“No one ever thanks dad for takin’ care of his business … What’s he get? The big piece of chicken.”
– Chris Rock
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Our society treats the breadwinner of the family much like we treat the wealthy these days, not well. We’ve focused so much attention on kids and everyone in the house that we’ve forgotten the one person that keeps the lights on and food on the table. Does it need to be like 1955 when everyone cleared the way, cocktail in hand, when dad came home? Not at all. Times have changed, thankfully. But we need balance.
When one person provides most of the resources for a family, an enormous responsibility is placed upon them. Not only by the family, but also by themselves. Taking care of the ones you love is a very noble and primal thing to do, but the weight that responsibility carries can be suffocating.
It doesn’t matter which spouse is the breadwinner of a family. While more and more families have both members bringing home income, the one income household is still alive. I see examples watching the stay-at-home mom, stroller-aerobic class every Monday morning in front of Starbucks, and the stay at home dad that is largely ignored and feeling out-of-place during playtime at the local Gymboree. So the breadwinner isn’t extinct … yet.
No one adult in the family is more important than the other; there has to be a balance. It’s more about understanding another person’s situation. Many of us wander through life thinking we know what another person is going through. We don’t. Even when we live in the same house.
Adam Corolla, comedian turned podcaster, who owns the #1 podcast, commented a few months ago that when the breadwinner used to bring home the money, the family valued it. Now, it basically gets you to zero. It’s expected instead of appreciated and supported.
We need to be somewhere between 1955 and 2013.
Everyone has those ups and downs, and for the breadwinner, they’re magnified because so much is at stake. When that job is threatened or struggling, it is devastating. The spouse may worry, but doesn’t have the same fear and dread the breadwinner has. The spouse knows the breadwinner has always taken care of the family and any company is lucky to have them. But more often than not, the breadwinner doesn’t feel this way. They feel like a fraud — like they’re constantly scrambling to make everything work — with mediocre results. It’s defeating to give everything you have and barely have your head above water.
Corporate America doesn’t help much. With slashed budgets, canceled projects, pitiful raises, diminishing benefits and office politics, it can really fuck with someone’s head and self-esteem. It’s like being picked last for a kickball game that never ends.
As if the daily grind isn’t hard enough, companies have laid off workers this past decade like its sport. While incredibly devastating to a family, the spouse is generally very levelheaded about a lay-off being one-step removed. They cut back, put vacations on the back burner, don’t eat out and trim where they can. The breadwinner is a psychological mess. Denial is the first emotion to hit, but it quickly downshifts into the feeling he/she may never work again. If that happens the family can’t pay bills, can’t eat, and then homeless … you get the picture. While extreme and unlikely, the breadwinner feels this way. And that’s when the pain is really takes over.
When your family depends on you for food and shelter – the most basic of human needs and you can’t deliver; there is no more hopeless feeling.
Nothing in this world is worse than not being able to do the one thing those you love most count on you for. When this happens – or even just the threat, the breadwinner can be moody, frustrated, bitchy and mean. They’re not lashing out (even though it feels this way); they are struggling and feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. I felt this way when I was laid off … three times. I didn’t resent the people I was responsible for, I was mad at myself for not doing the one job I could not fail at.
The breadwinner doesn’t necessarily have it harder than anyone else; it’s just different. Staying at home with the kids and being the breadwinner are hard, stressful and emotionally draining. The stay-at-home crowd just has a better public relations team. We can’t forget about those who keep the lights on and food on the table.
They haven’t forgotten about you.
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Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons
From my experience, women are more than willing to go out and work. They want to contribute financially to the family. Many men complain when they have to help with the kids. You can’t have it both ways. Many men expect their wives to quit work to take care of the baby or young children. Women then become unemployable. Than they get angry that they have to be the breadwinner.
“From my experience, women are more than willing to go out and work. ” But are they willing to be the SOLE breadwinner. Saying they are willing to work and contribute is not the same as taking over the role. For all your choice, men still, largely, must be he breadwinner. And the government enforces this with draconian child support enforcement against a predominantly male target population. So men DON”T get it both ways. men have the responsibility to be the sole provider if his wife chooses, or to accept his wifes choice to work, and be told to pick… Read more »
Wow! Great post, can’t help thinking that as Father’s Day is fast approaching , this is a great piece to remind our families that yes, we do appreciate a thank you once in a while, but keep that big piece of fried chicken too! I agree that since the breadwinner role has been traditionally relegated to men (no complaints), most people tend to just expect that. Truth is, it’s tough to be a good provider especially post-recession, when men jobs were mostly affected. Great to read inspiring and coping insights like this. I also came across this equally great article… Read more »
The disrespect for the breadwinner is easy enough to explain… Once upon a time, men made th choice to be the breadwinner. They stuck around, and did these things because they wanted to, and they were appreciated and respected fact, the breadwinner can be kicked out of the home and STILL be required to provide. Is it any wonder why we don’t respect the breadwinner? They are government sanctioned slaves.
Mark, in a very raw way you’ve hit on the biggest hell for men who are the breadwinner. If they do divorce, they tend to end up with big maintenance and child support payments and only seeing the kids every other weekend. More and more are now getting 50/50 custody, if they’re lucky.
More and more are striving for 50/50 custody, but it’s my understanding that custody allotments haven’t changed all that much in the last 40 years. And Women’s organizations like NOW want that trend to continue, by labeling fathers who want time with their kids, and are willing to fight for it, as abusers:
http://www.nowfoundation.org/issues/family/FamilyLawNewsletter-Fall2012.pdf
I agree, its a sad picture the way how parents are treated.
Do you really believe the wealthy are treated “not well”? That statement alone really makes me question the rest of the essay.
Exactly.
That probably needs a little more explanation. While I am not considered “wealthy,” as a society we have started to look at the wealthy as the enemy. Yes, there are people who get rich and stay rich by cheating the system, just as there are people on the opposite side who abuse government programs. But those who work hard, take risks, build companies and employ the rest of us need to be respected and appreciated (notice I did not say corporations). There is a shift going on in this country where people expect things without hard work and putting themselves… Read more »
That might have something to do with the fact that the US’s income inequality is significantly steeper than at any other time in its history. One might even say the resentment is warranted.
I’d say the amount of hostility and unfair expectations placed on the 1%ers from people like the occupy movement and other 99%er groups constitutes be treated “not well”. This doesn’t include condemning those who earn their money through fraud, embezzlement, etc., but the simple assertion that being wealthy means your greedy or socially unjust/irresponsible, or any other number of standard stereotypes directed at the wealthy. So yeah, they do get treated poorly. Fortunately for them, they have lots of hundred dollars bills to dry their tears, but they doesn’t mean you get to pretend there aren’t large swaths of people… Read more »
Interesting read. The breadwinner + stay-at-home-parent is such an alien family model to me, so it’s good to think about this stuff.
Reading it, the engineer in me kept thinking “single point of failure”. Even if we wanted to do the single-income model for other reasons, I don’t think I could get beyond the risk factor – for the same reason I’d never work in the same company as my partner. The prospect of loss of all income in one go is just too scary.
Lars, great point. A single point of failure in a career, let alone a family is a major problem with the economy today. Not only should a family not have a single point of failure, a single person’s income stream shouldn’t either. Job security is a thing of the past, we need to approach a career like freelancers and contractors.
Thanks for the smart comment.
Craig
It is not acceptable to bash the breadwinner of the family. Stay at home parents get very little respect. They seem to be less respected than the breadwinner.
It is not acceptable to bash the breadwinner of the family. Stay at home parents get very little respect. They seem to be less respected than the breadwinner.
We need to value both stay at home parents and the breadwinner. It is not acceptable to trash the breadwinners in the family. Stay at home parents get trashed all the time. We also have little respect for those that care for their children full time. Adam Corolla is extremely sexist. If you want to win women over, please do not include him. He just reinforces all the negative stereotypes about men.
You are more than welcome to your opinion on Adam Carolla, he speaks his mind and opens himself up. However; he was talking about men or women. Thanks for the comments JoAnne.
I loved this one.
Another thing that I struggled with during the timeframe when my kids’ mom stayed at home was being blocked from things like volunteering for activities at school.
She never even asked me if I’d like to volunteer for things and would do all those things herself.
When she was forced to go back to work because we couldn’t afford to stay home any more, I got to do those things and loved it.
I’m not sure “never being asked” is the same as being “blocked.” You could’ve, you know, just expressed a desire to volunteer…