Stereotypes are damaging to both men and women. Thomas Fiffer offers a simple way to stop, reframe, and rethink some of the assumptions we make about men. And it works the other way, too.
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Recently, we’ve published some terrific articles here on The Good Men Project about the ways our culture stereotypes men.
James Michael Sama listed 10 of the most common, and we also compiled a list from our own editorial team.
You can read those articles to see the examples, but you won’t find most of them surprising. The surprising thing is that we continue to perpetuate these assumptions instead of digging deeper for truth—and by we, I mean men as well as women.
So can we—and again, I mean both men and women—learn to stop stereotyping men?
Here’s a trick I came up with that short-circuits our impulse to see a man’s behavior as stereotypically male and label him as a typical example of his gender. It works the other way, too, but since we’re The Good Men Project, I’m offering it here as a way to break male stereotypes.
Here it is:
Imagine that the man you’re stereotyping is a woman.
That’s it.
It’s that simple.
A useless exercise, you might say. A silly little mind game. But take a look at these three examples to see how well it works in practice.
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A useless exercise, you might say. A silly little mind game. But take a look at these three examples to see how well it works in practice.
1. A man woman opens a door for you and lets you go ahead, or helps you with a heavy load. Is he she being sexist—or merely courteous and helpful?
2. A father mother forgets to pack her child’s school lunch, or her child has an accident at the playground. Is he she an incompetent parent—or just a mom who made a mistake or whose kid fell off the swing?
3. A male female driver slows down and gives a handsome, well-dressed man on the street a thumbs up and shouts, “Lookin’ fine!” Is he she making him a sex object—or merely paying him a compliment?
Sure, there are men who believe women aren’t capable of doing things for themselves.
And there are forgetful and inattentive fathers.
And there are men who sexualize and objectify women.
And my point here is not, NOT ALL MEN.
My point is that to break down stereotypes, it helps to separate the behaviors we associate with those stereotypes from the person engaging in those behaviors. Only then can we see the behaviors and the person for what and who they truly are.
Photo—Jesse757/Flickr
Thank you, Mr. Fiffer, for a great post. I devoured it, the moment the page fully loaded!
And, it is one that I would reread, and often.
I AM big believer in the power of Mindfulness, and this post certainly makes one Mindful.
Also, I fully agree with OirishM, some people do not want their stereotypes (or, for that matter, long-held beliefs, be they stereotypes, or other kinds of beliefs) challenged.
Thank you, again, and have a beautiful day.
A shockingly simple way to stop stereotyping men? How about by not referring to them as objects in categories in lists?
I don’t know if it was intended that way or not, but I actually think number three is still inappropriate regardless of the gender combo involved. I can understand something like “Nice Hat” or “great tie” if the item of clothing involved caught the person’s eye, and I can understand something like “looking sharp” if they’re passing you on the sidewalk, but the word “Fine” does seem to imply a sexual connotation and slowing down adds to the creep factor for me at any rate. It may not be something one should be condemned forever over, but if the person… Read more »
Eh. #2, if she’s a single mother, most likely people will think “what an incompetent parent” but I definitely see what you’re saying. (Because it’s ridiculous to assume that men can’t be competent and good fathers. This isn’t an ironic/sarcastic statement. It is *ridiculous* to think that just because one is a man, they’re shit at parenting. I *hate* that trope in tv/movies.) But for number 3? I don’t actually think that’s cool no matter your gender. Being yelled at from a car is never a compliment. (Neither is being growled at. Why would someone think that’s flattering? Why? It’s… Read more »
3. A male female driver slows down and gives a handsome, well-dressed man on the street a thumbs up and shouts, “Lookin’ fine!” Is he she making him a sex object—or merely paying him a compliment?
Bad example.
‘And my point here is not, NOT ALL MEN.’
While I’m glad you wrote more than that, it is enough to say ‘not all men’ to refute some of these stereotypes. That statement gets backlash because people who stereotype men do not want their statements to be challenged.
And yet these behaviors–maybe not the individual exercising those behaviors–is (or always will be) sexist on some level if perpetrated by a man towards a woman. This is because of the very real history behind gendered stereotypes, systemic power, and violence behind those actions. That history cannot be ignored even when we hold women culpable for gendered stereotyping (i.e.-doing the same thing as a man [like those examples presented here]). Asking readers to ignore that history via a simple “trick” like the one in this editorial would be tantamount to asking Black people to ignore the history behind the n*… Read more »
Janne, Are you saying it is sexist on some level today for a man to open a door for a woman or offer to carry a heavy load for her, simply because there is a history of men oppressing women? The flip side of that would say, men shouldn’t do those courteous things now, because they have lingering sexist implications. My point is that I don’t want my range of behavior as a man to be limited by stereotypes, even if those stereotypes are attached to past truths. The analogy to Blacks doesn’t hold, because the use of a derogatory… Read more »
Thanks for the reply! I am, indeed, saying the actions could be perceived as sexist (not necessarily the intent) because of that history. To hold the door open or open it for an individual who is behind you (or carrying a large or unwieldy burden) is courteous; to hold the door open for an individual because of their gender is sexist. I don’t expect, nor do I perform such actions (like opening a door) simply because of my gender…and neither should anyone else! I think the analogy I used is valid (surprise, surprise) because the word became derogatory not because… Read more »
Thomas,
your last few articles have been real energised. what has caused this, it’s cool
Society will not stop doing this until we stop seeing men as broken women, iow, “If only he was more like a woman”.
Great Article. I agree that men are often viewed and broken women and women viewed as unfocused, emotionally indulgent men. I imagine a world where we just look at one man and one woman and respond (rather than react) to that person as they are…not as a stereotype or a past disappointment or whatever.