TW — the following post may be triggering as it talks about child abuse and inappropriate child-on-child touch.
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You can’t avoid the dreaded talk. Can’t postpone it. And can’t pretend it’s too early either.
What we think is too early for our small children may prove to be too late.
So, you have to watch for the signs. And be prepared for whatever you see.
As a mother, I talk to or eavesdrop on parents’ conversations.
I’m shocked by what I hear.
And it’s crazy how many of the sexually abused children aren’t aware that what happened to them is abuse.
When I was little, I didn’t have the talk with my parents. They didn’t know better.
I was abused as a grown-up more than once. I know it feels horrendous. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for a child. Which is why I’d rather be too cautious than ignorant.
But one thing I know today and I wish all parents would be aware of is this.
Kids need to know what’s inappropriate and they need to believe enough in themselves to stand up when their boundaries are disrespected.
They need to know their parents will trust them. Believe them. Not dismiss them. So when they speak up they’re not scolded. Or accused. But rather hugged and protected.
Sometimes, parents themselves are in shock when hearing the news. They choose denial not knowing how else to respond. That’s tragic too.
Do you want to avoid the denial trap?
If you do, begin by knowing what’s possible and what happens out there to other kids.
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Know this, too
It’s not just adults who assault children.
Often, it’s the children who were assaulted that go on to assault other children, thinking it’s a game.
My heart shrieks with pain every time I go online and read something like this:
Or like this:
Within the comments section, many mothers suggest that children who initiate such behaviors were victims too. They learned from an adult who did the same to them. Who told them it’s just a game.
So, you may trust the people who care for or surround your child. But you’ll still never be able 100% to protect your little one from any harm.
What you’re able to do, however, aside from raising them to know limits and have self-confidence, is to look out for any of their sexual behaviors that they couldn’t have come up with by themselves.
You’ll know it when you’ll see it. You’ll ask yourself “where in the world did they learn to do that?”.
Now, you may still feel unprepared.
Insecure about what to tell your child regarding their sexuality, intimacy, body limits, and lines that nobody should cross on them.
The following two resources might help a ton.
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BIRDS + BEES + KIDS — Become your kids’ go-to birds & bees source!
Amy Lang’s Birds + Bees + Kids resources are a must-read for any parent.
You can check out her website here, where you can also subscribe to her newsletter and download a couple of handy free resources.
And keep an eye on whatever she posts on Facebook, here.
Amy has been a sex educator since 1991 and she thought she could handle the sex talk with her son. Yet she couldn’t.
She soon realized that what works with adults doesn’t work with children.
Since she was forced to learn a couple of things for herself and her family, she gradually dedicated herself to teaching parents how to approach sexuality in their conversations with children.
She also has a podcast that covers the most intimidating topics. Like “boy wants to see mom’s privates up close” or “a script to talk to kids about the word ‘f*ck’” or “is it ok to be naked in front of your kids” and many, many more.
Amy Lang’s website is the place to be and read if you’re going to find answers to questions you already have for yourself. Or questions your kids are about to smack you in the head with.
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Sex Ed Rescue — A better way to talk to kids about sex
Cath Hakanson’s Sex Ed Rescue resources will definitely help with breaking the ice and learning how to talk to kids about sex without feeling (too) weird.
She’s a mother herself and a sex educator with over 25 years of clinical knowledge.
You can take a look at her website here, and go through the ton of resources she makes available, including a private SOS Call service where parents can contact her for professional one-on-one support.
And you’ll want to join her private Facebook group — that parent group. That’s where you’ll witness eye-opening conversations on sex education for children, body image, puberty, and more, all under the anonymity umbrella.
If you have something to share or a question to ask, you can do it anonymously inside the group, without the fear that you or your child will be identified through Facebook.
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Don’t assume it can’t happen to your family
There’s only one thing more terrifying than actual child sexual abuse — the overwhelming number of such cases remaining unknown and unreported.
We’ll never be able to tell the exact number of children who fall victim.
We know it’s way bigger than statistics show. And we know abusers tend to be from close family or friends circle. People who win the child’s trust and can influence them into not speaking about what happened to them.
At the same time, we can prevent sexual abuse through education.
You can’t control what happens with your child when you’re away. But you can control what you’re telling them and how early on you make it clear to them that nobody should touch them.
The only thing preventing you from giving your child the information that will save them from a lifetime of trauma?
You don’t know how to speak to them.
Yet after looking at one of these two resources, you’ll finally know:
Our children need us to have age-appropriate conversations with them. We owe it to them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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