Starting over is scary, but sometimes it’s necessary.
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I can hear the whooshing sound of the trash bags rolling down the stairs as the plastic bounced and rolled gently, sliding down each of the 13 steps. At the bottom, they piled up one at a time. I counted ten bags in all. One at a time I carried them to the hatch of my Toyota, jamming all of them in, shutting the hatch. That’s it? No fanfare, no yelling, no one to say goodbye too, except the dog. Just ten bags containing all my clothes. I shut the garage door and pulled away. I’ll never sleep in my bed again. Twenty years, a failed marriage, now what?
“My kids are going to hate me, God, don’t let my kids hate me.”
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We made it twenty years, not quite “until death do us part,” but it was a good stretch and I truly did not feel like a quitter. Many thought I was a quitter, but they weren’t living in my head, nor had they walked my miles. I did the best I could. I guess I did the best I could. How can we ever know if we are doing our best. We make decisions and we move on. I made this decision and I did exactly that, I moved on. Shit, what happens now?
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The decision to leave was a challenge, by far the toughest choice I ever had to make. With two kids, a dog, a good life built with a partner for over two decades and all of the stuff accumulated over so many years, where was I going? I had no clue what I was walking into, I just turned my life upside down.
I’d call what we have now a friendship. That makes me happy.
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“Ken, how am I going to pay my bills and pay her bills too? Jesus Ken, what the fuck am I going to do?” Ken, one of my closest friends responded, “You are going to be ok Doug, you’re just scared right now. You have always been a worrier, you’ve got to know that you will get through this. Just take it one day at a time, one month at a time my brother.”
I was a worrier, he was right about that, but this went far beyond worrying, deep into fear. “My kids are going to hate me, God, don’t let my kids hate me.” Ken comforted me, “They won’t hate you, they love you. They may not understand it right now but they will once the dust settles. Just do what you always do, love them, talk to them and be available for them. They won’t hate you.”
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Those first few months were a challenge. I admit I felt lost, totally out of place. The condo I rented was only a few miles from my old house, the territory felt familiar but still everything felt foreign to me. I’d never had to go grocery shopping before, I mean, I’d pick up stuff that we’d run out of, but now I needed to do it all. I never paid the bills before, done my own laundry, made plans with friends. That was all her thing. My thing was working, going out and making the money, she did the rest. I did my part well and she did her part well, it just worked out that way. Now it was all up to me, it was all my part.
The world does not need one more miserable person, it needs you to be happy.
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I must admit, I lost some friends in the process and that hurt. Relationships shifted, people took sides. Everyone had an opinion and along the way; many shared with me how they felt. Some were supportive, some were not, but most people honestly did not know how to react. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t know how to react either if my close friend and his wife got divorced. They used to be one unit. They are not two units now, they are each a half a unit. Being half a unit is not fun. I was building my life back so that I could be a whole unit again.
The first year was a tough one for me. Financially and emotionally it was hell. We fought a lot. It seemed like every conversation was a negotiation. We never fought when we were married, now that we were separated we fought every time we spoke. I think that is pretty normal, we were indirectly blaming each other for our failed partnership. No one else wanted to hear me bitch about it, so I fought with her. It never resulted in anything good, but it was a good mental enema for both of us. The yelling eventually became heated conversations, which later matured into disagreements. Eventually, even those mellowed into cooperative exchanges. Today we have lunch, we laugh and we have conversations. I’d call what we have now a friendship. That makes me happy. And my kids still love me, that really makes me happy too.
Four years ago I started a new life. It was a decision that only I could make. No one but you can make you stay and no one but you can make you leave. If you are happy, stay. If you are unhappy, either work it out or leave, but don’t do nothing. Doing nothing will make you a miserable person. The world does not need one more miserable person, it needs you to be happy. As long as you keep moving, you will find your way, you have nothing to worry about, Ken was right.
Photo: Getty Images
My name is Miriam from USA, My man is back with the help of a great Dr Mack who helped me cast a spell that brought my man back to me in just 3 days. my lover left me and my family for unknown reason and now he is back, once again I want to thank Dr Mack for his wonderful spell, am now a happy woman. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: dr.mac@yahoo. com
Very welcome, guys. Glad it did help.
One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other….
If you don’t mind me asking and I understand if you do; how after 20 years did you know ending your marriage was the right thing to do? I ask because I have been married for 26 years, raised three awesome kids, have four awesome grandkids, nice house, rewarding career, no financial problems, we don’t fight, we get along fine actually, but increasingly seem to have less in common. Candidly, after the kids came and while we raised them, I guess that was what we had in common and now three years after the youngest is married and gone, we… Read more »
My wife moved out while I was traveling abroad. Now I am responsible for child support and few hours/week supervised visitation with my 2 yr old daughter. My wife is angry at me and blames me for everything. Most of it was my fault. Divorce is a no no in my culture. But I guess my wife was so fed up that she did it anyways. I miss my daughter and love my wife. But my wife is not ready to listen to me or talk to me. What do I do ?
Ncore, I am so sorry for your situation. Why do you feel it was your fault. It takes two to make a relationship work Both you and your wife must be willing to have an honest conversation about your relationship. If she is not willing to do that, it will be very hard to make things work out. If you feel as though saving the relationship is of value to you, do everything you can to make it work out. Put your ego aside and communicate openly with your wife. Make it clear that if you had done something wrong,… Read more »
Hey Doug, Thanks for your response. It was my fault because I never gave my wife love, care and attention that she deserved and wanted. In my mind deep inside she was basically someone to do household work, earn second income and live with me. I thought being around in the house was all I had to do and I did not have any responsibility to love her and spend romantic special moments with her. And all this was because of what I had seen in my family growing up. Growing up my father was always yelling at my mom… Read more »
Sorry for your pain….praying alone will not make your wife come back, ACTION on your behalf, apologies and a changed person in you will help. The damage may be too far but if you should not give up too soon if you feel as though you can genuinely make a change in the way you behave. I wish you well Ncore.
Could have written this verbatim myself Doug. Even your replies. Uncanny. That was me 15 years ago. The only part that’s different is the lack of any relationship with my kids. 3 jobs and school at the time due to the financial meltdown of it all didn’t help the rebuilding process there. Oh, and that I haven’t seen my ex in at least 5 years which is fine too. Don’t need or want to be friends with her. I was miserable there. Finally just decided enough was enough. We’d had maybe 4 happy years out of 20. And none of… Read more »
There is a pot of gold at the end of many rainbows…but first many of us have to go through the storm. Thanks for sharing your story as well Mark.
Did you meet your current wife before or after you left your marriage? I think it is an important part of the story, no?
Alice, I had known my current wife for several years prior to leaving my marriage. My relationship with her had no bearing on my failed relationship with my ex-wife. Although others want to find a reason to pin on our breakup, I am comfortable with the truth as my guide. At the end of the day, neither me nor my ex were happy. I can only speak for myself, but feel as though the effort or lack of effort to save our marriage was both of responsibilities. I appreciate your comment and your question.
I am curious what you did to work on your marriage, if you don’t mind sharing. Or did you just leave?
Counseling and soul searching in addition to conversations with my former spouse. As I look back to that time, I thought the counseling for me made things worse…it exposed me to the issues that we were having and really made me feel like what we was going through was not going to able to be resolved. The other issue that I think about is that I was not happy for so long, I was willing to let it end. Could I have stayed and fought through the issues? That is a question I will never be able to answer for… Read more »
To any guy going through this. First thing to address is why it is the man rolling those trash bags down the stairs, always (perhaps another conversation for another day). The second is to tell you that this is not an end. It truly is a beginning. Been there done that, Divorced, business gone, bankrupt, driving the old truck that my kids used to drive around the sandpits way out in back of our woods. My attorney said it best when I decided to dig my feet in on the last bullshit issue that she sought, “you have opportunity to… Read more »
Well said DJ, thank you for opening up and sharing your story as well.
Thanks DJ, needed that
Thanks DJ, I needed that as well plus reminding us that we need to put our foot forward and keep moving if we want to get through the storm.