1. Sorry about the climate scholarship:
Eligibility: Those who are living on beachfront property in Oklahoma.
Amount: It’s over, so you know, let’s say a million dollars at this point.
2. Affordable student housing scholarship:
Eligibility: Those enterprising students who are comfortable living in cardboard.
Amount: 1 cardboard box.
3. We took your pension. Ha ha. Ha ha scholarship:
Eligibility: Unpaid interns.
Amount: Pictures of what pensions used to look like.
4. Asset forfeiture scholarship:
Eligibility: Those that we THINK are up to no good.
Amount: A tank. Not for you, but for small towns of under 100 population. They need tanks.
5. Oops, we spent all your healthcare on wars scholarship.
Eligibility: Veterans.
Amount: More wars.
6. The Work/Life Balance History scholarship:
Eligibility: Any student who has never seen their working parent at their soccer game.
Amount: $1.00 provided the working parent doesn’t come to your graduation.
7. I want to buy food. (Technically a subsidy.)
Eligibility: Farmers
Amount: Those awarded will get $100,000 to jailbreak your tractor. The money should be used for your legal defense fund when sued for jailbreaking your tractor.
8. School shooting survivors’ scholarship:
Eligibility: survivors.
Amount: What, you already made it out alive. You want more? Entitled..
9. Lower Taxes for Billionaires Tuition Assistance:
Eligibility: children of billionaires.
Amount: The transfer of wealth from a neighborhood of your choosing.
10. Yet another collapsed economy scholarship:
Eligibility: Children of the 2000 Dotcom bust, the 2008 housing crisis, the 2020 pandemic.
Amount: Stocks in Blockbuster. As much as you want.
11. We made Nazis popular again. Our bad:
Eligibility: Children of conspiracy theorists.
Amount: 50 million Trump Bucks and free tuition to Trump University. (It’s not free, but you don’t know that. It’s a conspiracy!)
12. 10-year-olds forced to give birth scholarship:
Eligibility: Children of Supreme Court Justices.
Amount: Whatever the market rate is for Clarence Thomas.
13. We’re not on Mars yet scholarship:
Eligibility: Children who want to study STEM.
Amount: Empty promises about a bright future to hide the fact we are cutting funding to higher education so that we can send our clones to Mars instead.
14. Disco scholarship:
Eligibility: All the cool kids
Amount: Solid gold, baby! That’s right, we’re bringing disco back!
15. Sorry for bringing disco back scholarship:
Eligibility: Everyone who received a Disco scholarship.
Amount: Ok, we’re really sorry for this one. Have a coupon for one ice cream cone. Sorry.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
