Ella Hicks, founder of a thriving community of abuse survivors, asks respectfully for good men to step up their game.
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My mission in life is merely not to survive, but to thrive;
and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.
—Maya Angelou
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Dear Good Men,
My name is Ella. It’s not actually my real name, which I must keep protected because I’m a survivor of abuse. But it’s how everyone knows me now. Just over three years ago I founded a movement—now over 60K strong—that helps survivors become “thrivers,” and you can find us over at Rebel Thriver on Facebook.
We believe we’ve arrived at a place where it is safe to have the open conversations needed to come closer together as men and women, and to speak our truth with the sole purpose of building a better bridge of communication.
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Today I am writing you good men an open letter, on behalf of many other enlightened women with whom I work daily and whose collective input is reflected here. I would like to start by telling you that we know you exist; and we don’t lump you in the “all men” category. That would not be fair, and we surely wouldn’t want you to do that to us. As we walk this planet together, so many of us feel we’ve been missing a connection—and missing it for far too long. And we believe we’ve arrived at a place where it is safe to have the open conversations needed to come closer together as men and women, and to speak our truth with the sole purpose of building a better bridge of communication.
So what do enlightened women, by whom I mean women who have done the work, dealt with their baggage, and gotten their acts together, need from male partners?
♦◊♦
Imagine having to give up everything you know to extricate yourself from a man’s control so you and your children can survive. Imagine walking away from your home, your friends, your colleagues, and a kick-ass career. Imagine abandoning an entire life and having to start over.
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Connecting with women daily through the forum of Rebel Thriver, I have spent countless hours conducting primary research on this subject. I am a single mother and a survivor of domestic violence. I managed to escape a situation in which millions of women—and many men, too—suffer. Reason might lead most people to think that as a result of my hardships I have an axe to grind, that I am intensely bitter and have lost all faith in men. That would make sense wouldn’t it? Imagine having to give up everything you know to extricate yourself from a man’s control so you and your children can survive. Imagine walking away from your home, your friends, your colleagues, and a kick-ass career. Imagine abandoning an entire life and having to start over. I wish I could say I am an isolated case, but sadly I am not. My journey is all too typical and parallels the stories of countless women who have joined the Rebel Thriver tribe.
Within Rebel Thriver, I run a support group for women who are all survivors. The truth is that no one gets through this life without surviving something, whatever it may be. Our members come from across the globe: different continents, countries, religions, educational, and socio-economic backgrounds. We unite as women to support each other and help each other grow as we continue on through our life journeys. Many of us are single mothers faced with the challenge of raising boys into men without the model of a father in the home. This is excruciatingly hard work, and we need good men to help us.
We hold growth paramount and work hard daily to become the women that we need to be—strong, independent, responsible, self-respecting—and to be able to give again, despite our losses, in a new relationship.
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What does that help entail? In a nutshell, we need you to step it up. Hold on. That’s not an insult. It’s a call to action. A call to a higher standard of conduct. I know our struggles have made us stronger and wiser, and we have chosen to embrace forgiveness to heal. We hold growth paramount and work hard daily to become the women that we need to be—strong, independent, responsible, self-respecting—and to be able to give again, despite our losses, in a new relationship. These are not easy steps to take if you walk in our shoes, but we have all made the decision to thrive in spite of our circumstances, and we focus relentlessly on moving forward.
♦◊♦
Many of us are single mothers faced with the challenge of raising boys into men without the model of a father in the home. This is excruciatingly hard work, and we need good men to help us.
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It’s easy to say to someone, “Step it up”, but what exactly does it mean? It means get better at doing the things we need to do to maintain healthy relationships and to align around a shared understanding of what it means to be healthy. The first area we desperately need to improve is communication. So often men and women seem to speak a different language, but our needs are similar. Often, women tend towards emotional expression while men lean towards the analytical. But the message may be identical. In addition, familiarity results in our thinking we know what the other person will say, causing us to stop listening and hearing each other. Men often complain that their emotions never get their full due. We want to know what you’re feeling. We need to know what you’re feeling. A more soulful and present connection is first on our list of needs.
So often men and women seem to speak a different language, but our needs are similar.
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As I researched for this letter I found that most men respond better to a list. You prefer bullet points from women that give you a clear map of what to do. Women on the other hand usually don’t speak in bullet points, unless we’re making a work presentation. We express a feeling that may translate into a request or a need, and we expect you to understand intuitively what we want. But that doesn’t always happen. So in the interest of clarity, I’ve created a bulleted list of our needs, which reflects the hurdles we’ve already cleared to get where we are today.
1. Resolve Your Past
- Make peace with any childhood traumas that linger.
- Accept that you are not what happened to you.
- Resolve any conflict from your previous relationships.
- Have an awareness of yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes again.
- Know who you are and don’t define your identity around us.
2. Forgiveness & Acceptance
- Learn to forgive yourself at a core level so that you will know self-acceptance and self-love.
- Know how to communicate and resolve conflict.
- Be able to let go and move on.
- Don’t use us as the therapist for your unresolved issues. We don’t expect you to do this for us.
3. Healthy Relationships
- Acceptance us as your partner, including our past.
- Respect our independence in the relationship and allow us to have our own interests and identities.
- Maintain healthy relationships with others such as your own children, family, friends, and co-workers.
- Build a foundation of friendship.
- Acknowledge that safety must never be a concern in a relationship.
- Show us that you value us with your actions. (Chivalry is not dead).
- Understand the difference between sex and affection. Not all women are the same. Be comfortable enough to talk openly about intimate issues so we can both have our needs met.
- Understand that strength is NOT control…we want a partner not a master.
- Commit to the relationship with unwavering loyalty and fidelity.
4. Blended Families
- Accept that our children are a part of the package. They come with us and are the most precious people to us.
- Realize that our children may have experienced the same traumas as we have. They may have trust and self-esteem issues.
- Commit to being patient and gentle in your approach when addressing them as we all navigate new waters.
- Understand that our bond with our child is strong and it may take time to develop your relationship with them.
- Try to love them as your own. We want to build a life with you inclusive of all of our children. It may not always be easy, but it is a worthy goal.
5. Life Outlook
- Keep a positive outlook. Your thoughts influence your actions, so choose them wisely.
- Be self-possessed with a defined purpose.
- Strive to make the people in your life happy.
- Live your life with clear intention and purpose.
- Understand that life is a succession of lessons and be open to growth and change.
- Know that it is in giving that you receive.
- Have a sense of humor and please be able to laugh at yourself.
- Do what you love.
- Live with compassion.
- Love us with abandon unfettered by fear or conditions.
♦◊♦
If we, as women, can make the transition to be whole and present in a relationship, then we can also ask the same of you. We know you can do it. And we need you to meet us where we are.
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All this boils down to having a good sense of yourself, your values, and how your history has affected your beliefs. We need you to know how to manage conflict, and we want to understand your preferred style of communication so we can have a healthy dialogue. Knowing what you want out of life and where you are headed, coupled with a willingness to address challenges in an open and honest way is a great foundation for a relationship. When two people with different life stories come together it is no small task, but if we, as women, can make the transition to be whole and present in a relationship, then we can also ask the same of you. We know you can do it. And we need you to meet us where we are.
With Love & Respect,
Ella Hicks
Photo—J E Theriot/Flickr