How to Choose the Right Person in Love

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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

What’s up, everybody! Welcome back to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and today, Stephen Hussey. He had an idea: you’re doing all these other podcasts to talk about the new book, and there’s amazing stuff coming out of those, but you haven’t actually done an interview about the new book on our podcast.

That’s right. And I wondered, has anyone really cracked the nugget that is Matthew Hussey’s juicy brain?

In the mountain of podcasts I’ve done, no one’s got it yet. Many have come close, but I think this is the one.

I like it. Well, it makes me slightly concerned now about what you’re going to ask. Is this somehow the most dangerous podcast? Imagine if the most controversial podcast I did was the one we did ourselves.

I think I do. That is my concern—or your aim?

Well, this is what we’re going to do today. I have no idea what Stephen is going to ask, but I feel like some great stuff is going to come out of it. I have a good feeling about this, so let’s get started!

Book Giveaway

Guess what, everybody? The time is finally here! *Love Life*, the new book, is no longer available to pre-order because you can actually order it now. The book is out! When you order it now, it will ship to you immediately. I am so excited about this; I’ve been waiting for months, and you finally get to read it.

Remember, every single person who gets a copy of this book also gets a complimentary ticket to a live virtual event I am doing on May 4th, called “Find Your Person.” We’ll be taking all the ideas from the book and helping you apply them in a real way in your life to find your person this year.

Not only that, but every person who gets a copy of the book is also entered into a prize giveaway. We’re giving away tickets to my live retreat—six days live with me in Florida by the beach. We’re also giving away one-on-one sessions with me, *Love Life* sweatshirts, and all sorts of other goodies. You can get all this stuff by going to *llifebook.com* and entering the order number from your receipt on that page. Enjoy, let me know what you think of the book, and thank you for supporting me. Let’s get on with the episode!

Interview

Well, Matthew, my boy, I want to bring you here to talk about some of the ideas in the book, the motivation behind writing it, and how you’ve changed throughout the process. You’ve been doing this a long time. This is your second book, which came out ten years ago.

The dating world has changed a lot since then. A lot has happened in those ten years. It’s a formidable length of time between books.

In this book, I think it’s fair to say this is the most open I have ever seen you be about yourself on any platform. Were you surprised when you first read those parts?

I was surprised at how confessional you were willing to be and how much you were willing to bleed on the page. I think it makes for an extremely compelling read and was an important step.

You, as a YouTuber, are a very private person. Many people go on YouTube and spill everything about themselves, but you’ve been quite private. So, why did you decide to be so open with this book? Why now?

The level of vulnerability in this book mirrors the greater level of vulnerability I’ve had in my personal life over the years of writing it. It’s not just a public shift in the form of a book; it’s a reflection of my personal growth.

In the last five to seven years, I’ve been on a path of opening up more in general. I didn’t realize in my 20s the extent to which I wasn’t good at being truly vulnerable. I could tell stories that looked vulnerable, but they were always past tense, never about what I was struggling with in the present.

In this book, you talk about chronic pain, therapy, and relationship mistakes you feel you made—topics you wouldn’t have touched before. Why this shift?

Definitely, I would not have touched these topics before. I worried that sharing these things would be seen as a lack of credibility, as I wanted to come across as having it all figured out. I thought I needed to resolve my struggles privately before talking about them publicly. Now I realize our audience would have loved and accepted me for being on that journey.

Online Dating

A lot has changed in the dating landscape in the last decade. When the first book came out, publishers wanted us to write a chapter on online dating, but we were a bit indifferent about it. Now, dating apps are mainstream, and most people who are single use them. Do you think dating has gotten harder or easier since the first book?

It’s funny because online dating is now ubiquitous, and we didn’t touch on it in this book. I don’t think this book is about dating; it’s about love. It’s about what’s getting in the way of us finding the love we want.

In some ways, online dating exacerbates the dopamine-driven cycle many of us are on. It’s not that I’m anti-online dating; many people meet through apps. However, dating apps contribute to a cycle where we get short hits of validation without real connection unless we actually meet up with people. The real challenge is getting out of the house to meet someone in person, which requires more effort.

It’s like junk food interaction versus deep interaction. I’m new in LA and have been saying yes to a lot of social things in person. Even though it’s intimidating, I feel like I’m engaging in richer, more nourishing interactions.

The key is to live in a more analog way while still using digital tools like dating apps. Use them intentionally and avoid getting stuck in compulsive behaviors. When messaging someone, be intentional about leading to a date rather than endlessly chatting.

Choosing the Right Things

A major point in the book is about choosing the right things and avoiding traps like situationships and toxic relationships. Dating apps can often present shiny, glamorous profiles that draw us in, but we need to be intentional and sober about whether someone truly aligns with our values and goals.

In business, you have to decide what’s important to you and avoid distractions. Similarly, in dating, you need to be clear about what you want and not be swayed by superficial attractions. For example, if you want children and are dating someone who isn’t on the same trajectory, it’s crucial to recognize this early on and not get caught up in the excitement of the moment.

We talk about the four levels of importance in relationships: admiration, mutual attraction, emotional connection, and deep compatibility. Admiration is level one and isn’t very important. Mutual attraction, which feels significant, is level two. But as people get older, they need to consider deeper levels of compatibility beyond just attraction.

Ultimately, it’s important to be intentional and clear about what you want, both in dating and in life, and not get caught up in the superficial aspects that may not align with your long-term goals.

Commitment and Relationship Levels

Level three is commitment. If you want a relationship, both you and the other person need to be willing to say “yes” to it. Commitment is a crucial phase that is often underestimated. It’s surprising how many people elevate someone to the most important position in their lives, despite that person not being ready for a relationship. They might say they’re confused, not ready, or want to travel, but essentially, they don’t want a relationship with you, even though you want one with them.

Level four is compatibility. Commitment alone isn’t enough for a long-term, happy relationship. You need two people who work well together as a team, with values and life views that align. Their futures should fit together, and their current lifestyles should be compatible. If there’s a fundamental mismatch—whether it’s in life goals or values—the relationship won’t work, even if both are committed.

Problems arise when people overvalue admiration or mutual attraction while undervaluing commitment and true compatibility. There’s a notable difference between wanting to enjoy being in love and being ready for a relationship. Love can be mistaken for a form of infatuation, which feels like love but is not necessarily about wanting the best for someone. Love should be seen as a verb—an action where you strive to understand and meet the needs of the other person.

You can love someone and realize that you cannot provide what they want. Sometimes, loving someone means letting them go to avoid causing further harm. Many people cling to relationships because they want to keep experiencing the feelings of love, even if it’s selfish. A relationship should be a structure where both partners actively work together to nurture and build something meaningful.

Building a Relationship

The decision to commit is separate from falling in love. It involves a conscious choice about what to do with those feelings. When I proposed to Audrey, I was ready to build something lasting. I saw her as the ideal partner for this venture, as opposed to just someone with whom I had profound feelings.

Early in our relationship, it felt like building the train while it was moving. Despite feeling somewhat incompetent, I realized I would be foolish not to build a future with Audrey. My previous dating experiences had not provided lasting happiness, and Audrey offered qualities that promised a stable partnership.

Observing our relationship, I noticed that Audrey brought a level of healthy communication that was new for me. Issues were addressed constructively without causing a massive fallout, which allowed us to solve problems together rather than letting them undermine the relationship.

There were moments early in our relationship where I realized my own flaws through our interactions. For instance, when I felt insecure and reacted poorly, Audrey handled the situation with compassion but also set clear standards for how to address issues. These moments forced me to confront my own behavior and seek resolution, rather than blame her or exit the relationship.

Opening up about my feelings sometimes led to a “vulnerability hangover,” where I felt exposed and feared being perceived as weak. I worried that sharing too much would alter how Audrey saw me. However, Audrey’s response was reassuring; she made it clear that my vulnerabilities did not negate my strengths or attractiveness.

I used to enjoy the early, idealized stages of dating, where both partners appear perfect. The first signs of imperfection or criticism were challenging for me. Many people spend their lives enjoying this heroic stage of dating, where they present their best selves and avoid deeper vulnerability. Real connection involves more than just being seen in a flattering light; it requires genuine communication and acceptance.

Over time, I learned that sharing my vulnerabilities with Audrey didn’t diminish my value or attractiveness. Instead, it allowed for a deeper, more authentic connection. Audrey’s acceptance of all parts of me, including my insecurities, helped me feel safe and understood, demonstrating that real intimacy is built on the acceptance of each other’s complete selves.

Embracing All Parts of Yourself

When you’re on a journey of self-acceptance, it can be liberating to realize that you won’t be judged or shamed for any part of who you are. Embracing all facets of yourself, including those that might not have seen the light of day or which you were once afraid to discuss, can be transformative. Integration of these aspects instead of hiding or selectively presenting them can lead to a more complete self-acceptance.

For me, this process involved recognizing and valuing parts of myself that had been previously hidden. Seeing someone else show such deep compassion and acceptance for me was incredibly powerful. It wasn’t about discovering a hidden truth but about integrating and celebrating all parts of who I am.

In your book, one of the subtitles is “How to Be Happily Single No Matter What.” This suggests that while the external goal might seem to be finding a relationship, the deeper message is about taking the time to be fully okay with being single and not settling for “junk food” relationships. It’s about holding out for something real and meaningful, rather than jumping into any relationship that comes along.

Love needs space to grow. If we’re constantly filling that space with relationships or people who aren’t right for us, we’re simply cluttering our lives. Keeping people who are wrong for us, even if they seem to offer temporary comfort, takes up both psychological and physical space. This can prevent us from truly engaging with new opportunities or potential partners.

Choosing What to Value

It’s essential to recognize and choose what we value in a relationship. By understanding what qualities are non-negotiable and focusing on those, we can make more deliberate choices about who we let into our lives. It’s not just about being attracted to someone’s charm or allure, but about identifying the qualities that genuinely matter for long-term happiness.

Rewiring our preferences and breaking away from old patterns can be challenging. It often involves stepping away from relationships or behaviors that perpetuate unhealthy cycles. Just as with breaking a sugar addiction, it takes time and intentional effort to adjust our preferences and appreciate new, healthier options.

Often, people find that a healthy relationship feels unfamiliar or strange because it lacks the chaos they might be used to. For example, someone might feel uneasy about a partner who is consistently kind and supportive, as this can contrast sharply with the dramatic or tumultuous relationships they’re accustomed to. Recognizing and accepting peace and safety as normal can be a significant shift.

Choosing to be attracted to healthier behaviors often requires a conscious decision to rewire one’s preferences. This means spending time away from toxic patterns and investing in new, positive experiences. Just like an addiction to sugar, old patterns might seem more appealing, but they often lead to greater dissatisfaction.

When transitioning away from unhealthy relationships, it’s crucial to recognize and value different qualities. Often, people are so accustomed to certain dynamics that they fail to see the positives in healthier options. By consciously choosing to spend time with supportive and kind individuals, we can begin to appreciate and value these traits more fully.

Your book provides practical advice on how to make better decisions in love. It addresses why people often choose the wrong things and offers strategies to rewire behaviors and values. This approach helps readers move towards relationships that bring profound happiness and peace.

Final Thoughts

Thank you for the engaging conversation. I hope everyone enjoys reading the book and finds the insights useful. For those who haven’t yet grabbed a copy, visit [lovliebook.com](http://lovliebook.com) to get your free ticket to the May 4th event and enter the prize draw. Your support means a lot, and I look forward to hearing your feedback soon.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG

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