It’s a difficult topic for many people. Coach and writer Kian Victorson offers ideas to make handling ED a little bit easier.
Being confronted with erectile dysfunction repeatedly can be very tough to deal with. Here are some guidelines that can help you out.
1. Live a healthy life
No, you don’t have to eat “5 a day” but do review your eating habits. Free yourself of addictions as much as you can. Get some fresh air. Take the stairs and not the escalator. Don’t live a life of excess. All this will help keep your body’s sexual mechanisms going.
2. Accept yourself
Yes, maybe you can change that part of yourself you really don’t like and maybe you can’t. Either way, learn to accept who you are right now or your resentments will turn against you. You are having erection problems? Well, that’s ok, it happens! Next time you are confronted with it be observant and not judgmental. Your lovers will thank you for it.
By the way: acceptance does not mean to cultivate the belief that things cannot change. It means approving that they are what they are in that moment and that they can be different at any point in the future.
3. Lower your porn intake
Porn consumption has the potential to negatively affect the way your brain processes sexual stimulation. Quit porn and miracles might happen. If necessary, stop masturbation as well. Give yourself the chance to learn to get aroused the way nature originally intended it – through somebody else’s touch.
4. See “the blue pill” as an option
5. Choose the right partner(s)
Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But if you’re single you might get overwhelmed by your ego’s desire to get laid – no matter with whom. Therefore, get to know who turns you on and who doesn’t. Learn to say no. Trust your body when it says „yes“ while your mind says „she is not my type“. Furthermore, the “right” partner is not only somebody who turns you on but also somebody who has patience and does not expect you to perform at will. As in marriage, choosing the right partner determines 50% of your (sexual) happiness. So choose wisely.
6. Practice mindful and goalless sex
Learn to stay present during sex, resist the “race for orgasm”. Learn to appreciate the whole spectrum of sex: the flirting, the undressing, the kissing, the petting, the cuddling. Yes, pump away all the way you like if your penis collaborates but don’t see it as the principal component of sex. With that mindset you are giving your anxieties a rest and before you know it your natural urges will flood your body. And yes, that does include all extremities.
7. Experiment with sex
If ED has become a pattern for you then experimenting with sex can help you break out. How about trying sex without intercourse? Or how about a new sexual practice? Talk dirty, act out an SM scenario, take a tantra class. Whatever it is that takes you (and, literally, your penis) to the next level.
8. Ask for help
If you haven’t been getting it up for months or years then maybe no blog article in the world can help you. But the individual attention of a therapist can. So do yourself the favor to ask for help. If you feel shame around ED that’s ok – it is the hiding that leads to resentments. A great first step is tell your friends about it. A majority of men and women have encountered the issue – you are not alone anyway! And if you don’t know who to talk to just ask your local clinic for free counseling.
9. Have realistic expectations
Yes, we all have that friend who claims he has never encountered erectile dysfunction and who can “screw everything that moves”. Maybe that’s true and maybe it is not but I recommend not comparing yourself to others. Acknowledge instead that you are not a sex machine. You are a sexual being and as such you can get erections constantly but your penis does not come with a fail-safe guarantee. Deal with it.
10. Relax – and don’t take ED too seriously
One little known fact about how erections come to life: muscles around the shaft of the penis relax in order to let blood flow through the veins. What that means for you: if you relax then so will your penis and an erection will follow. I know, “just relax” is easier said than done and the big cliché of self-help work. However, it is a deal breaker in the bedroom, so get good at it. Learn a bit of meditation, breath consciously and don’t rush when clothes are coming off. Most of all: don’t treat ED all too seriously. Be prepared to look at it with humor and practice your optimism. As your personal fortune cookie would tell you: “If winter comes, can spring be far behind?“
To read about these “rules” in detail check out my upcoming book “The Boner Bible”.
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