It can be a nightmare trying to build a romantic relationship with an avoidant. The closer you bring yourself, the faster they seem to run away.
Yet, with good communication, it’s possible to build a beautiful relationship together.
These communication tips will help you achieve that goal.
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1. Identify your own attachment style
It’s easy to focus on your partner’s romantic flaws, but what about yours?
The three most recognised attachment styles are:
- Secure. Comfortable in emotional intimacy and independence.
- Anxious. Anxious and fearful in romantic relationships, often because they’re so desperate for it to work out.
- Avoidant. Avoidant of love and intimacy. They tend to be fiercely independent and refuse help from others even when they need it.
Which one best describes you? This knowledge will make it easier to communicate with your avoidant partner about their attachment style.
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2. Share your findings with your partner
Once you know your attachment style, share it with your partner. Explain the strengths and weaknesses of this style and how they play out in your life.
Hopefully, this will encourage your partner to open up and be vulnerable in the same way.
Together, you can talk about your needs and what’s needed to manage your attachment styles.
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3. Don’t take avoidant behavior as a personal attack
Your partner might demand space or even push you away, but that doesn’t mean you’ve upset them or they no longer have feelings for you. It can simply be their way of managing their attachment style.
So, don’t take it personally.
The more you learn about the avoidant attachment style, the easier this becomes.
Tunde Awosika is a talented Medium writer with many important articles on the avoidant attachment style. His article below is a particularly deep dive, which includes a guide on the triggers most likely to make avoidants shut down.
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4. Find empathy
Empathy is a powerful emotion that can help you find a healthy outcome for any disagreement. When we are empathetic with our partners, we create an environment that allows them to feel safe expressing their emotions.
In the case of your avoidant partner, understand that their behaviors often stem from traumatic past experiences. As much as they’d probably LOVE to accept your affection, there are powerful inner demons preventing this from happening.
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5. Avoid blaming
Many couples who fall out are hell-bent on finding someone to blame. This creates a frame of ‘you vs. them’.
A healthier way to resolve disagreements is to frame them as ‘you and them vs. the problem’. A collaborative frame rather than a competitive one.
Blaming your avoidant partner for the behaviors you don’t like will likely push them further away.
So, instead, ask how the two of you can move forward together in spite of your differing attachment styles.
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6. Express yourself positively
Words can be your best tool or your worst weapon, depending on how you use them.
Let’s imagine you expressed the following frustration with your partner.
“You never want to spend time with me, you’re always busy with your things.”
This negative expression can be perceived as a personal attack, immediately closing the door to productive communication.
But what if you said:
“I enjoy spending time with you, and I’d love to do it more. I don’t want to pressure you and I respect your space, but it would be great to talk about how to make that happen.”
This communication style is much more likely to lead to a helpful conversation.
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7. Be careful how you talk about their attachment style
Your words frame your reality.
When you say “My partner is an avoidant”, this creates a sense of eternal doom that can demoralise both of you.
But what if you say “My partner has avoidant tendencies.” or “My partner has an avoidant side which gets triggered sometimes.”
This is a much more manageable way to frame it.
The attachment style theory is just a model. Every person is unique and most likely capable of all three styles depending on the circumstances. It does your partner a disservice to simply label them as “avoidant” or for them to label themselves this way.
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8. Frame your attachment styles as a chance to grow
Working on our attachments is a great opportunity to grow personally and as a couple. This is a way to walk beyond the deepest fears caused by our past wounds. When doing so together, it can strengthen your relationship to an incredible level.
So, why frame your attachment styles as a curse that harms your relationship? In reality, it’s an excellent way to learn from and foster admiration for each other.
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9. Give your partner space and respect their limits
An anxiously-attached person might be keen to resolve any relationship conflicts immediately. The fact that a conflict even exists can trigger panic, which they’re desperate to get rid of as soon as possible.
The problem is: bombarding an avoidant with phone calls is unlikely to lead to a positive outcome. Neither is demanding an immediate explanation.
If they refuse to communicate with you, it’s best to respect their wishes and deal with the situation at their pace.
Find a way to handle your anxiety until then. This article by Renata Ellera Gomes could come in handy.
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10. Listen patiently
Whenever your partner finds the bravery to talk about their emotions, shut up and let them talk. This isn’t the time to interrupt, confront them or explain why you’re right.
You need to show that you’re ready to listen without judgment when they express themselves this way. This will help them feel brave enough to do it again in future.
Patience is also a key factor when communicating with an avoidant partner though. Don’t pressure them to share more than they feel comfortable with. Respecting their limits is important.
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11. Work on yourself too
It’s difficult to provide this level of emotional support to a partner if we also have deep insecurities. So, take this union with an avoidant partner as an opportunity to work on yourself.
If you’re anxiously attached, it’s easy to feel overly dependent on your partner. You can bet that’ll drive an avoidant away, so there’s no better time to work on making new friends, taking up a new hobby or working towards your life mission.
This will not only help you to level up in life, but it’ll also give you the stability needed for a healthy relationship with your partner.
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My articles teach young men how to escape their comfort zones, improve their mental health and make better dating decisions. Follow me on Medium for more useful advice.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Larm Rmah on Unsplash
