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Why is it so hard to override the impulse to ogle?
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I was recently at a firedance performance put on by some friends of mine, and I found myself frustrated by a weirdly reflexive attitude in my own mind. One of the dancers had what I considered to be a terrific set of breasts, and I found it actively difficult to pay attention to her dancing and meteor work. I had no actual interest in sleeping with this woman, and was much more interested in the performance, but nevertheless there was a large part of my brain insisting “But… boobs!”
Even more frustrating, another of the ladies in the show wasn’t at all to my taste, so I was able to admire her performance and her lithe musculature on a purely aesthetic level. It seems absurd that I’m able to appreciate one woman’s superb dancing, but the minute another woman comes on with a slightly differently-shaped chest, I have to actively focus on her dancing to keep my brain’s CPU cycles from just going boooooooobs and ignoring the performance.
(Boobs here serve as a kind of shorthand for all the superficial features of conventional sexual attractiveness that are too complex to enumerate in each case. Boobs are, if you will, a term of art.)
This is a frustration I’ve heard a lot of other men express, too. Even knowing how ridiculous it is, we’ll catch ourselves ogling some woman, in person or merely depicted, in the most painfully puerile way. Even when we’re actually much more interested in what she’s doing or what she’s got to say, or (in some cases) keeping our eyes on the road, there’s that part of the brain that wants to subordinate everything to checking out some woman’s bod.
Now, one can argue that some of this is biologically-driven. After all, most men are heterosexual, and we have a hormone-driven urge to reproduce via sweet, sweet lovin’. Indeed, this tendency is worse during the hormone-crazed teen years, and for that matter I’ve talked with female acquaintances who say things like “Um, rewind that scene… I missed everything he said after he took his shirt off.”
However, there’s no denying that the concept of the male gaze is supported by almost every constructed image of a woman that I’ve seen since childhood. Every advertisement, every TV show, every fashion article, every shot of a woman Michael Bay has ever composed, they’ve all been telling me that the purpose of women is to be looked at. That’s the primary, understood role of anyone who happens to be female; this is the blatant subtext of all these images.
Every time the girl character in a video game has armor that shows her cleavage while the male armor on the same class doesn’t show anything, every time a female character on a show has a costume that covers half as much skin as her male counterparts, every time someone criticizes skimpy fashions as “too sexy too soon”, it’s helped drive home that same core message: the purpose of women is to be looked at.
And the enforcement goes deeper than that. I was also taught, growing up, that my role as a man to look at women. Every joke, every image of boys and men that I saw in media, was based on this premise.
There’s something upsettingly mandatory about that. Even as the role of women is reduced to gaze-objects, so too is the role of men reduced to gazers. The concept of emotional intimacy with women, or even appreciation of women as human beings rather than sex objects, has been a subject of mockery, a hilarious sign of the failure of manliness, in too much of the culture I’ve consumed.
This creates a painful tension for men who try to be aware and educated about these issues. We know that it’s wrong and dehumanizing to reduce women to sex objects, even as we derive genuine pleasure from enjoying their beauty. And yet most of us, like me, can’t turn off the hardwired and inculcated urge to ignore the real person behind the beauty, because boobs.
That sucks coming and going. It sucks for the women who we’re unconsciously ignoring as people in favor of whatever superficial feature has caught our eye, and it sucks for us, feeling like we’re participating in a fucked-up system that we never meant to sign up for. It makes us feel shallow, and stupid, and oppressive, and that’s a lousy way to feel when you’re doing your best not to be those things.
Don’t get me wrong. I like looking at women in a sexual way. I find women really attractive, beautiful and sexy and delightful. And the women I’m involved with generally like it when I look at them in a sexual way. We all like feeling attractive and sexy, after all.
But I don’t like that it’s something I can’t fully control. I don’t like the idea that I’m so programmed, whether by my genes or by a million magazine covers, that I can’t distinguish between a woman and a transport mechanism for a pair of breasts.
Not liking it doesn’t fix the problem, of course. Resolving the underlying structures of gaze, libido, and gender in our culture is a huge job, and one that remains largely undone. We work on it as best we can day by day, but we’re all ultimately raindrops wearing away a mountain: it’ll get done, but it always takes longer than we want it to. And in the meantime, it’d be nicer if some of us could just relax and enjoy the dancing.
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This story has been republished to Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Good article. I felt the same way as a teenager. When I learned that I had a much better chance of both, ‘getting the girl’ and really wanting the girl I got, by not ogling, I was halfway there. Then, it took time to reinforce my improved, more adult behavior. As this article points out, we’re constantly stimulated by sexual images. What was it like before mass media? All they saw was what walked in front of them. Then, there was the barn dance twice a year.
This automatic response to sexual stimuli is a programmed response. It was programmed into us by a male culture that needs to change from beyond the roles we are expected to play. Changing this response requires programming as well. When this program occurs, acknowledge it has occurred and make a choice not not follow this program. Acknowledge that the person you are objectifying is a Person first and foremost and decide who you want to be in this moment – a man who objectifies women or a man who respects women – then be that man.
Or relax and enjoy the boobs. It’s a natural process. Sure, if you can’t get your mind off it, something might be needed in your mindful practice, but appreciating the sexual nature of men and women is not an issue until it’s an issue for us personally. Yes, the media is complicit, and I don’t think we’re going to “fix” this anytime soon, but really, we’re talking about men and our ability to self-direct our own thoughts. Start there. (great piece, btw, was thinking about writing something similar)
Besides, you can tell alot about a guy by what he looks at. The kind of guys I like check out long legs, and like tiny bottoms. The guys that like big breasts and large bums are not my types at all.
My advice to men; Don’t even bother hiding it. Just be bold. Men have suffered enough trying to over ride their instincts, most of which are good. This “toxic masculinity” thing is BS. Since we have decided to try and force boys to not act like b oys they have been dropping out of school in record numbers, having more health issues, more mental issues, and dying younger. Bea man, and be proud of it.
I have always said that if I could choose to be male or female in a 2nd chance at life I would be a male. Why? I would be the judge, jury and executioner rather than the judged. The male gaze sucks for women at EVERY stage of life unless she exploits the powerlessness of males in this area. Body image issues are not found in the women’s locker room, the are a response to the male gaze. It has been said that women only hate women because of men.
You must be a man. Let me tell you, being female is great. Most of the time, its not a problem to walk into a place and know every sigle guy is checking you out. Its fun, and it makes you hold your head up higher. Men protect us. Men pay for us. Men work hard to provide for us. And as for judge and jury; A woman that commits a crime is going to have about one third of the sentence that a man will. And the reason women tend to dislike other women is because women usually think… Read more »
John Anderson ~ ” Funny thing is I’ll hear women complain about men looking and when they turn 40 or put on some weight, etc. they complain about men not looking. ” That’s quite presumptuous of you to put “turn 40 or put on weight…complain about men not looking” in one sentiment. HELLO? Michelle Pfeiffer, Raquel Welch, Cheryl Tiegs. I am single by choice, well past 40, am not a celebrity, have never had any work done. Yes, I am still looked at. At the gym, at the pool, the grocery store, the post office, etc. Please stop the attitude… Read more »
Mmmm… As a gay girl, sometimes I find it hard to stop looking at some girl’s ‘boobs’ too. It’s not just a man’s problem. I’m sure other women stare at men’s bodies all the time. I think is a natural human feature. But I get your point when you say that you want to recognize the woman behind the body. Well, relax… you have the intention, the action will come along. You’re doing pretty well acknowledging that us women are not objects.
Well, how do the people who *aren’t* sucked into this deal with it. Do gay men heavily resent being looked at, do we see lesbians angry at their objectification by other women? No, and to a certain degree, those populations raise the level of ogling, and heavily invite being ogled at. There is as much gay porn accessible as straight porn, and we are a small fraction of the population. The problem here is not the irrational obsession of men with sex, especially visual sexual cues. It is not the targeting of women for purposeful reduction to the status of… Read more »
Let’s all be less wrapped up in ourselves for a second… This nonsense about ‘male gaze’ and ‘male biological instinct’ is completely contrived from mainstream, first-world culture. The author himself states that every image of a woman that he has experienced since childhood has perpetuated the ‘woman as objects to be looked at’ creation. This is all marketing. All of the gender roles, myths on sexuality, ‘men as predators’ are ingrained in us by this culture and society from birth. There is a bigger picture for us as humans. Did you ever read about indigenous cultures or tribal people in… Read more »
The most coherent comment here!
Very much agreed.
Let’s all be less wrapped up in ourselves for a second… This nonsense about ‘male gaze’ and ‘male biological instinct’ is completely contrived from mainstream, first-world culture. The author himself states that every image of a woman that he has experienced since childhood has perpetuated the ‘woman as objects to be looked at’ creation. This is all marketing. All of the gender roles, myths on sexuality, ‘men as predators’ are ingrained in us by this culture and society from birth. There is a bigger picture for us as human beings. Did you ever read about indigenous cultures or tribal people… Read more »
Here is the problem: “You have been conditioned to be ashamed of *what* you are, and you can’t escape what you ‘are’ (your basic nature) to satisfy this faulty conditioning” The solution: Accept and embrace *what* you are, acquiesce what your nature really is, and be proud of it. It’s YOU! Don’t be a jerk, but don’t cower in the fetal position in the corner either… The cause: That faulty conditioning is *only* something we find in the US and the UK – nowhere else in the civilized world. It’s a arcane relic of social conditioning left over from the… Read more »
I am relatively new to the GMP because I am involved in a relationship that I am actually trying to not screw up. One of the things that my beloved is quite serious about is that when I am with her, I am with HER. I have been kind of running without a filter for so long that I have to remember this. It takes a great deal of effort but if I actually apply myself it can be done. The old adage “I don’t care where you get your appetite as long as you are home for dinner” doesn’t… Read more »
This post has made me unlike this site on FB. I don’t like efforts to be made to feel bad because I appreciate the physical beauty of a woman. Nor do I like what feels to me like a chaste ethical cleanse. Don’t get me wrong, I oppose objectification of women and use of them as sex symbols and nothing more, but that’s not what this is.
Do you really think the media has taught us to look at women in that way? Do you not think the media is responding to the fact that men do look that way, and therefore that’s what sells? I remember seeing a conpiracy theorist lecture. He’d noticed that mythological characters like pagan deities turned up in the names of big companies, and he thought this was part of a conspiracy to, I don’t know, subliminally indoctrinate us into some ancient cult. The more obvious answer would have been, that most of us, with any sort of cultural knowledge, were already… Read more »
“Do you really think the media has taught us to look at women in that way? Do you not think the media is responding to the fact that men do look that way, and therefore that’s what sells?”
Tribal men all over the world would agree that your are taught to think breats are sexual, and to look at women like that. Even many of our ancestrals would say so. The same goes for Americans and their aversion for the male body (as a place for beauty).
Ironically, a lot of this conversation is guilty of the same mindset that it’s criticizing. In virtually every message here, the man is acting and doing something, while the woman is being acted upon passively as just an object. Even people critical of objectification are objectifying women. In this conversation, it sounds like women’s feelings are simply planted in their heads by men Notice all the passive verb constructions that people fall into. People “are bombarded” or “are threatened by” or “have been brainwashed” or “have been socialized.” Individual responsibility just evaporates with that kind of language, and all reactions… Read more »
Amen. It’s extremely common to play on women’s hypoagency and treat them as objects being acted upon, playing up their vulnerability. It’s actually a play on emotions to inspire protective instincts in others, especially men who are portrayed as acting upon the helpless lil angelic women who do no wrong. These fragile women cannot possibly handle being looked at and it’s up to men to make sure they’re treating them with the lightest touch for fear of damaging dear lady. Exaggerating a lil of course but you get the point, I think it’s does a disservice to women to so… Read more »
Thanks for your honest take on this. As a mother to two teenage boys, this subject is certainly on my mind. It’s impossible to escape the barrage of media images, many of them unnaturally altered by Photoshop, of women as sexual objects. I think that’s at the crux of the problem. We are all sexual beings. We would die off as a species if we weren’t. The damage is done when we’re viewed as objects and not people. So while it’s normal and healthy for men and women to admire the appearance of the opposite sex, we have far to… Read more »
Awesome article! I’ve been thinking about this same issue a lot, and I think another piece of the puzzle is how much conscious attention and morality we put on it. We’re hardwired to quickly notice food, threats, and reproduction. If it were just the genes, we would look and linger on boobs about as much as we do when we see fruit, which isn’t very much. But, we don’t go “oh god, I’m staring at that apple! I’m horrible for doing it! Should I be staring? Oh what’s wrong with me?” Or, conversely “hehehe, look at that apple! Look at… Read more »
“And yet most of us, like me, can’t turn off the hardwired and inculcated urge to ignore the real person behind the beauty, because boobs.” Speak for yourself, I find that idea to be disgusting. When I look at women and their cleavage, I STILL SEE A WOMAN, I am looking at part of a woman and I’ll look around her body, spend a lot of time reading body language, looking at her face and eyes, first few moments will be pretty physical and the next will be wishing I had the courage to ask her out or wondering what… Read more »
This is a great article because it’s not saying the sexual desire is wrong, but the way you express it is important. It’s okay to look at a woman as a sexual being and as desirable as long as you don’t forget there’s a person in that body who’s capable of feelings and thought. That’s the problem with our society and these subliminal media messages. We’re telling young men that there’s a time for women to be people and a time for them to be sexualized and that the two don’t overlap. The truth is that they do overlap and… Read more »
“On the other hand, girls are often shown images of men in films and television where their sexuality correlates with their personality. Why can’t we do that with young men too?”
I’ve seen a lot of women who’s personality correlates with their sexuality? Can you expand further on what you mean?
Noah, I really appreciate your honest and most of all, your awareness.
I never considered the programming involved. I’m always so insulted if a man I’m with looks another woman up and down…I make it mean they’d rather be with that person. I own up to my story and am patient when it happens once in a while….even will point out a beautiful woman to my partner…but when it’s a habit or they look past me mid sentence, I can’t help but feel like chopped liver.
Great article. Great subject!
Hmmm. But at the same time, it is women and gay men who are most likely to think of someone else while they are actually together with the person they claim to want to be with. I think this is a game. I think we have assigned enforcing monogamy to women as a chore, because they are actually the ones who do best when it is relaxed. In our biologically natural state we are polygynous, and the majority of men never get to breed or own anything, while almost every woman marries, and the wives share in the alpha-male’s property.… Read more »
” In our biologically natural state we are polygynous, and the majority of men never get to breed or own anything, while almost every woman marries, and the wives share in the alpha-male’s property.” Eh, no, it is not in our ‘biologically natural state’. In our biologically natural state we don’t even have properties, even less marry – marriage is a social construction. As far as we know, we as humans would naturally mate (monogamously) for a short period of time; the male stays with the female while she is pregnant, and probably takes care of her. After she gives… Read more »
Men have enough shaming from feminist, we do not need to be shamed by other men for our sexuality. If we are not looking then women would not know we were interested. If a women shows no interest in you then you know, shes not interested. Period. Its feminist controlling our sexuality with guilt, because they are too lazy to show what they find as an unattractive male (this is subjective) that she is uninterested. If a good looking male (this is subjective) is gazing then they have no problem with it. We as a species have not developed esp… Read more »
Good article. I wrestle with the ogling as well. There’s nothing wrong with admiring someone’s body, as long as you are polite about it. Eyes up here, etc. Treat people like they are people, not objects for your pleasure, and you’ll be all right.
I wonder why men are bombarded by these images. I mean, it’s one thing to notice and appreciate both beautiful women and men. It’s another to be bombarded. Maybe it comes from a notion that sex sells, and since the sellers have historically been hetero men, you use women to sell — attract attention to the product. But then women come to be defined as just sexual. And an off a lot of women don’t like being reduced to “only sexual.” They complain and men feel guilty. But that tension could make the compulsion even stronger. That’s not to say… Read more »
@ Broadblogs
“I wonder why men are bombarded by these images.”
Very astute observation. When people talk about porn use and porn addiction, they note that people become desensitized to it so the stimulus needs to get more extreme to have an effect. How do you think this impacts male perception?
To clarify, I don’t mean porn use, but the constant bombardment of sexualized female images.
An amazing amount of these images are designed to sell…to women. It turns out that everyone loves the female bod.
Actually Hank, men’s and women’s magazines use very different idealogies of photographing women to “sell”. They are not sold exactly the same way. And it’s not simply done because “everyone loves the female bod.” And I personally think that is very dangerous idealogy to believe. When someone like Jenny McCarthy does a spread for Cosmo, it is under a very different context then when it’s done for Playboy. I am not claiming that the Cosmo is somehow less shallow, but simply the approach is different when trying to appeal to women vs men. The images that are sold of women,… Read more »
Erin, I tend never to look at either type of magazine. Yes, because I feel manipulated by them. Yes, I do see the distinction you make. I didn’t like the sexual images in Playboy, even when younger because I felt my own sense of sexuality was generated internally. I went through a period of porn-consumption in my early 60’s because I needed the kick-start. That had the feeling of being fetish-dependent and wasn’t entirely comfortable. My fetish, probably to be expected in a sociologist, was the violation of social rules around sexuality. In my late 60s, now, it holds few… Read more »
My answer — we want men to feel like they have rules to break. Men who won’t break rules, or intrude on other men’s prerogatives are not so useful as warriors or economic engines. Cheating is part of the rules, just so that no one can feel like they really understand them.
We are encouraged to constantly think about taking other people’s spouses, or to think about taking from women their right to choose their spouses, so that we get good enough at thinking about taking things from people.
Good points. As a spiritually aware man, I am aware of the dangers of male lust and how men objectify women. I sometimes hate this lustful part of myself that sexually objectifies women. I wish there was a pill like a reverse Viagra that men could take which could somehow eliminate the male sex drive. I am totally respectful of atheists and agnostics but many men who become devout Christians or Buddhists seek ways to eliminate their lust and at the very least are aware of their lustful male gaze at women. I have attended 12 step programs like sex… Read more »
From reading the comments to this article, it leads me to think that there is still a very large communication gap for men and women to bridge. It sounds like many of the male comments fall into the, “Hey, I’m a man and it’s natural to want to look,” and underestimate the discomfort some women feel when being looked at. On the flipside it sounds like some women assume they know what men are thinking when they are being looked at, and assume the worst. I think Noah has cleverly stirred a needed debate. Men need better, and more nuanced… Read more »
Yes, there is a lot of opaqueness and it usually starts with the self.
We know that we all are well practiced at self deception. Some say this ability is itself a requirement for deceiving others convincingly. As Constanza claimed on Seinfeld: “If you really believe it, it’s not a lie…”
As Focault wrote: Knowledge is not made for understanding; it is made for cutting….through the Constanza -:)
There is knowledge-power, but, contra Foucault, there is knowledge too.
If knowledge is powe, and power corrupts, then doesn’t that mean that knowledge corrupts?
Absolutely!