I experienced my first real breakup spring of last year. Although I initiated it, it still deeply hurt my heart and damaged my spirit. Before, I was a very peppy and optimistic person. After the breakup hit me, I spent most days feeling very dejected and uninterested in anything that used to bring me joy or satisfaction. Even eating was something I had to force myself to do.
The beginning of my breakup was very different than what usually occurs. I was very satisfied with my decision and started a new relationship rather quickly. I knew we weren’t right for each other, as long as it took me to realize that, so I had no regrets. I spent about a year riding this high. After the one-year mark though, the depression hit me. It was initiated by a text I sent him in which I received an unfavorable response. It was so hard to digest what I read, and I didn’t feel so cheerful anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, as depressed as I became, I still hold no regrets. That decision was honestly the best I have ever made. It was what needed to happen. What I couldn’t stop was the feelings of missing him, his companionship, his touch, and his love. I wanted those things back, but I didn’t want him back. As much as I thought I would stave it off though, the depression inevitably hit me a year later and it was the deepest, darkest depression I had ever experienced up until then.
Unfortunately, like most depressions I experienced previously, I lost interest in everything I used to enjoy, including listening to music. I went for about 5 months without listening to even one song. I couldn’t take it knowing I’d hear something that would remind me of him, and I didn’t want to dive deeper into the hole. It wasn’t until the tail end, when I finally started to come out, that I eased back into music. It was still hard at first, a lot of songs made me cry over him, I couldn’t always listen to them the whole way through, and it was an emotional experience to listen to old music.
Ironically enough, (maybe not though), through my Weekly Discover, I found many, many songs that spoke to me, my feelings, my experience, and my heart. Too many to remember all of them, but I decided to compile a list of the top 20 that made me weep happy, solacing tears.
Note: These are in no particular order.
1. i don’t know if we can be friends by Hollyn
I sacrificed so much of myself, my mental health, and my morals to be with him and maintain our relationship and I got nothing in the end. He made so many empty promises to me, literally wasting my time for almost 7 years. The last couple of years of the relationship was the most stressful for me. Looking back now, I know in my heart I will never give him a second chance. He doesn’t deserve my friendship either.
2. Don’t LV U Anymore by Liz Huett
After spending over 6 years with him, getting rid of those feelings I used to have for him is the hardest part. I so badly want to throw them away from myself and run away from them. I don’t love him the same way I used to. My heart doesn’t yearn for him anymore. I don’t think about what could have been anymore. I still remember everything that happened between us, but I don’t let it consume my feelings anymore. I still love him, but not in the same way I used to. That romantic love is completely dead to me and I’m glad.
3. Visions by Kevin Courtois & Leah Kate
For a long time after the breakup, I keep thinking, thinking, thinking about what we used to be, and what would have happened if we had’ve tried to work it out. I let those images control me so much that I would cry so hard and make myself sick. I couldn’t get those thoughts, memories, and visions out of my head. I tried so hard, but I just had to learn to let them pass and that took time.
4. If I’m Being Honest by Anna Clendening
The most annoying part of the breakup was that I constantly fought the feeling of both hating him and missing him. I knew I wasn’t turning back from the decision no matter how deep my feelings for him still were. He made me constantly wonder if anything he ever said to me was real or just a lie. I kept asking myself why would he ever tell me he loved me and wanted a future with me if he never meant anything. I gave so much of myself to make it work, but it was to no avail because he never appreciated any of it enough to keep me. He didn’t fight for us after I broke it off, and there’s just no coming back from that.
5. Never Enough (feat. Ashe) by craves
I don’t know what he was thinking when he just threw me away, but I truly believe he missed out on being with someone willing to do almost anything for him, even give up my religious affiliation. I gave more than I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. I had a real and deep love for him, something that I don’t think he’ll ever truly appreciate because he never felt the same way. I just really don’t know if he’ll find someone as sacrificing as I was.
6. Better by Sasha Lillie
After saying a million times that I was over him, and ready to move on, when I finally got to that point, it was like a giant weight had been lifted off me. I was finally confident enough to feel like I was ready to start a new relationship. It took a while to get to that point, and as sad and hollow I felt before, I realized that I didn’t get what I deserved from him and that there was something better out there for me than him.
7. Lose You to Love Me by Selena Gomez
I was so stupid for letting him take so much of me. I don’t believe he ever had any intentions of spending forever for me. It hurt me so much to lose him, but when I finally purged all of the tears from my body that were associated with him, I found myself again. I realized that I was a separate person from him and I could love myself without needing him in my life.
8. If the World Was Ending (feat. Julia Michaels) by JP Saxe
I remember when I first found this song, I sent it to him. Yes, I know, stupid, but I was still in contact with him and I was missing him. I wanted to believe that we were still going to fall back into each other’s lives in the future. I want to hold onto that hope so tightly and it was the only thing holding me together at the time. It was dumb, but without that hope, I felt I would fall apart, but it was how I got through. I missed him so much then, and I wanted him back in my life, even though I knew he wasn’t even “down for forever”.
9. Sorry Now by Crimson Apple
I don’t believe that he ever thought I would have the strength to break it off. He spent years lying to me and when it was apparent to me, I knew the only choice I had was to leave. He let me down and used me and I was left empty and broken because of it. I regretted allowing myself to be treated that way. He let me down in so many ways and because of that, I will never regret breaking up.
10. Single Player Mode by Litany
I feel this song could be looked at from both sides. I miss the good times and I honestly really enjoyed them. Those parts of our relationship were the best memories and it made me grateful that he was my first real boyfriend. I know he will never be mine again, but we had almost 7 years together and I will always look back on the experiences I enjoyed and smile.
11. You by Emily Rose
I thought I could never live without him. I never saw myself as a separate person from him. I put myself underneath him and I wanted no one but him. He was the center of my world and I was totally and completely consumed by him, but as she says, it was my turn on the pedestal. Once I let him go out of my life, I was able to put myself first for the first time in years. I became a new woman without being attached to his hip. I am so much happier and fulfilled now.
12. The Road by Faouzia
I had been with him since I was in high school. I was just a teenager. When first broke up and I thought there was still a possible future, I didn’t think that was the final goodbye. I wanted to hold on to the memories and relationship, thinking we were just going eventually pick back up where we left out. Unfortunately, for me then, that was never going to be the case. It was time for me to move on. It was time for me to “hit the road”.
13. La Di Da by Lennon Stella
This song reminded me of all the promises he made me. When he was making them, I honestly believed them. I thought they were going to come true and I believed every word he fed me. To my dismay, they were just empty words that would eventually hurt me more than anything else. They were the things that were the hardest to let go of. The words still swim in my head until today and even anger me at times.
14. My Way Up Molly Kate Kestner
The breakup experience was so hard and hurt like hell but through it all, I’m grateful for the mistake I made because I learned so much from it. I still struggle to work through feelings and thoughts, but despite this, I am stronger than ever, wiser, and with the lowest low I ever took, I found my way back up. I will never look back with regret or longing because I grew so much from it all. I’m finally able to breathe and “follow my soul” because “the past has passed” and in realizing this I’m better than ever before.
15. S.I.L.W.U. by Sara Diamond
If I think about the things that I loved most about him I allow myself to believe that I’m still in love with him, even though I’m not. Sometimes I still feel like I’m allowing my heart to stay stuck on him even though I’ve moved on and am in a new relationship. I listen to this song and think about the time when I was still in love with him. It was so hard back then because I wanted him so badly after the breakup even though he didn’t fight for me like I thought he would.
16. Get Over You by Lydia Evangeline
This song was hard to listen to because it was a punch in the gut telling me that I need to let go. I had such a hard getting over him. The way he talked to me, the way he felt when he was holding me, the sound of his breathing, the way our hands fit together. I couldn’t stop thinking about those things and they made it so hard to move on. I wished so much that I could just be with him again, but the truth was that it was not worth it and if he wanted it as much as I did then we wouldn’t have broken up. Realizing that is what helped me move on.
17. Sad Forever by Lauv
When I heard this song, I stopped what I was doing and just reveled in the music. It completely encompassed what I was feeling. I just wanted to be happy again. More than anything else.
18. Unmiss You by Clara Mae
The truth is, I went through a period where I want to go through a head trauma that would make me lose my memory. That’s how badly I wanted him out of my head. I wanted to forget him so I would stop hurting. It felt so unfair that I hate to go through the breakup experience. I wanted to undo everything. I wanted to pretend nothing happened. If I could have, during that time I would have reversed time and unmeet him.
19. Scared to Be Happy by Navvy
This one — this one is one of the best. Just listen to it. This song takes the words straight out of my mouth for how I feel today and as of now. Just listen to it.
20. Fill Into Me by Anju
This song touches me the most and it’ll take more than a paragraph to explain why. It speaks to me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I will post another article paralleling it to my breakup experience and share the link once I publish it.
More Songs:
Again by Landon Austin
Down For Forever by Benedict Cork
Cinderella by WENS
The Butterfly Effect by Before You Exit
Find What You’re Looking For by Olivia O’Brien
Cute Without You by Emma Blackery
An Ocean by Calah Mikal
Small Talk by Katy Perry
S.L.U.T. by Bea Miller
I Don’t Think So by Ben Phillips
Picking Up Pieces by Blue October
Terrible Love by Birdy
Youth by Vérité
I wish I could share all of the songs that have gotten me through this tough time. Music can indeed heal the heart. I, now more than ever, am realizing this. I haven’t been through something as life-changing and devastated like this, aside from losing loved ones in death. It’s so hard to imagine what condition I would still be in had I not found my love of music again. Hopefully, I can continue to find more songs to help me heal. Please feel free to share any songs in the comments section that have helped you through a tough time and I’ll happily listen to them.
Side note: I know most of this is pop music, but trust me, I listen to a little bit of everything.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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