I was talking to a friend the other day. We were commiserating in a coffee shop. He’d just been through yet another breakup with a woman he felt he’d loved. They’d been together about six months when it all seemed to simply melt away. Again. As usual, the break was more his doing than hers.
“What happened,” I asked?
He explained that they’d been having a fantastic time together. They seemed compatible in many ways. But he came to a point where his desire to stay engaged in the relationship simply sagged. He couldn’t put his finger on it; he’d just lost interest. It didn’t take too long for her to pick up on his flagging enthusiasm. This triggered her instincts of emotional self-preservation, causing her to withdraw as well.
The result was another breakup for my friend; a worthy and sincere man in every way – just like the woman he’d left.
“Sometimes I wish there was a third gender,” he said. “I’m not attracted to men and I don’t seem to be having much luck with women.” We both laughed. After catching up on other things, we hugged and departed.
Walking away, I thought about what he’d said. A third gender. He may be on to something. What if there were something like that? What would that look like? It didn’t take long from there to get … weird.
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The good news is two-fold: first, there’s no third gender. It wouldn’t do any good if there were, because the issue isn’t with the women in my friend’s life. Secondly, when we’re in a situation like this, we can act as if there is. The third gender, my consciously masculine friend, is Conscious Connection to the Self.
What does that even mean?
Conscious Connection to the Self has been taught for as long as man has been in existence. This is an oversimplification, but once the First Agricultural Revolution began many thousand years ago, we started losing the art of that connection. These days there are literally thousands of methods and teachings on the subject. To some, the result is the attainment of a deeper spirituality through the adoption of a more mystic worldview. This was the case for me. But whatever the method, it must involve the implementation of practices to make us more present because that’s where the key observations about what’s going on inside ourselves occur: in the present. The goal is to empower the process of going inward in the moment while simultaneously increasing our skill in observing the self from a higher perspective. The outcome is an increased ability to effectively participate in the “out there” because they’ve made peace with the “in here”.
In the final analysis, he’s like an addict and his drug is “new relationship”. It might as well be heroin.
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What a bunch of New Age mumbo jumbo. Unless it’s not. The only way to tell is through personal experience.
What I’d tell my friend is that there’s a reason he keeps finding himself in these situations. I mean, we all know it’s not the women alone. No one’s perfect, but the women he’s serially in new relationship with are as beautiful inside as they are outside. They all have spiritual practices, every one of them. Some are serious yoga instructors. There’s been a life coach, an acupuncturist and a couple nurses. He had a significant relationship with a world class athlete and even a professional spiritual teacher. Not that any of these titles mean much by themselves, but the rest of us are in awe of the caliber of people that he’s the opportunity to get to know on the level of relationship.
And he’s no slouch, either. He’s dedicated to his own consciousness practices and accomplished therein. Every time he finds someone new, we all feel that they’re both very lucky and we’re always hopeful for both their benefits. They glow for a while, and then… they don’t.
I guess we all have our processes, don’t we?
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What I want to tell my lucky-in-love buddy is to take a break. Pretend that there is a third gender and use the practices at his disposal to develop a deeper relationship to Himself, the sacred part of him. The one that can see the needy, smaller self for what it is: namely, needy and smaller. The Sacred Self can see from a higher perspective what’s really going on. This Self might well observe that his behavior is the result of some event that occurred in his childhood. That’s neither a cop-out nor an excuse for further misbehavior; it’s merely a possibility and an opportunity for growth. Victims of trauma, real or imagined, often create a story to give the event some kind of meaning. Judging from what I see, his story probably has components of self-completion to it, as in, he’s “not enough alone”. It may say that he needs a partner, or that God wants him to be a partner, or a real man can handle marriage, or manhood is best expressed in partnership, or “I can do this far better than my Dad ever thought of doing relationship”. Whatever it is, the story undoubtedly worked – and works – for a while.
But then it causes pain because the story isn’t fit for an adult. It’s run it’s course. It’s like trying to hide in a cardboard box. It works when you’re small enough to fit inside.
So why can’t he see this?
That’s a good question. The answer has a “forest for the trees” quality to it, undoubtedly. In fact, I think he does see it. In fact, we’ve talked about it from time to time. But when he’s triggered, he forgets.
Why?
Simple. He hasn’t made peace with the Third Gender yet. For all his dedication to his soul, when that woman that looks like she’d be a perfect completion to his life walks through his door, that one that would fit into and complement everything he holds dear, his terrific dedication to being single crumbles like the estate of Ozymandius.
So what’s wrong with a partner that’s a complement to all those wonderful things? Not one thing, as long as he’s paid the price – and it is a price – to more consistently inhabit the One Who Sees rather than the smaller, needier version of that One. As it stands, ironically and tragically, these beautiful women are a trigger for him. Until he finds a healthier way of dealing with these triggers, my good friend is on the not-so-merry-go-round of serial heartbreak as both cause and recipient.
So, what does he do?
Like I mentioned above, he goes inside. I know my friend’s spiritual practice has room to include meditation, a sure-fire way to at least loosen the grasp of the Needy on his mind. He’s also in the position of being able to spend time in solitude, and I don’t mean with a clicker in one hand and a beer in the other. Maybe a 10-day silent meditation would help, as long as he didn’t come away thinking he’s suddenly cured. (Knowing him, he’d somehow come out of it with a girlfriend). It may be a consistent men’s group or a renewed emphasis on his spiritual practices. A life coach may help, or he may simply need me to step up as his friend, talk to him like the brother he is to me and offer to be at his beck and call when he feels triggered.
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In the final analysis, he’s like an addict and his drug is “new relationship”. It might as well be heroin. He’ll probably always be triggered by beautiful women. They’re a temporary fix to a scared little boy inside his beautiful adult self. This is absolutely no problem as long as he knows this and loves himself enough to simply admire, maybe even befriend, women – and to keep it at that for the time being. In other words, to see the trigger for what it is. And that takes time, practice, presence, patience and consciousness.
My friend is a great man, and so talented. He’s helped hundreds of people in his life and is genuinely respected by many. When I think of him I smile and wish him all the happiness in the world. But this may be the fight of his life. It may literally define his mortal experience one day.
Do you have a friend like this? I have a few.
Maybe it’s time to take them aside and tell them… and maybe ourselves… that until we make peace with this mythical third gender, lasting relationships with the other two genders is going to be an uphill battle.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
It’s unclear whether he really wants a long term relationship. Nothing wrong with that, but it can be unfair to the other person if he is playing the boyfriend role for several months before losing interest. He should be honest upfront that he’s a “rambling man” and seek relationships only with women who are similarly inclined.
Not a third gender, but a third choice beyond single and looking, or married. Perhaps the friend is still a man trying to mold himself around social expectation which declares that we are incomplete without a woman to be responsible for? He is obviously doing the same thing over and over and with the same results. Yes? Perhaps the friend is just seeking argument in light of reality, that reality is that he truly does not “need” a woman to make him complete (women laid the groundwork for this realization long, long ago). He seem happiest with is singular status,… Read more »
DJ writes: Is that not the mantra of this men’s movement? No more rules? No more expectations based upon gender, or the needs of the other? is that not what women declared in their movement? Again I ask, when does the real liberation begin, when does liberation by the numbers (as written by all but those heterosexual men)end and true male liberation begin? >>> Great questions, DJ. Many years ago, Gloria Steinem declared that a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. And she was right! Plenty of women, including her, chose to avoid long-term pair bonding… Read more »