2 Small Changes for Big Improvements in Your Relationship

John has the same arguments with his girlfriend Sarah, like a broken record. He’s lost track of what’s causing all their fights at this point.

It’s always the same pattern.

He listens to her complain about work, then she starts crying, saying it’s hard to handle that and their relationship. But when he talks about his tough day, she cuts him off after a few minutes, claiming he’s exaggerating. It’s mostly about her, and he barely gets a chance to share his feelings before she dismisses them.

John doesn’t know what to do and asks me, now his therapist, for help. He came to me for counseling a few months ago, struggling with his long-distance relationship without much success. They fight a lot over the phone but when they’re together, it seems like all their problems go away.

Hence, the confusion. Why do they struggle when they’re apart but get along so well when they’re together? Let’s double-click on this and see how therapy could help.

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The toll of daily rants and emotional drain

John began his relationship with Sarah just 3 months after she broke up with her ex. He worried it was too soon for her to start dating again but he liked her and they clicked right from the start.

They visited each other on weekends and always enjoyed their time together. During the week, they stayed connected through daily phone calls. Sarah struggled at work, so John kept her spirits up and supported her.

But it has become a daily rant for months now. She’s unhappy at work and keeps ranting about it, but nothing changes. He used to try cheering her up, but now he seems less energetic and more drained as the weeks go by.

In our last session, he was clearly disheartened. His posture was weak, his back bent slightly forward, and his voice was flat. He began by expressing his frustration with the situation, saying it felt repetitive.

I asked him what would an ideal relationship look like with Sarah in a couple of months from now.

He thought about it for a while and enumerated four things. In this ideal scenario…

Focus: “Sarah would be more present and attentive when we talk”.
Stability: “The relationship would have much less negativity and drama. No more big emotional swings either up or down”.
Understanding: “Our communication would be much better, listen to each other, and talk without getting on each other’s nerves”.
Emotional state: “We’d each be in a better place in our own lives, so when we talked, we’d be coming from a more positive space”.

I then asked him how likely it was that they would reach that point in a couple of months.

“Unlikely”, he admits. “I’d say I would have to change a lot to make this happen”.

“But it’s not just up to you”, I reply. “A relationship implies that both have to do the work and not just you. Otherwise, things won’t change. Or you’ll change so much that staying in this relationship won’t feel right anymore”.

He looked at me in despair. I saw it felt overwhelming to him. He felt overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done and had little hope it would work out. So I suggest an alternative.

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Simple steps to improve relationship dynamics

When a task feels too difficult, it’s best to break it down into smaller parts.

It feels more manageable and you’re more likely to take action.

In John’s case, we started with the top item on his list of ideal relationship features with Sarah and focused on small, manageable steps to improve it.

First, we limited the number of their weekly phone calls.

John and Sarah talk every day, but most of these calls feel automatic and John usually feels worse afterward. He mostly listens to her ranting and doesn’t feel he gets much attention in the conversation.

Limiting his phone time with her serves two purposes:

If his time were scarcer, Sarah would value it more. Like in economics, scarcity increases value. By not always being available and dedicating more time to himself, John would become more valuable in Sarah’s eyes.
Limiting exposure to a (usually) negative environment would reduce the time he spends feeling down afterward. Less exposure to a stressful stimulus would decrease its effect on him.

So instead of talking every day, John could limit those phone calls to twice a week. They could still exchange messages on WhatsApp daily, but the live encounters should decrease.

Next, we would make those conversations more intentional and focused.

It’s okay to share negative feelings, but it can’t be only about those. John could encourage discussions about positive things too. Shifting their focus to happier topics can change the mood of both of them.

Here are some of the things John could do to make this shift.

Set a positive tone: John could start the conversations with something positive. For instance, he could share a piece of good news or express gratitude for something Sarah did.
Be mindful of the timing: John should choose the right time for important conversations. For instance, he could avoid starting a significant discussion when Sarah is tired, stressed, or distracted.
Take breaks if needed: if the conversation starts to get too heated, John should encourage a short break to cool down. Sometimes a few minutes apart can help both of them come back more centered and ready to communicate effectively.
Gently interrupt with a connection: John feels he’s left out of the conversation so a way to get into it is by gently interrupting Sarah and inserting a thought while showing he’s still engaged. For instance, he could say “I see your point, and I’d like to add…” or “That’s interesting! It makes me think of…”. This helps to feel you’re heard without dismissing Sarah’s perspective.

Remember, even a small match can light up a dark room and drive away the darkness. You don’t need a big light to change the atmosphere.

With these two steps in place, we’ll see how it goes for our next session.

Note: The characters and details in this case study have been modified to protect my patient’s anonymity. This should serve as a case study for educational purposes.

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I’m a psychotherapist specializing in self-growth and relationship dynamics. Journey towards greener pastures with me, where you’ll find a safe space dedicated to exploration, growth, and healing through personalized online therapy.

Schedule your first appointment for free with me here. Let’s talk!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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