The best thing about my last relationship was playing with my girlfriend’s son, Tommy. He was five years old and a born warrior. He loved lightsaber battles, wrestling and one-die D&D games, but most of all he loved being thrown on the bed. I would pick him up by the arm, leg or throat (very carefully), holler something in japanese, and slam him into the mattress. “MITSUBISHI!!!” I would scream while I chokeslammed him, and he would burst into giggles as he bounced two or three times. Meanwhile, his mother would be somewhere between pleading with me to stop and praying to the gods to stop us. (It’s really not as horrible as it sounds. I promise.)
This little scene reminds me of something really profound that a friend of mine said. “Women want to protect a child’s vulnerabilities,” he said, “but men want to push their boundaries so that they become stronger.”
I don’t think little Tommy knew that this dynamic was at play between his mother and me. All he knew was that it was FUN.
Why is it fun though? I remember a story about laughter among chimpanzees. One of the things that make chimps laugh is uncovering illusory danger. Here’s what I mean: Sometimes the lookout chimp will cry out that there’s a jaguar on the move. When he does, all the chimps will woop and whine in panic. If the lookout tells them that he made a mistake, that it wasn’t a jaguar after all, all of the chimps will start laughing. What brings out their laughter is the release of all the tension that comes from the idea of danger.
So why does Tommy laugh when I scream “KAWASAKI!!!” and slam him on the bed? Besides the fact that it’s funny to hear foreign motorcycle brands being used as a war cry, it’s the danger. “There’s a giant man grabbing me by the arm! I can’t get away! I have no control! My body is falling! I’m afraid! Oh no! Wait… I’m still alive. Nothing hurts. I’m okay.” Going through this over and over again teaches us that danger is safe, or rather, that we can handle danger.
That’s why boys and men need rough play. Historically, we have been expected to face danger in order to protect those we love. Even in the bubble-wrapped western world, we are still, as men, wracked by the anxiety that we won’t be able to handle what life throws at us. We love football because it teaches us (correctly or not) that we can face danger, competition, attack and deception and come out of it alive. We may not always come out of it on top, but we can come out of it alive. This experience–and it has to be the actual experience– gives us the courage to go out and face the day, the sales floor, the courtroom, the forty-foot ladder.
This experience, of having our limitations pushed, is what we need dads for. That’s why we need brothers, best friends, and even worst enemies, both while we’re young and when we’re in our prime. This is the brotherhood of warriors. We love each other by forcing each other to be strong. This is Valhalla, where we fight to the death every day till sunset and come back to life at sunrise just to do it again.
That’s why the world needs you.
Of course this can be taken too far. The whole point is to teach our sons that it’s okay to fail. It’s okay to be weaker than dad. Getting knocked down is okay as long as you get back up. We defeat the purpose when we start to tell our sons and brother and employees that failures make them worthless. Challenging each other’s strength is masculinity. Withdrawing love and support when some arbitrary standard isn’t met makes it toxic masculinity.
So don’t hang your head low man! There is still room in this world for you and your bravado and your competitive spirit! There is still room for the Phil Jackson or Urban Meyer in you who says to your sons and brothers “Yes, you can! I dare you!” It’s natural, and as long as dangers confront humanity, it’s necessary. Maybe not everyone can understand it. Still, you and I know that no bond can match those formed on the football field or on the battlefield.
Hold your head high! For the sake of maintaining the strength you bring out in others though, keep your heart open and aware.
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Photo by Kay on Unsplash
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