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My greatest parenting strategy is one I discovered quite by accident. It was a crazy time in the life of my family. My wife and I had three kids—all ten and under—and we spent eleven weeks away from home every summer, while I was involved in a leadership development program for college students. One particular summer we happened to be in Orlando, Florida—a wonderful place to take your family … with unbearable heat, humidity over one hundred percent, if that’s possible, and driving rain every afternoon.
Our middle child was always averse to change. He was just one of those individuals who liked stability and sameness. Our travels were particularly difficult for him. One evening, after we’d just arrived, with the five of us crammed into a two-bedroom apartment, our son decided to go on a hunger strike. He refused to eat anything for dinner and sent me on a search for a parenting technique that would work.
The first technique that I tried was begging. I begged him to eat his dinner. I told him all the good reasons there are to eat and explained how yummy the food was. He was unrelenting. He was unhappy that we were in this foreign city and unhappy to be trapped inside during the days when we could have been enjoying a wonderfully mild summer in Michigan with his friends.
Next, I tried sternness. I used my most authoritative voice to tell him that this situation was unacceptable. A hunger strike would simply not change the demands of my job. We were stuck here for the summer, and he needed to cooperate whether he liked it or not.
Next, I tried bribery. I told him that if he just ate his meal, there was a wonderful Popsicle waiting for him. My other two kids were done with their meals, so this led me to my next attempt—and that was known as cruelty. I allowed the other kids to eat their Popsicles while I continued to assure him that he, too, could be as happy as they were if he would simply eat his dinner.
Quickly, my bribery descended into begging again. I begged him to eat just one bite and told him that if he ate just one bite of his dinner, I would give him dessert. But, alas, my son still refused. He stubbornly held to his convictions and continued on his hunger strike.
Then a crazy idea popped into my head. What if I tried grace? I always told people that grace—undeserved favor —was the most beautiful thing on this planet. So I picked him up and said, “We’re going for a ride.” Without much explanation to the rest of my family, I took him outside, put him in the car, and drove him to a grocery store. In retrospect, I wonder if he feared that dad was off his rocker and had finally broken.
Once at the store, I took him to the ice cream section and said, “Choose a box of dessert—anything you want.” He looked at me as if I were crazy and then pointed to one of his favorite treats. Wanting to illustrate the extravagance of grace, I said, “Now pick another.” And he chose a second box of chocolatey goodness. I took him home, and the family gorged ourselves on delicious desserts. Then I taught them about grace—the beauty of being lavished with good things when we’ve done nothing to deserve them.
From then on, grace became a tradition in our house with what our kids would call “Grace Day.” If we experienced a particularly difficult day in which the kids fought and bickered, my wife and I would come up with something extravagant to give to them. One time, we went to the bank and got about thirty one-dollar bills. Every time they bickered, we handed them a dollar. (Yes, in my great wisdom, I actually paid my children to fight.) As you can imagine, within five minutes, they were fake fighting until my dollars were gone. Another day, we got a big bag of candy, and my wife and I enjoyed pelting them with Jolly Ranchers every time they misbehaved.
Now you may be thinking, “What a stupid parenting technique; you just taught your kids to fight more!” And it’s true—they did fight more. But once the kids caught on that it was Grace Day, the fights became playful and pretend, filled with laughter and joy. The truth is, grace became the foundation of our home, and Grace Day became the favorite day for our kids … and, as they’ve grown into adults and started their own families, each of them has continued to build a foundation of undeserved favor toward those they love.
Previously published on STAND Magazine
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Photo: Getty Images