January is the busiest month for online dating sites. People join, hoping this is the year they’re finally going to find lasting love, and what better way to do that than online dating? Yet, so many people over 40 despise the whole online dating process. I get it. I’m dating online, too. And there are many reasons why you might want to quit (or never begin), especially if you’re over 40.
As you age, dating can become more challenging. You’re tired of people who post pictures from ten pounds and ten years ago and lie about their age. You’re sick of putting effort into writing thoughtful emails that get no response and first dates that drain the life out of you.
If you’ve ever experienced false starts and frustrations in online dating, you probably feel like online dating sucks. There’s got be a better way to meet people. There are a few—going on meetups, or being super friendly and starting conversations with everyone everywhere you go.
If you’ve ever experienced false starts and frustrations in online dating, you probably feel like online dating sucks.
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But, if you want to find lasting love and you’re over 40, online dating is still your best option. You’re not socializing with singles on a regular basis. You don’t go to many parties. You don’t get set up often, and when you do, it’s usually just because the main thing you have in common is you’re both single.
People who date online do find love on every site every day. Of course you need to take precautions and stay safe. And it’s not always easy to date online, so let’s just air out the disappointments you’re probably feeling. Next week, I’ll be posting about how to overcome these challenges and stay positive on your journey to find love.
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Top 11 Frustrations With Online Dating After 40
I polled my private Facebook group of almost 800 single women over 40 from all over the world about what they find most challenging about online dating. Most are not gender specific. Which have you experienced?
#1. Games and Lies
I dislike the games, especially when people are not truthful. I’m not saying it’s just the men, I’m hearing horror stories about woman. What happened to respect and kindness?
#2. Feeling Judged by the Superficiality of Online Dating
The feeling of being judged, as in a “beauty” contest, because there are so many pictures to scroll through online. You are picked based on a two-dimensional picture, which says nothing about who you are on a substantive level (we all know men do not read profiles). [Note from Sandy: I disagree. Men who are attracted and interested in a real relationship will usually read women’s profiles.]
#3. Confusion About How to Communicate Online
Not knowing if I should call/text or should I WAIT for his call/text? It’s confusing to me to what extent I should take initiative, and to what extent I should just wait…
Sending a thoughtful message and not getting any acknowledgement, even if it’s that they’re not interested.
#4. Lack of Manners and Common Courtesy
It’s frustrating to never hearing from a man again after a date, especially if you’ve made tentative plans to meet again. As a result of this happening, if I know I’m not planning on seeing someone again, I am honest and send a message. I wish men would have same courtesy.
Also, when someone persistently contacts me and there is no interest on my part, I send a kind email wishing him well. I stopped doing this because of ugly emails I received in return. Unfortunately, not everyone on these sites are mentally stable. Even when I try to display good manners, it’s not always kindly received.
I hate going on a first date with a man who has poor manners. I do expect him to help me out of my coat, to be able to hold a conversation, to pay for the date and open the door when we’re leaving. Also, don’t come in jeans or cargo pants or shorts with flip-flops if we’re meeting in a nice restaurant.
#5. Breaking Up and Rejection
I hate the whole process of dating. And going through the process of breaking up when it becomes clear there is not long-term relationship potential takes a toll on your heart.
It’s as hard to be the rejecter just as much as it is to be rejected.
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I dislike the starts and stops, learning about someone new, only to have it crumble because one of you chooses to discontinue. It’s as hard to be the rejecter just as much as it is to be rejected. Meeting people and weeding out is a process that is necessary on the way to finding the one, but maintaining that optimistic attitude while you’re at it definitely takes self-monitoring and vigilance.
#6. False Expectations
I hate the uncomfortable feeling of the first meet. The nervousness, the unknown…I really hate the awkwardness if it isn’t a match and the disappointment that I don’t feel a connection. I used to look for that instant spark and chemistry, but it usually happened with the wrong guys.
#7. Too Time-Consuming
Dating process is very time consuming, almost as a hobby or a job. It is hard, because involves a lot of rejection and also inflicting hurt on others, not intentionally, but as part of the process.
#8. Virtual Infatuation and Not Meeting in Real Life
Feels to me that men have a new addiction—online dating instead of video games. They seek the virtual infatuation instead of reality. So they are just staying online hiding behind the keyboard and will fail to move to a real world.
I feel like there is a tendency to not want to be all in on the entire dating process. In the past, even with online dating, getting offline was much faster and smoother. Now, there is endless texting, the initial meeting might never occur, and when it does, no one wants to waste their time on a real date. Its coffee or drinks, not dinner. I feel like everyone (myself included) has become emotionally unavailable and unwilling to take the time to get to know each other.
#9. Sharing Horror Stories About Past Relationships and Not Healing From Past Pain
I don’t want to hear men’s horror stories about other woman. I am not her, and isn’t everyone innocent until proven guilty?
Women and many men have been very hurt, with egos bruised, from their prior relationships. I feel that what holds them back and is hurting both them and the dating process, is that men do not do their inner work to heal and move forward in positive, healthy ways. The number of female contacts they have in their cellphones seems to be far more important to them and their egos, than that one special woman with whom he could create a lasting, committed relationship. And although they certainly want the physical sex, they do not want the emotional and vulnerability components that are required for a true relationship.
#10. Ghosting
What disappoints me the most is after you have taken a bit of time (for me it was the last six months), and then he disappears. Please guys, just be honest and tell us why you’re leaving. It hurts, but way less then just disappearing. We ALL have feelings, so be considerate.
#11. Getting Intimate Too Soon
I really don’t like when men try to kiss me on my mouth or hold my hand for a long period of time on the first date. I barely know him at that time, so I’m not ready for that.
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Yes, online dating after 40 can be frustrating. But it can also be a highly effective tool to help you find lasting love. And it’s not just for finding that one special person. It’s also a great way to network for business or develop wonderful friendships.
Next week, I’ll share ways to make online dating work for you, and how to stay positive when dating gets you down.
For now, I’d love to hear about your online dating experience. What has worked for you, what hasn’t, and have you found love online? Please share your thoughts below.
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There are many things when it comes to using chat lines for dating that everyone should be aware of and knowing this once you get started will help you find that special someone. Everyone has some kind of expectation or high hope that when they start using the best dating sites that love will happen instantly and that is not always the case. Knowing that it might take some time to find that significant other will help you adjust in meeting new people without being disappointed.
As for me the age is not a “stop”. Love does not have the age…Love chooses the soul, not the age 🙂
http://missbrideworld.com/blog/category/online-dating/
Sandy, Great post and thanks for the sharing. I work with men and women over 40 and what we want and who we are at earlier stages of our lives are not the same as who we are and what we want later in life. Everyone needs support and good counsel. Yours seems first rate.
Thanks so much, Jed! Your endorsement means a lot to me. Keep on doing your valuable work with those over 40. They’re lucky to have your support.
I could spend hours on line sending messages back and forth to men who are most likely not the one. My rule is messages for 1 to 2 weeks at most, then get on the phone and talk. That can quickly reveal whether or not you even want to meet. Then meet within 3 weeks of the initial online contact I would say 75% of the time I have to ask for the phone call, and make the suggestion to meet. Men just are either shy or unsure to initiate these steps. Otherwise, unless you are looking for penpals too… Read more »
Lisa, I agree that it’s important to speak to your online dating connection as soon as possible. I advocate for much sooner than a few weeks. People build a false sense of connection and hope via email/text. Online dating is really online connecting. The dating happens offline. The sooner the better.
Regarding #2, about superficiality,
I’ve been specifically adviced, by women, to “increase” the height in my profile from 5’9 to 6′, just because.
I just wonder, how the h@ll am I supposed to conseal that “enhancement” in an IRL situation??
That’s terrible advice, FlyingKal. In my opinion, there’s nothing worse than meeting someone for the first time and realizing that they have lied about their age, height, or weight. Be truthful. Many women could care less about height and know that a person’s character and personality are far more important. Besides, when you’re horizontal, height is irrelevant. Right?
I work with females in my office and boy many of them have never got over their past relationships and complain about it even when they get re-married. Since many women now make more money than men, they should pay for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when they go on a date considering how men’s wages have been stagnant or on the decline for the last several years. Dating is too time-consuming? Well, what do you expect? Getting a relationship is like growing a plant. It takes time to grow and mature. Dating is not like fast food where you gets… Read more »
@Gggggg (did I type enough gs?), Why do women complain after they get remarried? Probably because they didn’t pick the right partner OR they didn’t become the right partner. I coach women to take responsibility for their share in the failure of any past relationships, as the only common denominator is YOU. That goes for men and women. In terms of women paying for dates if they make more money than men? That’s a whole other article. My basic philosophy on this is that not matter how much money women make, they still want to be courted. And it usually… Read more »
I sometimes wonder why men complain about being judged based on their job and their income considering the fact that men judged each other based on what kind of job and income they make? Men who work in blue collar jobs and in less prestige white collars jobs like teachers, plumbers, mathematicians, scholars, poets, writers, scientists, biologists, welders, etc., are not looked upon favorably (putting it mildly) by other men who are bankers, lawyers, doctors, investment advisors, etc. If men don’t want to be judged by women, then they need to stop profiling, stereotyping, and discriminating against each other.
These are spot on! And I realize that I am guilty of a couple of these too. One that irks me is being ghosted. So frustrating and unnecessary. Another is reading the profile and the guy, usually no matter what he looks like, has put down athletic or slender for what he wants. This is a huge turn off to me. Few men seem to want to go beyond appearances, although they offer lip service to personality traits. Single mothers, like myself, experience similar feelings when we read that men want spontaneous and independent women. Sorry, but I have responsibilities.… Read more »
If you’re ever worried about safety, I launched a company that will research your date before you go out with him to make sure he is who he says he is.
I also did this because I almost dated a bank robber and I’m trying to make the world a better and safer place. People helping people 🙂
Here’s the bank robber story if you’re interested: http://www.aste.io/about
(sorry about the plug – but it’s real and we’re here to help!)
Julie, I read your story, and wow. Crazy. I was supposed to date a guy who turned out to be a convicted felon. He served 2 years in federal prison. When I confronted him, he claimed innocence in his embezzlement charges. Wanted to explain. No, thanks. Your service is important. I appreciate that you turned a scary incident into a helpful service!
An interesting service… do you vette woman as well as you do men? I went on a date with someone who was really amazing only to find out she was a call girl in her past. DEAL BREAKER!! Would have been nice to know that before I started to become emotionally invested. I know I’m not supposed to judge someone on their past, their past is what makes them who they are after all. And she did end the profession and made real work in building a new life (she’s now an investment banker) but still – a past like… Read more »
Kristina,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Yes, online dating can be frustrating, especially at this age, compounded with many single moms like you who are the primary custodian. Not easy. But if you want to meet men and find love again, it’s one of the best ways. Next week, I’ll be posting some positive actions you can take to stay optimistic on your journey to love. Hang in there!
As a guy, I used dating sites a lot. I had a well-written profile, rather comical, and used all my sense of humor. Women’s response rate was 0.2%. One day, I contrived a false profile: 62 y/o, retired investment banker, widower, two grown up children living on their own, an apartment on the Upper East Side and a house in the Hamptons. Five women approached me in the first five minutes. I rest my case.
You rest your case as to the people you intended to attract. If you put up a profile to bait gold diggers.. guess what you get? Personally I’d take the proactive approach (and I have) and I have had moderate success with. If you want to attract someone of quality, you need to use the right bait.
What was their average age? Because I would have responded to the first one based on what you just have written here.
The only thing I am hearing here is that women in their 40s are complaining about being treated the same way men in their 20s and 30s are treated. Just to pick some examples. come #2. Just like how women are sorting men based on height and income? #3 Just like men are taught that an 80% failure rate is just something they have to deal with? #4 “to pay for the date and open the door when we’re leaving” sorry honey, this isn’t the 1950s. You are a grown woman, making your own money. You pay your share, he… Read more »
You, Sir, spoke the truth. Spot on.
Valuable insights. Thanks, Sandy. As a Dating In Mid-Life Coach and author I agree that online dating can be highly effective if used correctly. Take the initiative in qualifying partners and standing apart for who you are so you attract the cream of the crop!
Thanks, Rosalind. I appreciate your supportive comment. I agree—qualifying partners, because you know your relationship must-haves and showing your uniqueness in your profile—all lead to online dating success. Works for me and my clients!