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Ever found yourself slipping into the therapist role with a guy when what you really want is to create deep attraction with him?
Instead of being in a fun, flirtatious situation with someone who’s trying to get to know more about you, you find yourself sitting patiently while someone unloads all of their problems onto you.
You’re not alone. But there is a way out.
In this brand-new video, I show you how to escape the “therapist trap” with a guy so that you can keep building the attraction and tension that lead to a second date.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
last month we did a really small
00:02
socially distanced event for some close
00:05
fans in the town in which i reside los
00:08
angeles we’ll call it matthew’s tiny
00:12
covid delta variant show
00:16
at least until i come up with a catchier
00:17
name
00:18
this is a clip from that show
00:20
enjoy okay so a little bit of background
00:22
i am a psychologist i am finishing up my
00:25
phd
00:26
i
00:27
have had such a hard time in
00:30
relationships like i feel like i know
00:33
the theories i’ve read a lot but i just
00:35
like really struggle um
00:37
which part do you feel you struggle with
00:39
in particular
00:41
it’s really hard for me to like feel
00:44
close to men and um
00:47
i feel like i also draw people who like
00:50
share too much initially and then i get
00:52
really like overwhelmed by them
00:55
romantically
00:56
why do you think you draw people like
00:58
that
00:59
i think i’m open and i think people are
01:00
like oh i can tell you anything like i
01:02
just feel like i can share so much right
01:05
and i don’t know how to like
01:07
so that also brings people who are
01:09
really problematic or who have a lot of
01:12
trauma
01:13
um and i just i’m here because i’m just
01:16
like what can i do to change that and
01:19
tell me a little more about the being
01:22
you know because it’s an interesting
01:23
contrast right you saying that i people
01:27
they come forward and they suffocate me
01:28
with information and [ __ ] over sharing
01:31
but you said you find it hard to get
01:33
close to men what did you mean when you
01:35
said that or or did you just mean that
01:37
your reaction to the over sharing is to
01:39
pull back
01:40
it’s to pull back but also um
01:43
to
01:46
um
01:49
to connect to like really build on
01:50
relationships to like
01:52
not whenever i see something wrong i
01:55
immediately like leave um i don’t like
01:58
to like work through things i see um yes
02:01
can i say the same problem yeah i’m
02:04
gonna mention it because i’m a behavior
02:05
analyst
02:06
and
02:07
i just had a date the other day and the
02:09
guy just told me his whole life story
02:12
and i was like i know i’m a good
02:13
listener but
02:16
like and then i’m like no because if i’m
02:18
like analyzing everything i’m like no
02:20
why it’s too much too soon and then i
02:22
don’t know just like you i was like oh
02:24
my god am i only one i guess i’m not
02:27
it’s like torture it’s like no i don’t
02:29
want to fix you stop and so needy guys
02:32
and i’m like it really is yeah and i
02:35
feel like almost
02:37
now that i’m like i’m like finishing my
02:39
phd
02:40
that that almost makes men more
02:42
intimidated and they’re like you’re a
02:43
psychologist or you like do this kind of
02:45
work like absolutely like i can’t really
02:48
i was like yeah
02:59
when people were intimidating
03:02
they’re usually not connecting
03:07
when we’re sitting with someone and
03:08
we’re curious
03:10
about them
03:12
when we’re impressed by them
03:16
the
03:17
being intimidating part tends to
03:19
dissolve because someone feels like oh
03:21
wow this person thinks i’m
03:24
i’m impressive or they think i’m
03:25
interesting or they think there’s
03:26
something
03:27
about me
03:29
and
03:30
it also man or woman i’m not talking
03:32
about women here man or woman it’s
03:34
important i believe
03:36
to
03:40
we tend to lead with the weapon we’re
03:42
most comfortable wielding
03:46
right we all have our weapon of choice
03:50
think for a moment everyone in this room
03:53
what your favorite weapon the
03:56
the sword you feel best swinging is
04:00
right everyone’s got it
04:02
for some women it’s like being ultra
04:04
sexy
04:06
that’s this that’s the sword they wield
04:09
and then that person comes to me and
04:11
says
04:13
you know
04:14
men only see me in one way
04:18
and
04:20
we unpack often the fact that
04:23
this weapon they’re wielding
04:26
is a attracting a certain kind of person
04:30
and b
04:31
actually stopping people from seeing
04:33
what else is there
04:37
when people are intellectual or they’ve
04:40
done you know they’ve been to to an
04:42
amazing college or they’ve had um
04:45
then that tends to be the weapon that
04:48
they’re most comfortable wielding
04:50
so they’ll often walk into situations
04:53
armed up as the intellect
04:58
my suspicion
05:00
is that you’re
05:02
using the weapon that’s comfortable to
05:04
you which may be deep conversation yes
05:10
and then
05:12
when they meet you there and say okay
05:14
deep conversation mode
05:17
you keep asking questions because you go
05:19
well at least we’re talking i guess
05:20
we’re talking i guess we’re connecting
05:22
so another question another question
05:23
another question and then at the end of
05:25
it you go why are they telling me so
05:27
much information
05:27
[Laughter]
05:32
but it’s but it’s not it’s because
05:35
it’s not all your fault it’s just that
05:38
you’re comfortable letting it unfold
05:40
that way
05:43
and what i need you to do is take a risk
05:46
to lead it a different way
05:48
and in dating
05:50
there always has to be a a first mover
05:53
of some kind right they’re always
05:55
there always has to be someone who just
05:58
takes the like the little step in that
06:00
direction
06:03
like it’s that first time you’re
06:07
you know around someone you thought was
06:08
a friend and they and they tell you you
06:11
look good in a way that a friend doesn’t
06:13
and they just
06:15
reached out a little bit
06:18
and then when you take a step forward
06:19
you’re doing the same and they get
06:21
validated and they go that was nice that
06:22
worked
06:24
okay i’ll do a little bit more
06:26
i have finished entire dates
06:30
where i had no idea the woman i was on a
06:32
date with actually found me sexually
06:35
attractive
06:36
no idea
06:38
i i knew she thought i was a decent
06:41
human being i knew that
06:44
but that’s not what makes us call each
06:45
other is it
06:47
we don’t go home to our friends and go
06:49
you know
06:50
i’m so excited to see this person again
06:53
they are such a decent human being
06:59
what gets us to call man or woman
07:02
is when we have that beautiful
07:04
combination of connection and chemistry
07:09
we’ll even call if there’s just
07:10
chemistry
07:12
we’ll [ __ ] up our lives on just
07:13
chemistry
07:16
but we won’t do it if there’s just
07:18
connection
07:20
it doesn’t work the other way around
07:23
most of us won’t do it on just
07:24
connection it doesn’t give us that that
07:27
fuel
07:28
that makes us want to pick up the fire
07:30
god call this person
07:32
i gotta call them
07:33
it doesn’t make us do that
07:39
i finished entire dates
07:43
where i didn’t know if someone found me
07:45
hot not
07:47
found me attractive that’s different
07:50
attractive isn’t even quite it you know
07:53
hot
07:56
and then i wake up the next day and i
07:58
say well that was really nice we had a
08:00
good conversation but
08:02
i don’t know i i it didn’t make me want
08:04
to pick up the phone
08:06
and
08:07
and i was attracted to that per the
08:08
reason i went on the date is because i
08:10
thought they were really attractive
08:13
i went because i thought they were
08:14
attractive but i didn’t finish with any
08:17
electricity
08:19
so there was nothing charging the next
08:21
stage
08:23
and then a day later i get a text
08:28
last night was really fun i’d love to
08:29
see you again and i’m like
08:32
what
08:35
i
08:35
i’ve had that experience where you go
08:37
were we on the same date
08:42
how do you feel
08:43
so you like me
08:47
someone shouldn’t be surprised
08:49
to hear you like them
08:52
that shouldn’t come as like a piece of
08:54
revelation oh my god she
08:56
actually likes me i’m not saying you
08:59
have to spend a date doting over someone
09:01
that would be bad too
09:04
but just a a moment a glimmer where
09:07
someone realizes
09:08
oh
09:09
we’re not friends
09:12
and we’re not gonna be friends
09:16
that’s sexy when you feel that oh i okay
09:19
i get it we’re not friends
09:21
okay
09:22
now let’s keep talking
09:24
now you keep talking about all the other
09:25
cool stuff
09:27
but there’s a subtext
09:29
the problem is when you’re on a date and
09:31
you’re talking about all of that stuff
09:32
but there’s no subtext
09:36
now you’re just in conversation
09:39
so
09:40
biggest advice for you for anyone for
09:43
all of us
09:44
what’s the weapon
09:46
i am most comfortable wielding and how
09:49
is that weapon hurting me
09:53
how is it hurting me
09:56
what new weapon do i want to start
09:59
sharpening
10:01
and bringing out even slowly
10:03
in small ways but i promise you you
10:06
bring out different you you just
10:08
brandish a different weapon
10:10
for a moment
10:11
and you’ll start getting different
10:13
reactions
10:14
and the reactions
10:16
may sometimes be what you want they may
10:18
not but the different reaction will give
10:20
you hope
10:22
because you’ll be like oh that this is
10:24
great because it’s not the groove i was
10:26
in
10:27
it shows i can have an effect on the
10:29
environment i can have an effect on the
10:31
situation i’m not just a a passenger on
10:35
a date i am someone who can actually
10:37
lead the dance even if it doesn’t look
10:39
like i’m doing anything at all
10:41
thank you great question um
10:44
before you swan off into your life today
10:47
doing whatever it is you do when you
10:49
don’t live here with me
10:51
i have something you might be interested
10:53
in did you know that i have a club a
10:56
group of people that every month i work
11:00
with not just on their love lives but on
11:02
their love for life on their
11:04
relationship with themselves on their
11:06
relationship with life itself it is like
11:09
a gym for your psychology your emotions
11:12
and your confidence and it goes way
11:14
deeper than we can here in a 5 or a 10
11:17
minute video and i get the chance to
11:20
live coach people to answer questions to
11:23
do live demonstrations if you haven’t
11:26
tried it yet there’s a 14 day free trial
11:29
so that you can join risk free and
11:30
decide after a couple of sessions if you
11:33
want to continue to come and join go to
11:36
askmh.com
11:38
and i will see you over there
11:56
you
—
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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