My mental health was dancing on a pin needle. Every time I raised a leg to turn a twist or continue my jig. I would pierce the soles of my feet and bleed a little more.
I was still a man but still felt isolated and alone. Which was the catch-22. Isolating myself in order to find my protection. But that had turned me into a hermit who only felt alive when I was alone. And not worried about who was behind me.
I even started to question what was a man. The fear I felt and continued to feel made me believe I was just a small child again.
Existing was the only perceivable talent I could exhibit. But my terror was still so high. Surely a man would have overcome these concerns and trembles. A real man would have simply just walked away without even a concern, right?
I was lost inside my continuum it was one pit trap after another. And I had no idea what to do to pull myself out of the last pit in my journey. I finally opened up and spoke to the people who could help others.
Spoke to the President of the College. The President listened and seemed to care but he then referred me to speak to the Head of Security.
I call him and leave a message.
After 30 minutes he calls me back. His attitude is “if I have to listen to this pansy, then whatever, I will”. He even goes as far to tell me that it was a big nothing–no one was injured. As I try to explain to him that even though no one was shot or hurt that does not change the fact that we were all in terror.
That 14 people in an office thought that at any moment we would die. We cannot go back in time and erase the horrors of leaving behind loved ones. Those thoughts do not matter if a gun was discharged or left holstered. Those thoughts still exist. Loved ones had to contemplate what they would say to another about their parting. An action plan had to be created to deal with this idiotic desire for someone to feel powerful.
Illustration by author. Used with permission.
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