The title of this piece came to me, as is often the case, in my sleep. I knew it to be Truth (with a capital T) since I have been immersed in that dynamic for the past several years. It began in the darkest depths of the pandemic when I was required to create an abnormal routine that involved having handy, on the rare occasions I left my house at the onset, a mask and hand sanitizer. It meant having other people do grocery shopping for me, since I was considered part of a high risk group, with cardio-vascular conditions and when I did it myself, I felt a panic rising the first few times I entered the store.
Normally, I would have been conversational with people, then I felt threatened by the possibility that they could be carrying those pesky spiky looking critters that would jump on me, especially if they were cavalierly unmasked. I sprayed my shoes with Lysol when I got home and sometimes even changed my clothes. I don’t know if that made a difference, but COVID didn’t catch up to me until April/May of 2022. I firmly believe that because I was vaxxed and boosted, it was a mild case. That, combined with Paxlovid, kicked the virus to the curb.
While I was sequestered at home, I saw my therapy clients via telehealth, I communicated with family and friends via phone, Facetime and Zoom. Sometimes, I met up with them outside, at a distance. The hardest part was missing my son, daughter in law and few months old grandson who I had been used to seeing nearly every day after he was born. You would never think you would miss changing diapers until you can’t. I missed hugs, in particular since I had been on the FREE HUGS ride since 2014.
I quit my gym and instead, created a workout routine at home. Recumbent bike, yoga mat, exercise ball and hand weights provided a little bit of exercise, admittedly, not as intense at as ‘The Judgement Free Zone’ (Planet Fitness) where I had been doing for five or six years prior. I took walks in my neighbor and had a realization on beautiful sunny days, that if I didn’t know that there was a virus rampaging through the world, I could have truly enjoyed immersing in nature.
I had gotten accustomed to this way of living, all the while, praying that we would shift back into some semblance of ‘normalcy’ in which we could fully be with our fellow human beings. At this point, now more than three years after the onset, I am experiencing that. I go to work in my office, don’t wear a mask, go to restaurants and movie theaters and have returned to offering hugs in public. I rejoined my gym and go there 3-5 times a week, depending on my schedule. Two things I have not done; flown in an airplane and gone back to offering a workshop called Cuddle Party which brings people into close proximity for three or more hours.
Even though I can go out and do things, often I don’t. I don’t have the energy, stamina or even, desire, at times. I choose carefully where I go and with whom. My eclectically decorated home feels like my haven. Even since the pandemic ‘officially ended,’ only a few people have crossed the threshold. In the past, there would have been friends and family coming and going. This October, as I turn 65, I am inviting them over to celebrate my milestone birthday with me. It will be the first time I have seen some of them since 2020.
This social butterfly has folded her wings for a bit.
Added to this dynamic is the insidious and ongoing political upheaval in the world. Why can’t people just play nicely in the sandbox? I have written copious amounts for various publications referencing the state of the nation. I have sat with my judgement of my fellow citizens who choose to buy into a false narrative and were willing to put lives at risk to stand by it and the person spearheading it. I have raged at the rights that have been stripped away. I have feared even more being torn asunder. I listen with trepidation, the reports of the escalating climate crisis. I fear for the future of the planet for my grandchildren. My older grandson now has a baby sister who was born right after the family contracted COVID. Blessedly, she has been free of it.
My life is simpler than it was ‘in the before times’. I am coming to realize that my previous incarnation in which I was a high energy, social butterfly, go-getter, sleep deprived Type A+ overachiever has given way to someone who has slowed down considerably, and has finally gotten the concept that Lisa Nichols introduced me to many years ago, when she spoke in NJ, to attract and not pursue what I desire. It still involves seed planting and putting legs under my visions, but then…surrendering outcome.
Some of what I feel is painted with anxiety and full blown terror. I was accustomed to certainty, or what passed for it. As I am getting older, there is less that I know for sure. I am needing to live on faith and not just facts. I am doing my best to trust that all will work out better than I fear.
Just for today, I am immersed in the familiarity of listening to my favorite radio show called Sleepy Hollow on WXPN, will go to the gym and then have dinner with a long time (since the 1980s) friend at a farm to table restaurant that just opened in our area.
May you experience comfort wherever you can.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
