I like to think of mistakes as disguised opportunities for growth.
We’re all bound to screw things up one way or another multiple times throughout our relationships. What differentiates good from mediocre partners is the ability to learn from a mistake and do better next time.
Assuming, of course, you have identified what you’re doing wrong.
And that’s not as easy as it sounds.
You’d be surprised by how many times you have (probably) made the same absurd mistakes in your relationships without even realizing it — hence, digging your own grave.
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1. You Let Social Scripts Lower the Quality of Your Relationship
You’d be shocked by how many times you’ve probably let other people’s stories or opinions alter the course of your relationship or lower its quality.
For example:
- You might have compared your relationship to your friend’s.
- You might have let your parents’ opinion about your partner affect your own.
- You might have started second-guessing your partner and your relationship after a negative comment made by a close friend.
- You might have measured your relationship’s success by comparing it to other people’s relationships.
- “Why hasn’t my partner introduced me to his family when my best friend’s boyfriend has introduced her to his?”
“Why hasn’t my partner asked me to move in together even though we’ve been dating for a year?”
“My brother told me my girlfriend isn’t good enough for me. Maybe he’s right?”
Such thoughts are a direct result of listening to other people’s opinions about “the right way” a relationship should work, or watching other people’s relationships unfold and thinking ours should progress the same way.
What you should do instead:
- Remember that every relationship is as different and unique as the people comprising it.
- Keep in mind that specific behaviors and habits might satisfy others in their relationships but not meet your and your partner’s needs.
- Think of the fact that no one knows your partner and your relationship as well as you do.
- If you catch yourself questioning your partner or your relationship, try to clarify whether that’s someone else’s thoughts or your own.
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2. You Let Minor Differences in Your Relationship Eat at You
“Are we just too different?”
That’s a question you might have asked yourself at various points throughout your relationships.
You might have also gotten to the point of wondering if there’s someone else out there — a perfect match of sorts.
That’s a dangerous thought to have because it means you’re not dealing with differences in your relationship in a constructive manner. You let them eat at you instead of finding a way to manage them and that might result in you giving up on a relationship with potential.
At the end of the day, no matter who you are with, differences will emerge and you will run into some conflict. The trick is to not think of “different” as “incompatible”.
In psychotherapist F. Diane Barth’s words:
“One problem is that we often think of compatibility as similarity. But too much sameness can be boring. Besides, do you really want to be married to yourself, with all of your flaws and weaknesses? Most of us want someone who will make up for our own failings, enhance our strengths, and enrich our lives.”
What you should do instead:
- Stop thinking that differences equal incompatibility.
- Recognize and accept that differences will always emerge in a relationship.
- Make an effort to communicate more effectively with your partner and meet them in the middle when conflict arises.
- Be open-minded and willing to listen to an opinion contrary to yours or try an approach you usually wouldn’t follow.
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3. You Don’t Talk Express Your Needs Clearly/Effectively
Mentioning your needs to your partner is entirely different from expressing them in a clear and effective way.
For example, “we should hang out more” and “I have the need to spend more time with you” sound very different.
The former sounds like a general statement, (like stumbling upon a former classmate on the street and telling them to grab a coffee sometime) whereas the latter has the element of necessity and importance.
If you want your partner to meet your needs, you need to express them as what they are — things you need — and not make general, unclear, or passive-aggressive statements.
It’s possible that you might think that your partner knows exactly what you want and isn’t willing to give it to you when they actually might have not understood the importance of providing you with X thing.
What you should do instead:
Be clear about the things you want from your partner. Try to use phrases such as “I need”, “It’s important to me that”, or “I want you to”.
Considering your needs might change as you evolve as a person, make sure you have regular check-ins with your partner.
Never assume your partner already knows what you want or need unless you have made it clear (hey, they can’t read your mind!)
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The Bottom Line
Full disclosure: I’ve made all of these mistakes…more than once.
What, you thought you were the only one?
Let’s face it, sometimes smart people make stupid, absurd mistakes without realizing it.
I wish there was a relationship textbook where everything was explained and analyzed, but there’s not, so we’ll make do. To sum up, you probably:
- Let other people and society’s scripts affect the choices you make in your relationships and your relationship-related happiness — but the only people that really matter are you and your partner.
- You let differences come between you and your partner — but different doesn’t necessarily mean incompatible.
- You don’t express your needs in a clear and effective manner — but your partner needs to know the difference between casual and important.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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