Dad Attitude: Our Inner Worlds
Comedian Jim Gaffigan quips that now as a parent, he understands why his father always looked defeated in family vacation photos. Gaffigan is a father of five children of his own, but judging from his profession, he’s able to laugh off the challenges of parenting.
So why is it so difficult for the rest of us to do that? Why do we fathers tend toward anger before happiness? I’m speaking here from self-observation; how I often struggle with managing my anger. If you’re like me, you might get easily frustrated with your work-life balance, your children’s behavior, the ups and downs of married life, or simply the driver in front of you, taking their time turning right. We all get ticked off, but if you sometimes find it difficult to stave off the irritants, we can all develop better ways to process this powerful emotion that can sometimes lead to our undoing.
My best friend (and life coach), Alex, helped me with this topic on a recent coaching session. He asked me to remember a specific time when I was completely happy, at ease, and in balance with myself and my family. What came to mind was a recent family vacation. He asked me to specifically remember what I was doing and how I felt in those moments.
The details of the time and place, he reminded me, weren’t as important as how I was feeling in that glimmering moment. What were you doing then? he asked me, What were you saying?
As Happy Vacation Dad, I was being spontaneous, goofy, and unhindered by time. You can be that person anytime you want, he said, even when it’s just an ordinary day, or when you’re trying to get your kids to eat or put them to bed.
Sounds easy, right? The shift from Happy Vacation Dad to Mad Dad is built on the simple notion that getting mad is easier than maintaining happiness. Mark Twain wrote that we are happiness and sadness machines that will always default to the negative in most situations.
For men, add to this the fact that from an early age, we’re taught to bottle up our emotions and eschew vulnerability. Our negative emotions can go deep into our psyches and often manifest later as other things: more anger, or a physical reaction (i.e. punching something or someone).
What’s been helping for me, is to make time for physical activity. I joined a kickboxing gym and have found that punching and kicking the bags does wonders for my mind (and body). Men need a physical release of our energy. We literally need to let off steam. Whatever that looks like for you, do it early and often. And when you can’t channel your anger in a safe physical way, imagine that other man you know. The one that’s happy, playful, and owning every minute. Think of him and be him.
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Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash