple step. One he took in the face of all his doubts and his prior failures. And it’s a step you can take as well.
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Previously published on stuartmotola.com and is republished on Medium.
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