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“The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to respect the woman that gave birth to his children.” – Shannon L. Adler
No one marries with a plan that they will divorce. But sometimes—even with the best intentions that you will fulfill your wedding vows—“’til death do us part” is not achievable.
I moved out when my daughter was only five months old. Our divorce agreement dictated that her mother would have full custody, and that I would have unlimited visitation.
Now I don’t want you to think for one moment that I wasn’t nervous about parenting a five-month-old infant on my own, as a man, as an only child who did not grow up with younger siblings.
Somehow, I managed to learn how to be a single father, because I loved my little girl so much.
You will be surprised how much you can master if you are guided by love and commitment.
Even now, I look back, amazed, and wonder “How did I accomplish all that”?
My daughter spent every-other-weekend with me—along with several extended periods during the year—from the age of five months until her early twenties, when she was pregnant with her first child.
That was over thirty-five years ago, a time when fathers were not expected to be traveling alone with an infant. “Are you giving Mom an hour off”? a woman on the bus asked me. “No,” I replied. “My daughter is with me for the whole weekend.” She looked surprised.
A few years later, we took a trip to British Columbia, Canada. The Canadian Border Services Officer asked me “Do you have written permission from her mother to take her out of the country?” Fortunately, my ex-wife was at home when he phoned her. She told him that she was aware of it, and that it was fine with her.
The woman on the bus and the Canadian Border Services Officer may have never seen a single father traveling with an infant or young child. It wasn’t a common sight in the early 1990’s.
The culture did not support single Dads back then. For example, fathers didn’t have diaper changing stations in men’s bathrooms. I remember shielding my young daughter’s eyes as we walked past the urinals, then laying a blanket on the bathroom floor to change her diaper. There was no other option for us.
The general assumption at that time in history was that “fathers don’t change diapers.”
In my daughter’s lifetime, I relocated to different states twice—and different cities three times—for the sole purpose of remaining involved in her life.
I am eternally grateful that my ex-wife was always gracious about driving halfway between our two residences, which involved a 90-minute drive each way for both of us.
We would meet for a family meal at the “drop-off” location—on Fridays and again on Sundays—so that our little girl could spend time with both of her parents.
My daughter and I spoke on the phone, even in the early years when she wasn’t speaking yet.
I felt that it was important that she hear “Daddy’s voice” on a regular basis.
I visited her where she was living with her mother.
I sent her greeting cards and care packages.
We celebrated holidays and birthdays together.
I was aware of her life, I met her friends and yes, eventually, her boyfriends.
I attended her school and extracurricular events along with her mother.
I volunteered at her elementary school (three hours away) to read children’s stories to her class. I brought fresh cupcakes for her classmates. My daughter was so happy.
We spent time at home sharing meals, board games, television and movies, reading stories, gardening, caring for the six-week-old kitten that we adopted, maintaining a fresh-water aquarium, and just hanging out, happy to be together, and making the most of every moment.
We enjoyed time at shopping malls (essential when parenting a girl), restaurants, visiting family and friends, playgrounds, museums, zoos, and animal farms, festivals, fairs, and the circus, celebrating holidays with neighbors, seeing movies and live performances, and traveling the country.
We lived on the East Coast until my daughter was eleven years old, when her mother decided to move to California to be near her family.
We continued our visits, although less frequently, because now it required each of us to fly 3000 miles. We alternated which of us would travel.
My daughter began flying solo, coast-to-coast, when she was only eleven years old. I was so proud of her.
Next, I would fly to California. We stayed at the nicest hotels all over Southern California, making the most of every moment, just as we always had.
I made the decision to close down my East Coast life.
I asked myself, “Do I want to look back on this in twenty years and regret losing that precious time with my little girl?”
I moved to California two years after she did. We both have remained in California.
My ex-wife and I have remained on friendly terms for forty years. I am proud of us for always putting our daughter first. We genuinely love each other. She is my family.
One of my daughter’s early teachers told my ex-wife: “There is nothing about your daughter that would indicate that she is a child of divorce.”
Even though we divorced, we were a great team.
A special “thank you” to my adult daughter for her suggestions and insights on this narrative about the special journey she and I shared so many years ago.
I know you can do this, too. I’ve got your back. Let’s go!
- Divorce doesn’t mean that you are a failure. You are not a failure. Give yourself grace during this stressful adjustment period. Allow yourself to mourn what has been lost. Feeling overwhelmed and sad is normal. Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor if you are struggling.
- Don’t desert your children! Some fathers abandon their children after a divorce. Other fathers move so far away that consistent visits become logistically impossible. Be the exception. Yes, you will have to make adjustments, but if you focus on your love for your children, you will find ways to adapt.
- You are in uncharted territory without a compass. You will get your bearings…eventually. Practice mindfulness. Don’t ruminate about the past (it is over). Don’t worry about the future (it hasn’t happened yet). All you have is this moment. Be courageous!
- Forgive Yourself. You did your best—and even if you didn’t—your marriage just didn’t work out. Berating yourself for perceived failures in your marriage will only risk crushing your self-esteem at the very moment that you may already feel like a failure. Be kind to yourself. You can’t change the past.
- Let go of old resentments. Holding on to your anger doesn’t change anything that happened in your marriage. It is time to move on. Your children need your full attention now.
- Keep yourself healthy so that you can show up for your children. This means regular medical check-ups, even if you haven’t been diligent about your health care in the past. Practice self-care. Maintain a healthy diet and regular sleep habits.
- Yes, you Can! You can learn about bottle feeding, changing diapers, high chairs, baby foods, playpens, giving baths, dressing children, nap time, public playgrounds, strollers, and car seats, as well as traveling and eating at a restaurant with an infant or a toddler.
- History is not destiny. You can be a great father even if your father failed you or was absent from your life.You are not your father. If your parents divorced, your divorce was the result of very different circumstances. If you grew up in an abusive home, make the decision that “it ends with me!”
- Learn to say “I’m sorry” to your children when you mess up. And I promise that you will make mistakes. But demonstrating accountability and humility to your children is a powerful reminder that we all make mistakes.
- You will not be a perfect father. Not even close. But if you do your best—and ask for help when you need it—you will still be the best live-out father that you can be. Children don’t need “perfect” parents.
- Your ex-wife is not your enemy. She is the mother of your children. You loved each other once, remember? She is likely carrying the majority of the day-to-day childcare responsibilities. Thank her. Help her in any way that you can.
- Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-wife when your children are present. Give them the freedom to “discover” who their mother is for themselves. “Trash-talking” their mother only diminishes you in their eyes. That kind of behavior is “lose-lose.”
- Parent in a way that works foryou. One of the advantages of being a single father is that you can parent “your way.” Your child will adjust to the differences in parenting styles.
- Maintain a cooperative presencein the planning and hosting of birthday parties with your ex-wife. Birthdays are important milestones for children. Allowing your guests to witness you and your ex-wife working together is a powerful example of partnership and commitment.
- Pay your child support on time every month. Your ex-wife will appreciate that consistency. Don’t be a “deadbeat Dad.” Your ex-wife and children will remember that
- If your ex-wife needs you to take your child for an unscheduled period, the correct answer is always “Yes.” However, if an unexpected demand on your time conflicts, be sure to inform her ASAP, so that she can make other arrangements for childcare.
- Get in touch with your maternal side. It doesn’t make you less of a man. During our daughter’s early childhood, my ex-wife proudly told her friends that her daughter had “two mothers.”Upon hearing this, my male pride felt bruised. Was she implying that I wasn’t a man? I quickly realized, however, that she was actually praising me as a father, probably the most generous compliment that a divorced mother can give her ex-husband. “My daughter has two mothers.”
- Your children must be your #1 priority. You may not have been a fully engaged father before your divorce, but now is the time to rise to the moment.Your children are hurting. They did not choose this separation.
- Even if your child says “I hate you,” don’t be defensive or react with anger. It is better that they express their feelings, rather than “burying” them. They are frightened and confused. Reassure them that you will always love them. Above all, be patient.
- It’s not their fault. Young children may worry that the divorce is their fault. Reassure them that they did not cause the divorce, and, more importantly, that you are not leaving them.
- “Children are like sponges. ”They hear everything and notice everything, even if you are not aware of it. When you are with them, be your “best self.” Also, be deliberate and protective about the outside situations that you expose them to.
- Childhood is “time-limited,” but your children don’t know that. You will have more years with your children as adults than as young children. If you build their early childhood experiences on love, trust, and commitment, you are creating the foundation for a smooth transition to their later years.
- Become familiar with your children’s friends. At a certain age, they may want to bring a close friend or boyfriend to join your visit. Welcome them.
- Always tell your children when they will see you next. “I’ll see you in two weeks,” or “I’ll see you in five days” helps create a sense of predictability, and stability for them. It gives them something to look forward to in a world that has been turned “upside down.”
- Be on time. Be early. I would time my drive so that I would arrive at the designated meeting place before my daughter. She could feel confident that her father was waiting for her. Plan to wait for them, rather than having them wait for you. Waiting for Daddy, “wondering if he’s coming,” creates unnecessary distress for children of divorce.
- Honor your commitments to your children. You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do. Do not agree to a plan until you are certain that you can make it work with your schedule. Be a role model for your children to expect the same respect and reliability in their future relationships.
- Plan activities to create new memories with your children. During periods when you are alone, research ideas for future activities, trips, and outings. Encourage their input on planning outside activities.
- Take lots of photos and videos with your children. They will treasure them someday, reminded of the happy times you spent together. You will treasure them, too.
- Support their autonomy and uniqueness. Children will develop into who they were meant to be. Just love them, accept them, and keep them safe.
- At the end of every visit, every phone call, every FaceTime, close with “I love you,”even when they grow up. Tomorrow is never promised for any of us. When my time comes, I want the last words that my daughter hears from me to be “I love you.”
- When your children are with you, make the most of that time together. There are no “do-overs.” You can’t get that time back…ever.
Your situation may be very different from mine.
You may have several children.
Your divorce may have taken place when your children were older.
Your divorce may have been more contentious than mine was.
The logistics of your geography and your career may be more complicated and challenging.
You may have remarried.
You may have children from a different relationship.
But, if you parent from a place of love, commitment, flexibility, and acceptance, you can be a great father, no matter the circumstances.
I am 77 years old now. My daughter is a happily married woman with two children.
I am still loving the ever-evolving journey with my family, which now includes two amazing grandsons.
My wish for the divorced fathers reading this is that you can also love your beautiful, imperfect journey, and, most importantly, that you can love yourself.
Your children will be the better for it.
You will be the better for it.
I promise.
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This content is brought to you by Frank Salamone
